Do I want a 3rd child?

[winogal]

Obviously no-one can answer this but me, but I'd love to hear other people's insights/experience ... I have 2 DSs (3 and 1) and they are fantastic. I don't feel that my family is incomplete, and I don't crave a dd in particular. But I love the idea of having another baby .... but maybe this is more because I'm so sad to think that chapter of my life is over so quickly (I loved being pregnant, and the excitement of an impending baby, and even the hard first few months of having a newborn), rather than actually wanting a third child. Other factors (quite important ones really!) are that I am 41, and my partner isn't keen on a 3rd - says it would be unmanageable! But I'd really like to sort out my own thoughts on this as well as dealing with the external factors of age and partner, if this makes sense ...

I just wish I was clear in my own mind one way or the other, the way that some of my friends are - they seemed to know very clearly what they wanted in terms of number of children. Any insights most welcome!

BobMarley your post was lovely, almost made me cry!!!

thanks hinnypet

Is that offer still open, lal123?

thesecondcoming, you are NOT helping, with all that talk of velvety heads and snuggling in dressing gowns!! How very fantastic that sounds, you enjoy.

I remain none the wiser, but all these comments have been really interesting. I'm not a practical person at all, so practical considerations aren't really so important to me. I just need to separate out whether I actually want another child from the fact that I feel so sad about that chapter in my life being over. I don't feel my family is incomplete now, which is why I don't envisage having regrets in 10 years time. But I know I would be DELIGHTED if I was to get pregnant again.

I now understand why people that you hardly know get so excited about an impending birth, and are so generous with gifts, etc. A new baby really is the most exciting, fantastic thing in life, and whether I have a third or not, I love being a mum and intend to enjoy every moment of it.

I came on to MN this morning (while DH is out!) to ask the exact same question! My 2nd DS is 3 1/2 months and DH is adamant that he doesn't want anymore. I'm in two minds, exactly as others have said - I'm not fussed about the pregnancy (horrid morning sickness) but I can't get my head around this part of my life being over, of never having a newborn again

To complicate matters, we need fertility tx to conceive so we have to make a conscious decision and make a concerted effort to ttc#3. We can't just have an accident and conceive unfortunately! I think if we could just do it naturally then I could probably convince DH to give it a go!

Hmmmmm, interesting points from everyone. I just wish someone could say "do it" or "don't do it". Although someone did say "don't do it" earlier on the thread and I chose to ignore that comment.... Suppose that shows which way I'm swinging

Has anyone who hasn't gone for #3 ever got over the feeling of not quite being finished??

To add - my Mum stopped at 2 even though she desperately wanted another and she still talks about it with regret now

I am also in a dilema about this. I have 2 DD's 4.9 and 3.3
I found pregnancy HELL as had hyperemesis (intese sickness) with no 1 and suffered with both the pregnancies, along with tricky births which terrifies me. This is the main reasons along with lack of sleep that is putting me off...
I dont cope well with illness and worry alot. After having my 2nd the only thing that got me through was thinking i never have to do this again!
DH doesnt want anymore either so i have all this against me but i cant help thinking that maybe i would like 1 more... I do feel complete too and adore both dd's but find them & the competivness such a handful at times esp dd2 and they fight like crazy but iv always thought i would have 3....

I struggled alot after both the girls, dd1 had reflux and cried constantly, dd2 was good although a bad sleeper but i found it such hard work having 2 toddlers..
This time next year they will both be at school so maybe it would be the right time...?

Is a 3rd pregnancy any easier??!

I am having the same dilemma. Although I have only just had my second child and I have one of each gender I feel myself thinking about another one. I have told everyone I know that I don't want any more and that I am lucky to have one of each, etc but am I just saying this to convince myself?! Plus my husband says he has always wanted 3 children (he was one of three).

What I think you should do is write a list of pros and cons then throw it away and follow your heart. You need to think about this with your heart not just with your head. Do you really want to be in the position in the future when you seriously regret not going for it and it being too late.

Just think you are more likely to regret not having another child more than that you had had another child.

Good luck x

Just pg with No3, big decision as stretched (not breadline, but still) with two and treatment required to conceive. However, i now feel settled in my head for the first time in ages and know we've made the right decision. Can't tell you why, just feels right. Having the first child is hardly a rational financially savvy move, the second could be argued on grounds of siblings, but onlies are no worse off according to the research, so there isn't a particular logic to it. Just knew there would be a bit of me that regretted not trying. It's too personal to advise on though, so you have to see how you and your family feel.

Even while I was pregnant with DD2 I had a feeling that I wasn't finished and would like another one. DS is now 18 months old and what I find really interesting this time around (and one reason that i know that I am 'done') is that unlike after having the girls I don't lament the passing of babyhood, I love the fact that now he is getting older everything is so much easier, I look at friends of mine who are pregnant without feeling a surge of jealousy, I can't wait for them all to be old enough for us to go skiing! I think that you do sort of know in your heart whether you want another one, it doesn't matter whether it is rational or practical. I LOVE having 3 by the way, it just seems to work better for our family than two did.

We have one DD age 12 yrs. In the last few months, the thought has been there to have another. But the age gap is putting me off. On the other hand, it feels right to contemplate another child. But i keep coming back to the age gap.

I don't want DD to feel compromised I guess. But can't help thinking if I were looking back in 10 years time, I might have a slight regret...

I always wanted 3 but expected to keep at 2 due to fertility issues. Well in the end we thought if it happens it happens and happily - I'm on to baby number 3 now. For me I felt it was ok to only have 2 as long as we had at least tried for a 3rd. I didn't want to look back in ten years and think that i hadn't given it a good shot.

I have dd (7), ds (5 & 3) - 80% of the time life is a grind, 20% it is completely amazing. When I have any combination of two I find it so easy and wonder why on earth I thought a third was a good idea.

I have friends with 3 who have a good support network - I get very of them. My dh works away and closest family are 1.5 hours away. Have just discovered a local sitter (that doesn't charge time and a half - never heard of that one!) so that has made things a bit easier and feel slightly less trapped.

I find that I'm a lot more organised and bossy than my 2 children friends - if I wasn't we would never get out of the house.

I really very much don't want any more dc but I still ponder the joys of my newborns - not sure it ever goes away. Would I live my life the same again? My head says I'd stick with one, my heart says when the tag team are behaving probably and even when they're demons highly likely. (NB DC have been asleep for over an hour and I've had a gin!)

I had this dilemma from practically the moment DS2 (now 2.8) was born. Dithered over practicalities, age etc. but couldn't quite talk myself out of it - kept coming back to the issue again and again. Knew it wasn't the desire to have another baby, per se - although I like being pregnant and quite like babies, it was a third child that I really wanted - a little tribe.

Anyway, after some mishaps (acupuncture to help conceive, and 2 mc's ), I am 24 weeks pregnant with DS3! Slightly apprehensive about noise levels, and about how DS2 will react to being displaced, but we have 2 loos so maybe we'll be OK .

Always wanted 4, but am now sure we will stick at 3 - but would definitely have felt regret if we hadn't gone for 3, I think.

I'm 41, have one of each, am definitely done...but still a part of me is sad to think I won't go through it again.

Would I feel that after a 3rd? Yes.

You have to stop some time.

Regarding DP's feelings, I think if you only had one I'd be wanting to fight him, but with 2 maybe that should be the tipping point?

As you said, only you know the answer...

I have two (one of each) aged 13 and 11. I have always regretted not having a third but I allowed myself to be convinced that it was not practical and that we would be too thinly spread to give each of them enough time/attention.
The decision not to have another was hard - I was never convinced that it was actually a desire to have a third or that the phase of having two little ones passed far too quickly for me.
I am still envious of younger couples with little children/pregnant!
We always said that if we had a third, we may as well have a fourth!
I don't think the broodiness ever goes away - I do not, however, get mawkish or broody around other children so have to believe that the desire to have more was to do with the wanting to keep life as it was, have the children stay young, have pyjama days whenever we wanted, get the sandpit/water tables out in the summer etc. And to feel needed with an unconditional love.
Mine are now teenagers and if I could have another one I would still do it.

Very early menopause made the decision for us but didn't ease the passing of a time that is special - and yes it does go all too quickly.

I'm hoping that by the time mine are off I'll be so old (nearly 60) that I won't have the energy to worry about it. But I do dread the day and my youngest is only 20 months!

^^ah, but a friend of mine has a grandmother who says she is still broody..... at 90

I have 2 ds (5 & 3) and a dd(1). For me the three of them are no harder than having two and I have no support and work PT. It was chaos before so contues the same.
I knew I hadn't finished at 2, and now I know I have finished at 3. There was no practical decision making involved at all so I haven't a clue how that works.
My dd is lovely sweet loveliness itself, I wouldn't have missed her for anything. So there you go OP I'm saying go for it.

(Agreed with you Mog, have just got 2 loos and it does make a difference.)

I agree with lazylion, I haven't found 3 much harder than 2, I have a dd 7, ds 5 and ds 5 months. obviously the eldest two are both at school all day, which helps, and yes it is chaos evenings/weekends but then it always was.

I never thought I would have a 3rd, I was more than happy with two, but I'm delighted to have three, They both adore the baby and its lovely to see them all together, I do look at them sometimes and can't believe they're all mine.

Bloody hell. It's so exhausting OP, I feel for you I really do. I've just turned 34 so id imagine the time clock thing even harder, jump now or not.

I think about it constantly.

I have DS 3.5 and DD 10 months.

I had so many problems in ist PG and birth and we were both traumatised after it.

Having DD was so stressful even though her PG was fine and birth was ok, we were still both stressed all the way through.

They both had severe reflux on account of them both being just over 3 weeks early as both times my waters broke and I didn't go into labour.

I carry Group B strep, bal bla bla, I could go on.

I now have an under active thyroid and have medication for that. If I wanted a third or even worse, fell PG by accident with a third and the medication wasn't quite right (which is hard to get right) then the baby would have problems.

WE ARE BURNT OUT!!

But.....it bugs me constantly, is this it, never to feel the baby move, never to feel the excitement of meeting a new family member, to see their little face for the first time...

Who/what would they be...

Do I really have to get rid of all the baby stuff, it's so final...

What if DS moves to Australia and DD is a drug addict, who will give me grandchildren, I need backup....Oh yes, Ive thought of it all.

Id need to be utterly bonkers to put myself, DH and kids through the nutter that is me whilst PG and looking after newborn with reflux - move over Lady Ga Ga there's a new mental in town.

Torture. Maybe it's a normal feeling for most to feel that final moment panic? Who knows?

I do sometimes calm down when I think about my friends who have been trying for 7 years now and had 3 rounds of unsuccesful IVF , they will possibly never meet he first never mind the third.
I have friends, who, for various reasons have one and cannot have another and they seem more content than me.

Maybe there are other issues making this worse.

For you maybe it's the age thing, do or die now. That will pass if it's only that.

For me it's because I worry so much that something will happen to them or they will not be happy/healthy/grandchildbearing so somehow 3 gives better odds .

Let us know if you do make up your mind.

God ive just read that, what a fruit!

Sneakapeak - I too have thought about the whole grandchildren thing and everything you think of- I unreasonably think that the more children I have then then I am more likely to have one living near me when I am old, when in reality it would probably mean I would have more children living miles away who I don't see often enough!

I think that I only really want another grown up child, I don't want the 20 years of bringing them up and all the extra work that involves, especially babyhood, the mere thought of another baby makes me shudder, but having three children around the table at my 60th birthday seems lovely!

I'm know I'm really not going to have another, but I still think about it every day and beat myself up about not being good enough (ie patient enough, loving babies enough etc) to have three. I am driving my husband nuts.

Winogal it really doesn't sound like you think your family needs another child - you sound plain broody. Broodiness is so strong sometimes, it's what kept the species growing when infant mortality was high (and unreliable contraception of course).
There's nothing like the love you feel for a sleepy newborn, and little kicks in late pg (when it's going well) are so wonderful. I cried all week when I stopped bf my lastborn, and I had a terrible sense of doom when DH had his vasectomy, I wanted to run to the hospital and say Stop! I've changed my mind!
But I've never regretted my decision to stop at two, because two children is what I want, and what works for us, and if I had another child every time I felt broody because the newborn stage is so wonderful, I'd have 5 by now.
That sounds as if I'm really conflicted doesn't it - I promise I'm not, although my lastborn probably does get more cuddles and lullabies than many 6 year olds.

(previous post makes it sound all about me - should add that DH is also of the persuasion that two is the right number (and ecologically justifiable))

I have 3 (DS - 11, DD - 9, DS - 6). I knew I wasn't finished after DD although a lot of people assumed we would stop after having a 'pigeon pair'.

If I had started younger, I would have liked to have 4. The dynamics of 3 can be very wearing and it is lovely when one of them is out of the house.

DH took some persuading, mainly because we were getting on a bit and his best friend had a baby with a lot of problems. He felt anxious about the impact on our neat little family if the third turned out to be more needy.

Number 3 was the easiest pregnancy and birth, but the most demanding newborn of the 3. The early months are now a blur of exhaustion when one was starting school, one was at home but past sleeping in the day and the baby grizzled all the time. DH will refer to DS2 as your baby now, but that is more because he is particularly snuggly with me.

The biggest issue for me is how the family often seems to split at weekends. Usually with DH and DS1 off doing sporty stuff and me stuck at home with the younger ones. And finding things for us to do as a family which keep them all them happy given the age range.