Has my MIL made my DD insecure?

[MrsGravy]

My MIL has, in her own words, 'not bonded' with my 5yo daughter. She is smitten with my 3yo DS however. I have always felt sure that DD was oblivious to this - although it's horribly evident to me and DH i.e she buys things for DS but not DD (we don't allow her to give them unless she's bought for both though), she hangs on DS's every word and seeks out his company, she can barely be bothered to listen to DD when she talks to her and hardly ever seems to spend time with her. She's very 'sharp' with DD and tells her off quite readily, she's never told DS off for anything. She's never said anything positive about DD but is full of praise for DS.

After spending a weekend with them we have come home and DD is quite mopey. She has also said to both me and DH that 'everyone hates her'. She's never said anything like this before. She couldn't really articulate why she felt like this. She was happier after a lot of love and cuddles from me and DH. She hasn't directly said anything about MIL's treatment of her but I am now concerned that the situation is becoming damaging for her. I'd always said to DH that once this happened we'd stop seeing MIL. But is that too extreme a reaction? What can we do to sort this out? I have had words with DH about standing up for DD more strongly. He agrees that he should but finds confrontation difficult. Anyone got any ideas for tackling this in a very firm but not necessarily confrontational manner?

Would a letter be a good way to address it? You'd need to be very careful about the wording - perhaps write it together.

Express understanding that she may not feel the same about the children but ask that she is more careful to hide this from both of them. It is important that your DD feels that she and her brother are treated fairly.

MIL needs to be brought into line by DH over this. Not acceptable - sounds like she is favouring DS becasue he is a boy - is she the MOther of sons only??

Thanks Al1son. That's a good idea. Even if we just use a letter to articulate our thoughts.

Amothersplace, she favours the grandchildren who look like her/her kids iyswim?? She favours DS who looks like my DH and she favours another grandaughter who looks her daughter. My DD looks like me. Her other grandson looks like her son-in-law and is also slightly out of favour - though not as badly as DD.
I'm just not sure HOW to bring her into line?

My MIL is similar to yours. DD1 is God's gift but she won't even use DD2's name. My SIL has commented on this too. I don't think you can do aything but let her know how obvious it is. I think my MIL thinks she's being quite subtle.

We've decided that we will say something when the children themselves notice. I think you've reached that day MrsGravy. I don't envy you the task though.

Are you able to tell her what your DD said?
Surely it would break her heart to hear that a 5yr old thinks everyone hates her.
Maybe then she will make more of an effort to make your DD feel loved, even if she doesn't acknowledge that she may be part of the problm.