Not very confident - reassurance please!

[happygilmore]

I had my dd three months ago but was quite seriously ill afterwards, thankfully I'm now getting a lot better. My DH has had to take extended leave to look after us, but really should be going back to work soon. I'm not 100% physically yet, but am improving.

My main worry is that I'm just not very good at looking after my daughter yet, as he has done much more of her care than me. I also worry that when I eventually start going out with her it'll be a disaster and everyone will be looking at me wondering why on earth I don't know how to look after my daughter. Stupid I know.

I guess I feel like all the other mums with 3month olds are much more confident in going out, changing nappies on the go etc etc and I'm not. Not that I suppose it matters but it's bothering me a bit, I guess I just don't feel a competent parent yet at all.

Please if anyone can reassure me it'll get easier, I'd really appreciate it :)

Are you both washed, fed and dressed at the end of the day?

That's a good start

Yiu have been thorugh a lot ... Be kind to yourself and take it easy

dressed?
steady on ruby!
I am fairly certain I did not get out of my dressing gown for the first 3 or 4 months after having DD, and that was a very straightforward birth.

happy, it is hard, but gets easier bit by bit every time.

Not always washed and dressed yet! But that has been partly because of being unwell.

It's been hard between the two of us coping with a fairly placid baby, I have literally no clue how I'm going to manage on my own!!

im sure you WILL be fine

you dont have to take her on any major outings...
start with a short walk round the block in the buggy...
maybe a trip to the post box or the corner shop... progress from there... obviously after she has fed and been changed at home so you dont have to 'do' any of that while out and about for a while.

you could go and visit a friend / family so at least your first ut of home nappy changes / feeds are n clean and comfortable surroundings

no one will even notice that you feel you are not confident... they will be paying attention to the gorgous little baby you have with you.

Thank you :)

It's all so new and scary but I guess I just need to do it to get my confidence up! I'm trying to do more and more each day anyway, which is helping a lot, I think it's just the thought of being on my own that's scaring me. Still everyone else seems to manage it!!

do you know any mummies / have any NCT friends etc?

if not find a local toddler group or baby sensory class or something

been all by yourself with a little person all day is daunting (and can be very lonely)

try and meet some mummies with similar age babies so you can meet for a coffee at each others house or something...

makes the week go much faster if you know you are going to a baby group on tuesday and then meeting a friend for a cup of tea on a thursday....
at each others home you will have a supply of toys, changing mat, wipes etc etc so again not as daunting

good luck

where are you? you could look on your local mumsnet page or am i allowed to suggest netmums? and find some local friends

I can totally sympathise with you. I never went to any antenatal classes so when dd1 was born I was a complete novice. Everyone else seemed so much more competent than me, I remember walking around Mothercare World feeling like everyone was looking at me and wondering who let me out with their baby.

DD2 is now 6 months old and I still feel like everyone is watching me and thinking I don't know what I'm doing!

For me it was made worse because my mum had a list of rules... babies must have a pram, not a pushchair, must lie flat to sleep, not be carried around all day in a sling, no dummies, strict bedtime in own cot and own room, left to cry etc etc. I found it helpful when a friend told me to forget all the rules and do what felt "right" to me. This was quite freeing actually!

The funny thing is that someone told me recently that I always look like a "natural mum". If only they knew :)

pinkydinky, it's reassuring that others feel the same way. It's strange how people have so many rules I think, especially as babies seem so very different.

Nanny, no I don't know anyone locally with a baby unfortunately. I suppose I should try and aim to get to a group, but can't really make definite plans yet until I see how my health is looking after a baby full time. Hopefully I should be up to it soon but not sure I am just yet.

maybe ask your HV if she can put you in touch with other new mums. My MW did that for me and another local girl and we are now good friends and often meet on on spec just for a walk or hang out together and let the babies play on the floor at one or other house - its just a change from being on your own and doesn't cost anything.

thanks trixie, that's an idea. It may sound like a dim question, but I'm not really sure how to approach the HV - do I just go to the drop in clinic and speak to her? I just thought they were really for if I had any worries about my baby or can I go for anything?

I really feel for you. Being a new mum can be hard enough without having to recover from a serious illness as well. There's a whole underground world of parenting out there which can be hugely intimidating to first time mums.

A few things I found helpful were: carry the baby in a sling whenever possible as this meant I could just walk around normally without having to negotiate doors and stairs / lifts with a pram. Also helped baby to sleep which made me feel more confident.

Have a nappy and wipes in my bag at all times as well as a couple of muslins.

I breast fed, so made sure I knew some good places (e.g.Mothercare has a Mummy's room)where I wouldn't be under observation. If you're formula feeding, you could take ready made up milk just to pour into a bottle. Maybe do a little reckie with DH before you do it alone.

But honestly, I think all mums feel intimidated by what they perceive to be other competent and experienced mums. Try to just focus on your daughter and enjoy this time. It all goes so quickly!

Re contacting the HV, I think these days it's up to mums to go to the HV drop in clinic. I remember it was suggested I go once a month but I never did go that regularly. Whenever I did go it was a case of weigh the baby then chat to the HV about any concerns re feeding, introducing solids, sleeping etc. For some mums this is a regular monthly trip, even if everything is "normal"

Do you have the name of a HV or is there one attached to your GP surgery? You could ask your surgery if you're not sure as every baby is supposed to be under the care of a HV after the first month.

I really hope you start feeling better soon and can enjoy this special time with your daughter.

Thanks pinkydinky :)

It has been tough, but in a way it has made me realise how fortunate I am with my health, I'm getting better thankfully at last. I just need to remember that and take each day as it comes I suppose.

I think you're right about my HV, I think there is a drop in clinic so I could perhaps go to that. I'm not so good at asking for help so it hadn't really occurred to me to go to it. But it's not a long walk so I think it's an idea.

I've had DD for a large part of today alone, and we're both fairly unscathed so hopefully it'll continue :)