How do you handle a three-year-old's aggression towards a baby?

[rachelfruitloop]

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice, or at least some hope that life is going to get easier! I have to admit I've really been struggling the last couple of days with 2 kids. DS1 (age 3), has been really difficult, now to the point that he's smacking DS2 (age 10 weeks), on the head, scratching his face and trying to lay or roll on him. It seems that all the normal methods of punishing him when he's rough with the baby have no effect. I usually put him on the mat (our front door mat just inside the house) for 3 minutes. If he does it again then he loses a privilege like no story at bedtime or no dessert after dinner. Yesterday he peed whilst on the mat and I know it was just pure retaliation as he's been dry for months and very rarely has accidents. He was being so rough with DS2 whilst I was changing the baby's nappy (on the changing mat on the floor), he swooped in, smacked him on the head and tried to lay on him. I had to grab DS1 by the face and shove him away and quickly pick up the baby, poo and all. It just makes my blood boil, I absolutely can't keep my cool! Previously we had a challenge set on DS1's reward chart to "be gentle with the baby", and then it was "be gentle with everyone". DH changed his challenges this week so that one isn't on there at all. I wonder if that could be influencing the increase in aggression? DS1 is also so clued up that when he gets in trouble he puts on a sad face and says "I'm feeling jealous" trying to pull at my heart strings. I guess it's evident I've been too soft on him in the past and had too much discussion about his feelings. My mum says with dangerous things like harming the baby she'd give him a spanking but I really don't want to do that. I've found the best way to keep DS1 in line is to take them out so he isn't too bored, but I can't stay out all day, every day! So, any words of wisdom about how others deal with the older DCs aggression towards a baby would be gratefully received.

Firstly, give it some time. Your DS2 is still very young and this is still all very new for your DS1. My DS1 went through a month or two of being a complete PITA and massive tantrums when DS2 was born. It was bad as DH and I remembered looking at each other thinking 'God, what have we done?!!!' DS1 would be 'opportunistic'; if he was near DS2, he would kick in the general direction of DS2 so he could kick him. Smacking as well. I can empathise with your blood boiling bit for sure; I told my DH I can tolerate anything but for DS1 to be smacking/kicking sweetly innocent and defence-less DS2, it makes me see red BIG-TIME! I shouted at DS1 so much and had to physically remove him off DS2 quite a lot as well in those early days...

DS1 is now 2.5 and DS2 is 9 months old and the incidents of aggression have lessened a lot from the early days. I used to leave them for all of 2 minutes while I run up to have a shower and inadvertently, DS2 would be screaming his head off because DS1 has smacked him. Now I come down and they are playing separately but nicely. I think you need to be very consistent. DS1 was on a naughty step a lot in the beginning. Also, I think you need to punish him in the immediate aftermath of the incident. Taking away dessert for a meal time long after the incident might not be sending out the message clear enough to him.

I think you will find as well as your DS2 gets more robust and also more 'playful', your DS1 will find him more fun and fascinating. Remember that at this time, he is faced with this new thing that doesn't seem to react very well every time he does something, he just cries! DS1 now loves making DS2 laughs. And car journeys are actually a lot better with the two of them as DS1 keeps DS2 entertained! It will come with time, those early days are not easy though...

Thank you for your response Angel! We've had a couple of better days now, so I'm hoping that maybe his aggression has calmed for the time being. I agree with you that the consequences of his actions should be more immediate in the case of taking away a privilege, so I am keeping that in mind. It is good to know that your DS1 is getting on better with your DS2 now, it gives me hope!

I would suggest the simple technique; give him lots of attention when he is good, make time to be with the big one and give great attention. When he is bad, remove him dispassionately and ignore as much as possible. For feeding times etc, give him something to occupy him as a treat (CBeebies, his own doll to look after, whatever works).

He is only 3! He is jealous, and he will get your attention however he can.

It's really sweet now. DS2 adores DS1. For example, he hates the car seat but if DS1 is in the car too, suddenly he doesn't mind as all his attention is on DS1. He laughs and giggles when I bring him downstairs to DS1's room to get him in the morning. Lots of behaviour like that coming your way hopefully! But I do remember those early grim days well. My other tips would be:

• Choose your battle. Yes, hitting is not acceptable but if your DS1 doesn't want to share his toys, give it some time. We were obsessed initially with making DS1 share and then we had a lightbulb moment: DS2 didn't care and most of the toys are DS1's anyway, it's not really fair to make him share all the time. In the end, we keep telling him it's important to share etc but don't make it a huge battle. Not now anyway, plenty of time for that later.

• Make sure you give DS1 lots of cuddles and rewards and make some time at the end of the day to give him one-on-one time. I always put DS2 to bed first and then I sit and cuddle DS1 and tell him what a good boy he is today for sharing his toys with DS2, for listening to mummy etc. And if I have done something not very nice like shout at home, I tell him I am sorry etc. It just gives a positive end to the day iykwim.

Everything will get better. I'm starting to really enjoy my day with the boys. I never thought I would say that in the beginning!

Don't give him any opportunity to harm the baby, and praise him highly on what a fantastic brother he is,. and how much the baby is going to learn from such a big and clever boy...

Also, three year olds don't have a great deal of nouse about what you can or cannot know, so tell him "The baby thinks you are a really kind brother" "The baby thinks you are very clever and told me he wants to grow up to be just like you" "The baby wants to hear you singing a nice song"