Am I being fair to give ex partner access three nights per week?

[GetupandGo]

Hi everyone,

Im a bit of a newbie so please forgive me if I ramble a little.

I was just hoping someone could advise me as to whether Im doing the right thing?? I allow my son to stay with his father 3 nights a week without question. However, my ex wants more. He is demanding we split the extra day of the week evenly. I don't think that this is very realistic as it means having three handover days a week.

Given the age of our son, I struggle to give him up for three nights as it is... I just can't cope with any more. My ex also wants to keep hold of him should he become ill (eg we thought he had chicken pox one day and he wanted to take him away for the week, I refused.) He says he should have him ill or well but DS is still breastfeeding, I know I should be winding this up soon but he does still feed when he's feeling under the weather. Also I cant help but feel kids want their mums when theyre poorly.

This is really bringing me down and I just don't know what to do. Because I caused the split, (felt ex was emotionally abusive, fell for someone else), I just feel guilty all the time and have made an extra special effort to be fair but even that it seems, has not been enough.

What do I do? If I refuse to compromise further in mediation, can he take me to court?? What would they say?? This is stressing me out so much.

If anyone can offer thoughts or advice, I'd be most grateful.

what age is your son?

why should you be winding up breastfeeding? it should continue as long as you and your son are both happy with it.

why would sharing a fourth day mean 3 handovers a week? surely it could tag onto the start or end of his existing contact agreement?

He is 22 months

We are both happy to continue but ex doenst think it is appropriate any more. He only feeds first thing in the morning when we have cuddles and sometimes to get him to nap at home in the day. It really chills him out.

Ex works in the morning, then has DS in the pm, then 2 days with him straight, then the morning after and he's back to work that pm. So this extra day would mean an entire seperate day being split.

ex doesn't really get a say in whether it is 'appropriate'. do not give up BFing because your ex doesn't like it. and a morning feed and naptime feed isn't taht much anyway. continue as you are.

ok so the extra day would mean you taking him in the morning and him going back to ex in the afternoon? what does ex do with him on the two days that he has him all day? does he take him to a creche or CM? do you work?

Ex uses his two days off to have time with his little boy so entire time is spent with him. I work when he has DS. We do not use creches or child minders at all.

well, tbh i don't think it is an unreasonable request to split the time equally. if he was able to change his hours so that he had a straight stretch with ds then it would be better for ds. can you ask him about that? the sickness thing really depends on your son. if he is very upset and asking for you then i think your ex should do the right thing and bring him to you but if he is ok with your ex then i see no reason why he shouldn't be with him.

ok thank you for your time

I guess your ex is probably finding the time apart from your ds difficult as well. Can you hold out on extra time until ds is a bit older?

I don't think he can take you to court - you are being more than fair - and anyway courts nearly always favour the mother especially with ds being so young. The other thing to bear in mind is the more time he has him during the week, the less maintenance he has to pay you.

This is a very good website with lots of useful information advice now

Any other views out there??

Thank you pinkteddy, I'll look at that now. It just feels like a relentless battle! Cant help feeling perhaps I gave too much too soon.

have you got concerns about your son being there? is this why you are so upset about it? why do you think you are giving him too much. surely shared care is the ideal scenario?

oh yes i also don't think, even if it did get to court, that your ex would get the extra half day as it would mean extra disruption and confusion for your ds. unless your ex was willing to change his hours so that he had a straight run then i cant see a judge granting him an extra half day.

booyhoo,

I have a few concerns, mainly that he lives with his mum and dad and they have a dog. His parents let him poke the dog around, This terrifies me. But that said, I have to trust my ex to keep him safe.

Ex's work are having trouble creating this block of time for him as it is. They will not tag on another half day for him as that would be the equivalent of three days off. This is an arrangement that we will have to stick to for the forseeable future so we need it to be workable.

have you spoken to him about the dog? does he know you are concerned?

i agree with cat, it does seem like quite a good arrangement and would be best for your son if it can be as amicable as possible.

considering that his work isn't willing to accomodate him i would suggest keeping things as they are for the time being, your son is almost 2 so in about a year he will be going to nursery, this could enable your ex to have him for a bit extra time depending on how is work situation is by then and what hours your son will be in nursery (i.e; morning or afternoon session). tell your ex that at the minute you feel it would be too disruptive for ds but you are willing to revisit the situation in a years time when ds will be a bit older and will be starting nursery. if he is a reasonable person he should understand your reasoning rather than just wanting his fair share at the expense of your son's happiness.

If your ex is good with your son then isurely it's okay for the time to be split evenly? Your son will benefit from this too and be close to both you and his father. Surely a good thing, no? It's not easy on you, of course (as he's your ex), but it looks from the outside to be the best for your son... I think it's terrific that your ex wants so much access - plenty ex fathers want or get very little.

I think it's a slippery slope. So today you decide to give up another day every couple of weeks and then what next
I think you guys had an agreement when you split. Don't change the rules now

And stop feeling guilty

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Earlyriser1, really appreciate your comment but then maybe that's because it's what I want to hear??

I think I will stand my ground for now and try to keep things as they are. When he starts school or preschool then it might be more workable to do a more even arrangement.

It really does help to hear the different opinions though. Most mothers I speak to are shocked when they ask where my son is and I tell them he goes to his father three nights a week. It really drags me down to receive that reaction and I start to question if Ive done the right thing. Hearing all your replies reaffirms Im right to encourage a strong relationship with his father.

Fingers crossed it all works out, thanks again

I'm not sure of who you would phone but maybe try social services for an informal chat without telling them who you are and ask what they consider to be a fair split for a 2 year ols in terms of living between 2 parents. They may say what you are doing is fine or they may say for that age, they need to be with one parent for the majority of the week or something?

Poor you :(

I think you are doing a good job in letting your child develop a good relationship with his father. However, I think you are being perfectly reasonable with the arrangement you already have and shouldn't change, especially if it would make continuing BF'ing difficult.