Going from 1 dc to 2 - the truth please

[Mindy1]

Hi
I was wondering if i could get some words of wisdom from Mums who have been there- particularly any who dont drive.
I am due my second baby, My DD is 2 and will be 2 and a half when the baby arrives.

I think i am more nervous this time than I was last time. Birth was alright (in as much as it can be) and DD was a good sleeper, eater and is a generally good child. Apart from problems bfeeding, everything went well.

We have a nice life now, DD comes everywhere and we get out and about lots.
What I am frightened of is the walls closing in on me with Number 2. Our house is small but in a central nice area and with negative equity, we cant move. Also I dont drive so am concerned that we will never leave the house! Juggling the needs of a toddler and new born is a concern but I guess everyone does it at some time.
Any advice out there that will help prepare me?

The toughest 2 years of my life. children now 4 and 7 though so things a lot easier.

but this was just my experience, some people say 'oh dc1 loves her new baby sister!". I was unlucky. My dc1 was a nightmare from the moment dc2 arrived. I did everything right.

I breastfed dc2 which looking back on it made dc1 more jealous. If I could have cuddled dc1 while my x bottled fed baby it would have helped. I didn't drive either btw. I got out and about but shopping was tricky.

ps, won't be as hard for you, my x was useless. I don't mean to scare you as much as I might hav.e

Watching this thread with interest!

We are having our second in February. DD is three but will be going to pre-school in September so I'm hoping that it might not be so difficult.

DD is similar in that she was a easy baby. Good eater, sleeper etc but I'm worried that that might mean that this one will be the opposite!

I don't drive either.

No Valium you didnt scare me. I am kind of resigned to the 2 years in a fog and my DD will undoubtedly be a nightmare. DH is pretty good (not great but not awful) and he drives so shopping etc should be covered. I know what you mean about bfeeding. Its sooo time consuming, I just dont know how I am going to manage that and give my attention junkie toddler enough time.

You are clearly a hero doing it all by yourself !

I have a ds age4 and dd age 1 I was more worried about dd but I knew what to expect and this meant I was well prepared. Birth was a doddle compared to ds.

Both my dc had colic, ds didn't sleep other than 12pm to 3pm for 4 months (till I worked out how to handle it) I was bf so could not hand him to others it was hard I was frightened of this with dd. DD was pretty similar and slept for 6hours mostly because I knew what I was doing. I have found the transition from 1-2 great I have enjoyed it and everything was so much easier this time.

I don't drive like you but walking everywhere with dd in the pram has made me lose most of my birth weight very easily making me feel happier and more confidant and able to get out more because I feel good IYSWIM.

You will be fine . I always said I only wanted two and was scared about that I was crying through my pg but now after seeing how easy and joyful the past year has been me and dp hope to try for a third soon .

OH and DP does not drive either and I managed to get about fine .

Sorry to hear that Valium.
I have found it pretty good to be honest, most of the time anyway. DS1 loves DS2 and DS2 hero worships DS1. (They are 1.0 and 2.11). The worst thing was the sleep deprivation for the first few months, so much harder to stay patient with DS1 when I was shattered.

Do you have any grandparents close by to take DD out for a few hours now and then? I was worried it would seem like DS1 was being pushed out but he loved having 'special trips with Nanny and Grandad!' I also made of point of saying things like 'DS2 can't do that because he's only a little baby, but you're a big boy so you can.... for example if he didn't want to eat something, or regressed back to baby ways.

Breastfeeding was ok to be honest, but having had a dreadful time first time round with no end of problems for the few few weeks, it was a piece a cake second time. DS1 would come and have a cuddle and bring a few books to read, and I admit that we did watch more CBeebies and DVDs than usual for a few months

More than anything, second time round the best thing was that I had so much more confidence in what I was doing, and I've enjoyed DS2 being a tiny baby more as I was less worried about everything.

Good luck!

My ds1 was 2y3m when dd was born. I also have ds2, who is 3y10m younger than dd. The smaller age gap was far easier to manage than the larger age gap.

A 2yo is still very much a baby. Mine was still in nappies, eating in a high chair, and taking long afternoon naps. We used a buggy board and he would chat with dd if they got bored in shops.

While I was pg with dd I changed the way I read to ds1, and taught him to hold the book on a cushion while sitting next to me on the sofa. This way I could breastfeed dd while cuddling ds1 and reading to him.

Dd generally wanted a bf when ds had his meals, so I would carry her in a ringsling. The sling took her weight and positioned her body, I only had to support her head. That way I could feed her with one hand and ds with the other hand.

I think that enabling feeding really helps with jealousy, as the toddler doesn't feel that feeding time is time taken away from him.

The best piece of advice that I did not take, was that the baby needs love and affection - which anyone can give - but the toddler needs Mummy. We made the mistake of splitting up care: dh looked after ds, I looked after the baby. Ds became very jealous of anyone or anything that took his Daddy's attention, and distrustful of me. It took a year to rebuild our relationship, and that only began to happen once dd was also in preschool and I juggled the days so that one morning a week she was there without ds, and he could spend that entire morning with me.

So I would say to share thx care of the two dc. And if anyone offers help hand them the baby and you spend time with the toddler.

As fir bring trapped in the house: no more so than with one dc. We walked most places, buses were tricky as I usually had to fold the buggy, but trains were ok - someone usually offered to help carry the buggy up and down stairs.

Hi, my DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 8mths. It's been tough but it's getting easier! The hardest thing for me was being on my own for long periods of time with both of them - feeling pulled in 2 directions, with not enough of me to go round IYKWIM. My DH works long 12 hour shifts so is away at key times - mealtimes and bath/bed times. The thing that really helped me is having people come round. I don't have to worry about getting them ready to go out and adult company keeps me sane It's also just the practical side of things - someone can entertain DS1 while I put DS2 to bed etc...

Going to the local park has also been good. Easy to get to / get back from and not a lot of effort to get there. Nightmare trying to go to toddler groups as DS1 will tantrum if I don't play with him and can't leave baby etc etc. Given up on them!

I've also enrolled DS1 in a playgroup from Sept. He needs toddler interaction now and it means he can play as he wants and tire himself out and I can spend some time with DS2. I just feel guilty all the time - I don't play enough with DS1 and I don't spend any time with DS2. But things are definitely easier as DS2 gets older. Hope this may help you. I know I've made the right decision having 2, it's just the early days are the hardest. Good luck!

I also agree bf was much easier second time around.

"The best piece of advice that I did not take, was that the baby needs love and affection - which anyone can give - but the toddler needs Mummy. We made the mistake of splitting up care: dh looked after ds, I looked after the baby. Ds became very jealous of anyone or anything that took his Daddy's attention, and distrustful of me. It took a year to rebuild our relationship, and that only began to happen once dd was also in preschool and I juggled the days so that one morning a week she was there without ds, and he could spend that entire morning with me." I agree with this 100%.

Ladies

Thank you so much for your replies. Prettcandles, the advice re toddlers needing Mummy is brilliant, I hadnt thought of it like that but it makes total sense.
Littlemisslozza - my mum is nearby and her and DD are devoted so that should help.
This has cheered me up no end - I literally lay awake last night with every thought from will DD feel rejected to where are the new babies clothes going to go, running through my head. If I wasnt preg I would prescribe myself a bottle or 2 of wine!

I found it is not as hard as you expect or think it might be. Quite quickly got into my own routine with both of them, find going out a lot helps. We dont drive either, depending if your dd1 is a good walker or not then get a double buggy if not so that you will still be able to go around everywhere easily (mine 17 months dif so had to have a double but stil using now ds1 is 2)
Once you get used to it, its not really much different from having only one. Hopefully you will be okay, especially as you said dd1 doesnt have problems sleeping or anything, otherwise if you have both of them up at night it could get a bit much.
Just force yourself to make sure you are getting out the house as much as possible,if you can just try and stick with dd1's previous routine and tag the baby alone, as it makes them feel settled seeing their life really hasn't changed thattt much?

I didn't find it a problem at all. I loved the fact that there were 2 of them, and was evedn better with 3, but then again, it is all I have ever wanted

Thanks for this thread, DD1 due end November and - depending on how things go, and persuading DH - would like to have second DC a couple of years later. Let us know how you get on!

Will do, can't see it being as blissful as BBrain but hopefully will pan out ok. Think I just need to stop sweating the small stuff!

My girls are 2 (only just) and 11 weeks.

Yes, there are days when its bloody hard work!
But you do get through them and have fab days too.

You will get out and about, so dont worry about that.
We drive so i suppose its easier but get yourself a double buggy and go for walks to the park etc.
Ive found that DD2 has just fitted in with dd1's routine really, ie playgroups.

Re birth- I was more nervous second time but its because you know whats coming this time! My second birth was MUCH easier though and quicker..
DD1- 27 hours, epidural the lot.
DD2- 6 hours, fully dilated at home in 2 hours with no pain relief.

We have no family nearby and am envious of friends with 2 who get lots of help so make use of Nanny to occupy one or the other.

I try to spend special time with DD1 when DD2 is asleep.
Even if its just reading a story together.
A current hit is cooking. Just the little boxed kits where you add an egg and milk. Quick and easy but fun and you get goodies at the end!

Anyway, Im rambling but dont worry you will be just fine

I am so glad this thread has been started and it's really interesting to hear the mixed answers. I am pg with dc2 due feb. Ds will be 4 in 3 weeks. I too am a little nervous about life with 2 los

wow im doing really well at killing threads just lately

I was like zapostrophe. I loved, loved, loved having dd2. So much so we went for no. 3 even though that wasn't in the plans. And now we have twins girls dd3 & dd4!!

You have been given plenty of good advice. There may be tough times, teatime being one of them, but you will become very adept at breast feeding while cooking/serving/wiping bottoms. Yes, you will have more TV in that first 6 months, but so what? Your DD won't hate your for it (it'll drive you mad though), it won't stunt her development it'll be a welcome aid to get her through until you are more compos mentis.

Slings are brilliant things. I had a wrap and not only was is sooo comfortable, but my dd slept really deeply in it so I could run and shout around the playground with dd1 and she didn't stir. It was amazing.

Your dd will soon learn about feed times and how it means you have to sit still for a while. She is changing and developing and learning so rapidly at this stage that by the time your new baby is a few months old she will be transformed and the feeds will be much more spaced out and short, and it won't be in the least bit stressful.

My advice I have learned from this time round with the twins, is that lunch time is a bit of a crunch time too. So at breakfast, when dp is still around, I make dd a sandwich and a drink and put it in the fridge. Then when we come in from wherever and the babies might be going mad, I have to feed and settle them whilst dd is saying she is hungry/thirsty, I can quickly say 'there's your lunch, there's a drink' and I can start feeding the babies and meeting everyone's needs.

When she wanted an afternoon nap still, I made it a treat to have her nap in Daddy's place in the bed. Then she would lie next to me and doze while I fed the babies, they would sleep in the cot and we would all get 1-2 hours shut eye. It was lovely and she saw it as a treat.

Hope that helps. Honestly, I loved having dd2. The twins are more tricky, but then they are twins so not comparable.

e3chick

Thats really helpful, great to get some good practicle advice. I think I am over thinking it but thats probably just the pregnancy hormones! I guess if you can do it with twins I can manage with one and my DD is such a dote so hopefully it will all go well. I'll keep you updated !

I'm just new to this 2DC malark. DS1 is 3.3yo and DS2 is 2 weeks old now. So far DH has been around to help with only short times out of the house so I've been on my own with both DC, but it has been okay. I'm dreading when his paternity leave finishes because I've no idea what the reality of 2DC on my own is going to be like. I suppose like everyone else I'll find a way to cope until DS1 starts nursery (which will only be 10 days after DH goes back to work). I will get a break when DS1 goes to nursery each afternoon - will help my sanity!

OP I'm sure you'll be fine, try not to worry about it too much. You'll find your own way to cope with it all.

I have DD1 age 2.4 and DD2 age 6 weeks. DH only had 1 weeks paternity leave so I've been on my own with them since DD2 was 1 week.

It's hard sometimes but nowhere near as bad as I thought! Yes, DD1 watches more tv than she used to, but she's also got into doing lots more things like colouring, sticking, jigsaws etc that she can do on the coffee table sitting next to me while I BF. I find generally our mornings are slow and she watches milkshake while I get dressed, breastfeed DD2, drink gallons of coffee etc. Then I try and get them both in the pushchair and out of the door by 10ish, and we do something whether it's go to the park, to a friend's house, to town etc - that way DD2 naps while I spend time with DD1. Then we get home for lunchtime, usually either me or DH has made a sandwich ready in the fridge, so DD1 eats that while I BF DD2. Then thankfully DD1 has a nap for 2/3 hours while I usually end up feeding DD2 some more while collapsed on the sofa and if she falls asleep I might manage to do some dishes/tidying or have a nap myself!

Usually in the afternoons we mooch about at home or occasionally go out to a friend's house,. DD2 is now getting to the stage where she will sit in her bouncy chair for short periods and watch me while I cook or clean, and thanks to the good weather DD1 is happy to play in the garden. Dinnertime is often a bit chaotic as that's when DD2 starts getting fussy and wants to feed for longer, so again I try to make sure I have DD1's food already prepared, usually our leftovers from the night before, or something trhat I cooked and froze while I was pregnant. Thankfully DH gets home in time for bathtime and to cook our dinner!

I think the best advice is to lower your standards a bit and don't expect to get all the housework etc done as well as looking after the kids! Our house is generally a tip and gone are the days when DH would come home to a cooked dinner! We both pitch in to do cleaning at weekends and mealtimes during the week are generally something simple like fresh pasta and sauce or jacket spuds.

It also helps to be prepared, so do things like make DD1's lunch the night before, and during the last few weeks before the baby is due try and stock up the freezer with meals for DD1 and for yourself and DH.

Oh, and I second that BF was so much easier second time round. DD2 is exclusively BF unlike DD1 ever was, and it makes it so much easier as once she's fed I can just bung her ibn the pushchair and leg it out the door without faffing about bringing bottles etc.

Oh, and a sling is great too - DD2 asleep in her's now!

Super easy for us but DS1 is 6 and very easy going and DS2 is even more chilled.

I am a pretty relaxed mum though and that probably helps.