DH leaves 15mo in bath "only for a second" how should I respond?

[bigtalksmalltalk]

My husband is very helpful with the children - 2.5 yrs and 15 mo. Things are tiring with 2 so small and no family/friends to help so I value him helping when he can. He is prone, I think, to doing things that are not wise and I would go as far as to say stupid - so this morning I was not feeling well and 15 mo was in the bath. 2.5 yr old wanted dolly so Dad left 15mo in bath and walked through our bedroom to nursery with older one and I came upstairs when I heard the stairgate opening. I don't know how not to get annoyed with him but he is then immediately defensive and says "it was only 15 secs" he cannot understand that she could easily stand up in the bath and slip (he knows she stands in the bath and is not stable). A big row happened a few months ago when he was washing the car with older one and left her downstairs in basement garage on her own (open garage door, no fence or gate so drive completely open onto the road, chemicals in the garage etc). He had wanted the keys to the car to clean the car mats. I got very upset that time and he again very defensive and would not accept how stupid his actions had been. It was only a second time when he was out there with her and she went up the path to the cat from next door did he concede that she could have gone into the road.
Issues of safety were a big source of conflict between us when first one was born, neither of us having even held a baby before, me anxious, stressed, lacking in sleep, dealing with his uphelpful indeed spiteful parents etc etc.

I know I got onto him too much but that is quite a while ago now - I just can't let go of the feeling that he is away with the fairies sometimes and in the park etc he never looks as if he is watching them - it is not an act of casual vigilance - it is just casual. Incidences like this morning bring back stress and worry.

I would maybe have left the 2.5yr old in the bath alone but not a 15 month old. I think you are right to be anooyed with him.

'annoyed'

I'd agree, 15 months is a bit young to be left alone in the bath. I would leave the 2.5yr old too but keep them talking etc so I could hear they were alright but 15 month olds don't chat much if at all so more difficult.

However sometimes we do need to dash to another room for a moment and these things happen. So long as it was really quick and he could hear your DC if they fell in bath I wouldn't worry too much. Just explain to him maybe that you don't like that kinda thing happening and not to do it again if poss.

My dp used to do this when ds1 was around that age so I banned him from bathing him.
We had a big row and he said I was being silly and he only left him for a few seconds to get a towel, or put a nappy in the bin or whatever the reason was, but at the end of the day, I felt that my child was in potential danger and I stepped in to stop it happening again.

My dh does similarly bonkers things and I'm afraid to say that despite my relentless nagging nothing has changed. Our youngest child is now 3 (dd3) and he is still doing bonkers things ...

Not sure what to suggest other than to take over bathing yourself and keep giving gentle reminders to your dh when he does things that aren't altogether appropriate.

I disagree with leaving the 2yo alone in bath aswell though. I'm really not an over-protective parent (honestly!) but even at 2.5 they can slip and fall in the bath within that short space of time.

He does not have the parental attenae sufficiently well tuned yet. I would be inclined to go off for a few days so he gets more used to being properly vigilant instead of expecting his wife to take ultimate responsibility.

Wikipedia - just send him an email...
In many countries, drowning is one of the leading causes of death for children under 12 years old. For example, in the United States, it is the second leading cause of death (after motor vehicle crashes) in children 12 and younger. Children have drowned in wading pools and even bath tubs. Typically the United Kingdom suffers 450 drownings per annum. Drowning related injuries are the fifth most likely cause of accidental death in the US.
Surveys indicate that 10% of children under 5 have experienced a situation with a high risk of drowning.

My son went under the bath water, both my husband and I were in the room, last week. He has been trying to dive under at every available opporunity since, but seeing his face looking up at us blinking under the water was ultra scary. He slipped on the bath mat.

You could tell him what happened to my best friends son when he was a similar age. Her husband was bathing him while she was out shopping. He had left a pot on the stove so left their little boy in the bath while he popped downstairs to take the pan off the heat. He can't have been more than 30 seconds or so. He went upstairs to find his son face down in the water, not breathing. My friend came back from shopping to find an ambulance outside her door. Luckily her husband had managed to resusitate his son and he lived to tell the tale. Their marriage nearly didn't. I'll never forget her sobbing to me that she hated her husband and couldn't even look at him...

I'm not sure how you tackle this but you do have to tackle it.