naturally negative child

[racingheart]

Sorry long post but this has been brewing for ages:

One week into the holiday and I'm feeling worn down by one of my kids. He finds fault with everything. He sighs and puts his head in his hands (he's just turned 8) As soon as I ask what's up he sighs and says 'it doesn't matter.' Yesterday we were out with a family we don't know that well. We were having a lovely outing but he kept lying down underneath climbing frames and sighing with a far away, tearful look in his eyes but wouldn't say what was wrong. This went on for hours, until I started to feel guilty if I so much as smiled at another child or praised my other son for some climbing he'd done, as he reacted heavily as though I was ignoring him or favouring others when I was just sharing out the attention, as you do, as a mum.

I love him so much and I'm starting to get pretty worried about him, about how he will find happiness in life when he is so unenthusiastic and quick to find the negative, quick to give up an everything. His teacher told me he is far and away the best in literacy in his class but was the only one not to finish a story project so the only one not to get published in the class story book. She offered to let him finish in his own time (after the book had been printed) but after three or four attempts to get him engaged I gave up as all the input was mine not his and that seemed wrong.

If things don't go his way he is absolutely gutted and takes it to heart, blowing the upset out of proportion and making it general. (E.g. not getting commended by his teacher for another project he did show enthusiasm for became: I'm useless at everything, no one notices me. I ended up pleading with the teacher to find something to praise him for as he was acting like the forgotten little orphan in the corner. She assured me he was far from overlooked day to day and I went away feeling like a foolish pushy mum with a very nice teacher.)

He gets a lot of attention. We chat with him, listen to him, read to him, play with him, he has friends round, plenty of time to himself, but life just seems an uphill struggle to him, he has no natural enthusiasm for anything which requires even a tiny bit of effort. he only gets happy at spending money, eating sugar or watching TV and I know that long term these things alone won't give him a happy life. It's bringing me down.

I want to teach him strategies to help but hardly know where to start. I've been trying to coax him into making an effort at things he finds hard in the hope that he'll gain confidence as he improves. It's an exhausting battle. But left to his own devices he'd just zone out in front of the tv all day.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

DS10yo can be quite negative.
A big part of it, I now realise, has been social disasters at school. He felt quite down on himself because he wasn't one of the popular ones and there was lots of snipping and sniping from his peers that he took too much to heart.

I don't have personal experience but depression does occur in children - is that a possible explanation?

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/childhealth6-15/Pages/depressioninyourchildren.aspx

Thanks for your replies.

ragged - how have you handled this? He certainly sees himself as 'less' than his friends event hough he isn't and they are a nice bunch - far nicer than his brother's class, who really do play on popularity.

jmc - yes, this is exactly what I'm worried about. It runs in the family and I'm hoping to guide him out of it before he gets stuck in that negative way of thinking.

We are moving him to a different school, so I suppose we haven't handled it well at all .
DS refuses to join in clubs (used to try them, but now says they're all too boring). I don't know if it's a chicken and egg thing: 8yo DD goes to lots of clubs and they all help boost her self-esteem -- but does she go happily because she already feels good about herself? I wish that DS could find something that would really grab his interest and boost his self-confidence.

Depression runs in our families, too .

I understand where you are coming from my DS9 sounds similar - although i must say he is improving a lot lately.

He has always been negative about everything, doenst want to join in, everything is boring or rubbish etc etc

I have continued to be enthusiastic and encouraging and ignored a lot of the moaning although he doesnt sound as bad as your ds.

I think with the clubs - dont push it - give him the option and if he doesnt want to take it then drop it.

I found myself getting too involved at times - he would say oh i like this and i would go ott and find out everything about it and really push it onto him - now i back off and pretend not to be that interested

He is now improving quite a bit as his confidence increases - mine has not long joined a new school and it has helped - he is popular and that has done a lot for him

racmac, I've made exactly the same mistake. Went overboard when he showed an interest in art and he lost interest very quickly. Think I was just too OTT for him.

Ragged, it's so hard to get the balance right isn't it? I never know whether to insist he sticks with something long enough to get good at it because there's a struggle involved, or whether to just let him choose. As a result he's behind lots of his peers on basic skills like learning to swim and ride a bike because he never had that will to master anything. I wish I could just give him that will.It would make his life so much easier and happier.

I always forced ds to stick at some things - so swimming i made him do it because when he was there he enjoyed it and i always said when you get to this level (ie swimming well) you can stop. and i did let him stop when he could swim.

Football - there has been times when he has said i dont want to go this week but Ive made him because i wont allow him to chop and change

He is always told he can try something new but he sticks at it for 3 months before i buy any equipment.

It is hard when they are so down on everything and i am naturally a positive person