I want another baby but dp has changed his mind

[boxyboxy]

AIBU? I really, really want a second child, our first is now 16 months and earlier in the year we had talked about having a second and trying to get pregnant in september. My partner has now backtracked and said he meant the following september (which is a load of bollox) and thinks it will be too much to cope with. He is in the middle of his PhD but the finishing date of that keeps getting extended (and now more talk of it going half way through 2012). I am 38 and so badly want another one soon for several reasons, practical and more importantly emotional - I never felt the body clock ticking before, but am definitely hearing it loud and clear now.
It comes down to the fact that I feel that I am being made to put on hold a really important life-decision on account of his f*ing degree which he isn't that committed to in the first place and has little intention of using when it's done.
SOmetimes I think i'm being selfish, but other times I think he is. He says he would have to give up the degree if we had another.
Can anyone please give me some advice as to how to improve this situation - one of us is going to have to make a major compromise, as you can't have a baby in a half-measure, can you?

I would gush about how you will take al the burden until his degree has finished. I expect he's feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps if you can somehow be light and breezy and competent sounding, that will help?

Ask him to hurry up and complete his phd. He has 9 months.

Seriously, though. His phd could as you say stretch on for years. It should be his responsibility that it doesnt. Why is he taking so long? Does he have a job, or other income?

Do you work? Who is looking after your first?

YANBU to want another child but equally, he is NBU not to want to. All you can do is talk it through and hope you can convince him.

Gosh I can completely empathise.
I will be 37 in September, I have a 20 mo and am desperate to start trying for number 2. I feel quite anxious about it too as I am expecting it to take longer to conceive and then there are the increased risks associated with age.
I also pinned dh down and made him promise we would start trying this September so I can imagine how devestated you feel.
I think your dh is being unreasonable as he agreed to start trying this september.Grr. What can you do? I don't know - other than finding all the facts about increased risks and presenting them to him - how 1 year later is a big deal - it may take a year to conceive anyway.
I agree that his phd is very important but really there is a time limit on what you want - is there a compromise? Start trying at Christmas?
I sympathise I really do.
All the best x

Thanks sincerely for replies. I am doing some part time work, as I was made redundant from my job when 5 months pregnant. He does a bit of occasional work for his father, but very occasional as his phd shcedule won't allow for more. He's not good at talking about issues - tends to put head in sand.
I think that is a good approach to give him the facts re age increasing risks.

thanks for all advice.

Boxy, you have my sympathies. Mine's doing a PhD as well, with an original finish date of March 2011 and now it's looking like 2012 as well (not his fault, issues with supervisors not reviewing things and a laboratory taking nine months to process data samples), and we're having the Second Child discussion along the way.

Mine wanted to time a second child when a certain deadline in the PhD was reached, which deadline was very very subject to change, and I wasn't dealing. I started this thread recently about wanting to cut hours, which was also talking about the child thing.

Anyway, long story short, I just got really emotional about it. I said that I wanted to divorce the PhD timeline from the child timeline because otherwise I would feel like I was putting pressure on him to finish the PhD and that wasn't supportive. I said that if I was home on maternity leave it would make his life easier because I'd be able to also take care of the toddler fulltime (at the moment he does two days a week with her), I said that if he hadn't finished by the time my paid maternity leave ran out, I'd go back to work.

And he agreed, finally, to a timetable for #2 - and once he did agree he's fine, there's no lingering resentment.

Good luck, though. It's hard.

Well i have had two children since starting my doctorate (which is very part time) but unlike your phd DHs boxy, tortoise, i had to do the pregnancy stuff too!
but i still haven't finished, so i don't know if that is particularly encouraging.
i don't think its the end of the world to combine the two. like you say, boxy, there are big disadvantages to waiting longer from an age / health point of view. i am 37 in jan and although it may have looked better on paper to get the doctorate finished before DC2 i'm pleased i didn't .

i did get to a point where i felt like stopping but eventually got going again.

Maybe he's worried about financially supporting two children on your part time wage and his occasional work. Perhaps he feels one child is hard enough at the moment without adding another especially if he is studying at home.

Both views are just as important as each other, I dont think he is being selfish just honest.