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Parenting

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Original poster

What to do about DS (age 7) who has been caught stealing money for the second time?

20 replies

furiousmother · 07/08/2010 19:23

About 6 months ago I discovered that ds (then 6) had a lot more money than could be accounted for through pocket money. He was bollocked, had pocket money stopped, no tv, no computer, fave toys confiscated. He was very upset about the whole thing, seemed genuinely remorseful and we thought we had come down hard enough to stop him doing it again.

He has been getting his pocket money again for the past 3 months and I have just discoverd his 'stash' of £33. He has been given around £14 and has to my certain knowledge spent at least £6 so at least £15 is nicked.

He is upstairs sobbing and claiming he will never do it again but thats what he said last time.

What do you think a suitable punishment/detterent is for a 7yo repeat offender? He is generally angelically behaved and the only time he has really been in trouble was the previous stealing incident.

OP posts:

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 07/08/2010 19:25

I'd make him earn it, give him as many jobs as you can find, the worst (within reason) the better. No treats, no internet, no cartoons for at least a week, failing this, find a nice policeman who is willing to have a 'chat'.

TurtleAnn · 07/08/2010 19:26

What does he want the money for?
If the reason is legitimate is there a way he could earn the extra cash by doing chores around the home?

littledawley · 07/08/2010 19:30

I second policeman if you feel it's necessary - they are lovely about this sort of thing.

Where do you think that he stole it from - I think that seeing a stray pound and nabbing it is understandable but going into your purse is not IYSWIM.

I also agree that he should now do chores to make up the money that he stole but to talk to him about why he stole it and how he can earn more in the future.

Don't stress too much though, it's very common.

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littledawley · 07/08/2010 19:30

I mean it's common as in lots of children do it - I'm not suggesting that your boy is a thieving chav

PixieOnaLeaf · 07/08/2010 19:33

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Bink · 07/08/2010 19:34

I agree it is relevant where he stole it from. If you/partner, then I think you will have to help him a bit by making it impossible - use a locked cupboard for your handbag/wallet. He is only 7 and 7 is v young to be strong about temptation. I think many 7yos just aren't tempted (by which I mean it doesn't cross their mind to go into a purse) rather than actually choosing not to steal - if you know what I mean?

If it is possible the stealing is being done out of the house - school, for instance - that is more serious. Is that a possibility?

Original poster

furiousmother · 07/08/2010 19:37

He wants it to buy gogos and match attax. He gets 70p a week atm. In the past if he has been saving for something them we have let him work as a child labourer in our shop (we are self employed) sweeping up etc. but that isn't a regular thing.

I hadn't thought about the police. I think he might respond quite well to that.

I'm not sure where he stole it from. DH and I both leave money lying around in our bedroom and our bathroom but he isn't allowed in there if we are not. It could be my purse or it could be business money which is locked away but he would know where the key was through observation . He says he took it all in one go but I don't know if that is true.

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MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 07/08/2010 19:37

Well clearly no point in punishing him as it didn't work the first time, so why would it work now?

I think you need to sit down with him and ask him if you and he can have a really honest, open discussion about stealing, morals and honesty. Remind him how he'd feel if all this money was nicked from him, and explain what eventually happens to people who keep on stealing into adulthood.

You need to find out why he nicked it. If he's not getting enough pocket money for something he wants, then you and he need to do some creative thinking to work out how he can get what he wants morally and fairly without hurting anyone else.

Can he work to earn the money from you? If you don't have the money to give him even if he earns it, can he earn the money from a family friend or a relative? Can you help him sell some of his toys he no longer wants?

Or is he stealing because he's trying to get into trouble, trying to get attention? In which case, you need to find out what you're not doing to meet his needs and find out how he can tell you that without acting immorally.

Or is he stealing from a particular person in order to hurt them? In which case, again, you need to find out the whole story and help him deal with his feelings and find other ways to cope with them.

Original poster

furiousmother · 07/08/2010 19:55

I'm sure its not from outside the house. Its probably not work money either. I think the most likely thing is the change I dump out of my pockets when I put my clothes in the wash.

I don't know why he nicked it apart from the obvious he wanted it. He is materialistic. He can earn extra money. I don't think its for attention. He is such a goody goody normally and there are plently of low level naughty things he could do that would be a simpler way of getting attention. I think he just wants a big pile of cash without working for it but who doesn't.

OP posts:

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 07/08/2010 19:58

It'll take time for the 'work not steal' penny to drop. It's like training a puppy isn't it!

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 07/08/2010 20:04

Are you sure it's not just the 'oh, there's some spare change, I'll have it' just like 'oh, there's an apple, I'll have it'?

I mean, my kids pick up spare change - I've never told them not to. Money that's important to me, I keep in my purse and they know not to go in there. They know that things in my handbag, and things in our bedroom, belong to us and are to stay there. And they all have places to put things they feel similarly about - special and they don't want anyone else to help themselves to it.

Other than that, the things in our house are, rightly IMO, all of ours. We all live in our house and, just because DH and I are the adults and DH is the one who pays the mortgage, doesn't mean that the house and it's contents are not the children's too.

Could you come to a similar agreement with him? Could you say that if he sees spare change, then, just like books, toys, dvds etc., they belong to everyone and he's as welcome to it as you and your DH are. If, on the other hand, things are in certain places - your bag, your room, your drawers etc., then they belong to you, and you only, and he has no right to take them without asking. Explain that it's important for people to have stuff that belongs to them and that they know will still be there when they come looking for it when they need it. But also that you share things...?

nickschick · 07/08/2010 20:09

Hes 7 he is only just at the age where children are expected to understand right from wrong and actions and consequences.

Some children genuinely like having money it makes them feel adult its the sensation of knowing they can buy things,some children (my own son of 17 is like this) really dont 'do' money they want things ask for them and either get them or find a way to get them (birthdays etc).

I dont think your ds is at an age where he can 'steal' in a malicious sense - he sees the money knows he can buy stuff so takes it- the way Id approach this is to work out what hes got over what you think he should have in this case its approx £15,and show him what £15 means to your household for example - £15 buys us petrol to visit Grandma,£15 buys us milk,bread and pizzas for tea etc etc .....explain that if you worked for asda or tesco £15 would mean about 2 and half hours of work for you- make the £15 'real' and to a level of his understanding - he is only 7.

Also in this you can help him understand how you feel when he takes your money - take something of his a toy he likes perhaps his new shoes - dont keep them but explain how this is how you feel when your things get taken and that families share everything they have one person shouldnt just be taking things just cos thats what they want.

This will pass its just learning about life.

mitfordsisters · 07/08/2010 20:12

Would definitely recommend you get a policeman to scare the bejesus out of him (in a nice way of course).

CoupleofKooks · 07/08/2010 20:14

sorry but i think your maths is wrong - or is it me? it seems from your OP that he has £25 too much not £15

this is a tricky one, i am reading carefully as i am not sure what i would do in similar situation
i think i would be trying to get to the bottom of why he feels he NEEDS to take money
and i would definitely be wanting to know exactly where it had come from

Original poster

furiousmother · 07/08/2010 20:27

bollocks. £25 seems much more.

OP posts:

Original poster

furiousmother · 07/08/2010 20:35

MrsWobble I don't think thats it. For a start he wouldn't take an apple without asking. He is very aware that things belong to people and he would never play with one of his siblings or cousins toys out of their rooms without asking first. He shares a bedroom and has a box under his bed with special things in that he doesn't want anyone else to have.

I do believe the house belongs to the children too, along with the furniture etc. but money and other specific items belongs to people. People should be able to take stuff out of their pockets without it becoming fair game.

Plus the substantial bollocking and punishment he got last time left him in no doubt that its not ok to take money.

OP posts:

Lynli · 07/08/2010 20:36

I would and did get a policeman. My DD started pinching things from school, scissors, craft paper, pens and she would say they had been given to her.

She then started stealing money from us. I asked her why and she said that the school had so much of that stuff, they would never even notice. That we had so much money we would never even notice.

The only reason I did notice was I had to sign my money in and out at work so I knew to the penny what I came home with.

I could not get through to her that it was wrong, so I got a policeman, who was a friend, although she did not know this, it finally stopped her.

PixieOnaLeaf · 07/08/2010 20:37

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Original poster

furiousmother · 07/08/2010 20:39

I think the extra £10 means it has probably happened over more occasions but it doesn't make that much difference really.

OP posts:

Bellepink · 07/08/2010 20:41

First of all I would need to know exactly how and when he got this money than deciding on the punishment.

Not least because small children are open to bribing for all manner of minor or major things, so I would want to rule out that. I would get the absolute full chapter and verse on how, when, what to establish a) it is definitely stolen money and b) it is definitely your stolen money (as opposed to stealing from a friend's house, for example). If he stole it in one go as he says, then he should easily remember where this pot of £20 in various denominations was in the house, shouldn't he?

It's hard to say what the punishment should be, on the one hand he's done it twice now but on the other, he's still only a pup yet. Maybe pointing out something like a trip to the cinema with sweets would have cost the same as what he took, but you won't be going now (ie look what you could have won type thing!). Or you were recently thinking of treating him to X amount of go-go's as he's usually well behaved but now you won't be. It should be money-linked (rather than just withdrawing privileges off him) IMO. Unless you want to really drive a point home and stop his pocket money for a while (a bit tight I know, but if he's a bit money obsessed then you'll be speaking his language as it were)?

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