can you cuddle/hold/sooth your baby too much?

[missytequila]

my husband keeps saying I should let my 4 month old cry...obviously after a feed/change, etc when it seems to be for no reason except wanting to be held and cuddled. but i have a real problem letting her scream. he says I am spoiling her and setting myself up with a bad habit of always running to her when she cries.. what do you do? think about letting babies cry?

I think there was some research done that showed babies who were often left to cry in the first 6 months cried more after 6 months - they realise they have to make a lot of fuss to get attention.

Babies whose crying was usually responded to quickly when little learn that you'll come and help them when they need it, and soon they don't have to cry so much because they're confident they can communicate with you in other ways.

My DH has been a bit like this on the sleep issue. I think a lot of men really don't have much of a clue about child development, and apply the sort of standards you'd use for teenagers to tiny babies.

Absolutely not!

Angeldog that's exactly what my HV said to me, as DD was a very colicky unsettled baby and needed a lot of cuddling and almost constant holding.

Babies need cuddles, that's their job .

Ds (5 weeks old, being cuddled right now!) was in SCBU for 8 days when he was born, and I didn't get to cuddle him for the first 3 days.

When he was moved to a lower dependency unit, and out of an incubator, I was giving him a cuddle, when a nurse, said to me, 'it might be best for you to put him down now, if you cuddle him too much, he'll come to expect it' I was quite stunned!

BTW, I'd like to say that I had come out with some witty and sharp put down, but I was out of my head on a heady cocktail of morphine and post birth hormones, and just burst into tears!

Think about it from the baby's point of view. It's tiny, it's new, it can't sit or stand much less run away from a predator. Its best chance of survival is making sure that it's attached to a big adult who can protect it.

Expecting a child that age to be capable of "manipulation" is really hugely overestimating its intellect and underestimating its emotional needs.

Hazey, that's awfully sad. I want my child to expect cuddles from me, don't we all?

You can with cats (they go a bit demented if you play with them too much when they are kittens)... not babies though!

Hazeyjane I was told by a friend that if I picked him up every time he cried then he would expect to be picked up everytime he cried.

I was like "Well yeah, he should expect to be picked up everytime he cries!" what's the alternative? Leaving a teeny baby to cry alone? Not gonna happen.

When DS was 1 day old a midwife on the ward told me not to pick DS up every time he cried as he would expect it. She was a twat.

I've done lots of things with DS that the 'rod for your own back brigade' would disapprove of and no harm has come from it. Cuddle your baby as much as you want.

Species8472, you have an enlightened HV! My DS was a bit colicky - one HV told me to put him down and leave him to cry himself to sleep. :(

He was 11 weeks old. Apparently that he would soon 'get the hang of sleeping' if I did that.

What I actually did was put him in the sling for all naps. Someone else told me he'd still be doing that aged 2 if I let him do it then. In fact, he was able to sleep without it at 4 months. :)

I understand why your dh might think there's no more you can do "after a feed / change, etc., when [the crying] seems to be for no reason except wanting to be held and cuddled." Maybe it seems you've done all you can do and holding her isn't helping.

But it is.

Just think, when you are frightened, or lonely, or in pain or angry, even if there's nothing anyone can do to change how you feel in that moment, doesn't it help if you can cry in the arms of someone who loves you?

I agree with everyone else...i worried all the sodding time about rods for my own back with DS but still always picked him up when he cried

Definitely not. Treasure every single cuddle you get. And show your DH this thread :)