What time to be home?

[January73]

Hello.
My DD is 11yrs old. About to start high school after summer hols.

She's been going out with friends before summer, there was a short stop of this as we and they were on various hols, now the going out has resumed. Only within a few mins of our home and her friend's house - small town, not a huge metropolis.

Anyway. Last night, she was to be home for 930pm. I'm a bit anal about timekeeping so by 935pm, I called her and she said she was at her friend's home, about to head back over. I wasn't happy because it was getting dark and I knew it'd be dark very soon. Anyway, to compromise said to her to be home by 10pm at latest. I had 2nd thoughts at 945pm, called her and told her to get home now. Much noise in background, then found I'm speaking to her friend, then I'm back speaking to DD telling her to get home, then she said she was scared of walking home alone as it was too dark, so I said I'll come down and meet you. I then got told someone would walk her home.

15 minutes later, DD walks in flustered and upset because she knew I was unhappy that she was supposed to be home by 930pm, she'd pushed it further and now 45 mins after hometime she is in.

She also got a fright because it turns out her friend was walking her home - another 11 yr old girl! (I thought it was a parent) The girl cldn't go all the way back with DD so DD ran home as she's scared of the dark.

I spoke to her about the dangers of being out alone in the dark, I explained at length why we impose rules - not to curtail her fun but to ensure her safety. She understood. I decided as she'd gotten a scare with having to walk home alone in the dark that a punishment wasn't necessary.

Today she asked if she could go out after dinner. I agreed on condition she's back by 915pm, no negotiation, etc. DD was happy with that. About 45 mins ago, DD started complaining that she wanted to be allowed out until 930pm. I reminded her of last night's performance and as much as it was a one-off, I wasn't having it happen again.

As things stand, I've told her to get up to her room as I'm not happy with her after having gone through all this with her.

My question is, am I being too rigid? Should I be allowing her out until 930pm? Or should I stick to the 915pm? I'm in Scotland and in this part it is getting dark 930pm onwards.

DD is otherwise well behaved and fine and I know she's at the age to push boundaries but is this one that I'm being too inflexible on?

Sorry this is so long!

Take Care,
January.

No not too rigid. 9-15/9-30 is ample imo. Although I would have grounded her for at least a day for being late without calling to let me know why.

Hello. Thanks ShinyAndNew. Yes, had thought of grounding her today but given that she'd gotten a fright last night with the darkness, thought that would be punishment enough.
She went out this evening at 715pm. Another talk was issued prior to her departure with explicit instruction - 915pm at the latest or be grounded.

Happy to know I mightn't be to rigid though. Trying to keep it balanced but sometimes I just don't know! :-)

January.

Well personally I do not think that an 11 year old should be out until 9.15 OR 9.30. And I don't think any parent should be allowing their 11 year old to walk home alone for returning home at 9.15. Sorry but that is just mho.

I am all for giving children some independence but my almost 11 year old is in bed by 8pm so I would need her to come home by 7.30pm at the latest.

9.30pm seems very late to me - I think none of this would have happened if you asked her to be in by 7.30pm. Where is she going out to in the evenings exactly?

She goes to her friend's house which I know exactly where it is.

It's the school holidays therefore we allow her to go to bed at an altered time.
It has been staying light up until 11pm however the cut off during this summer hol has always been 915/930pm.

Obviously during school term and also other seasons of the year, the time is far earlier.

Thank you for your thoughts :-)

I think 9.30pm is already later than most 11 year olds so not being unreasonable not to bend to pressure to allow her to stay out later.

How does this time compare to what is allowed by her friends' parents?

Have asked quite a few over the last few days and discussed at work and have found DD's home time is earlier than some during the summer hols.

Also spoke to DD's teachers at school before the summer hols about this very subject because last summer DD had to be in by 8pm during hols and I was made to feel unreasonable by others and teachers thought 930pm was about right.

Some parents I spoke to said that their children's hometime is when it starts getting dark - here that can be 11pm. Others said 10pm and a few said 930pm.

This is her first summer of being allowed out until 930pm.

Winter is a totally different story as dark by 430pm then so if going to friends' homes or they're coming here, they always get chaperoned to and from. And this isn't open to negotiation.

As said in original post, I also thought DD was getting walked home by adult last night.

DD, during term time she does have strict home times apart from 2 nights per week when she goes to after school clubs. And she gets escorted to and from those.

This evening DD did return at 815pm - an hour earlier than I'd stated and she did say she'd taken on board what I'd discussed with her.

Thanks again :-)

I know many, many teachers (am one myself) and tbh I'd be v surprised if any of the ones I know thought that 9.30 was 'about right' for an 11 year old to come in. Not questioning your word at all but that's not my experience.

I am quite liberal but I don't even let my 14 year old come home by himself at 9.30 if we aren't collecting him. He goes by train to another town and he has to be home by about 8 unless a specific event and then he is collected. My DD 12 who tends to go out more locally I would expect to be home by about 7.30 - 8 by herself any later an we collect her.

no way round here - my 15 y old wdn't be allowed out that late on his own.

AS things are now, had a very long talk with DD regards what time to come home at and attitude and responsibility when given allowances.

We decided 830pm during summer hols is more acceptable to be returning from this specific friend's home - it isn't even a 2 minute walk away in reality.

And with school hols finishing this Tuesday here, then back to normal summer home time.

Incidentally, the friend whose home DD visits, the mother is a school teacher and I have spoken to her as when this incident occured, she was supposed to be escorting my DD home. As I said in previous posts, I was under the impression an adult would be walking DD home as it was dark and later than I had specified as a home times.

Thanks again for all comments. It's all been very helpful :-)

We always had to be in when the streetlights came on BIG trouble if you weren't in the house by then.

This was good (and I will use the same rule) because it varied for summer/winter.