HELP

[teddles]

how do i win back a daughter that i have not seen for 27 years. she also has a daughter, my grandaughter,. we have met once since she made contact but now seems to be backing off.

Erm, we need more backstory! Why now? Why haven't you seen her for 27yrs?

Welcome to Mumsnet by the way

Obviously I don't know anything about the background but a generally good piece of advice is more listening, less talking. She's probably spent her whole life thinking about what she wants to say/ask. If you haven't given her lots of time and space to do that now might be a good opportunity.

i havent seen her since she was under a year old, she is now 27 and her daughter is 5.she contacted me thru facebook 6 months ago and we met 3 weeks ago after 5 months of text and talking on the phone.she now wants to slow things down bit stay in touch. she also says she has told her daughter

I think in order to get some more advice on here it'd be helpful to reveal some of the reasons why this has happened. Eg did you leave? were you forced out? where has she been? who's looked after her etc etc

That sounds fair - it must be a big change for her. Can you take it really slow and build up the relationship gradually? It will be more natural that way, won't it?

If she's saying she wants things to slow down my guess would be that she feels the need to have a little more control?

Perhaps you could be very open about it and message her saying you would like her to take the lead so you'll be backing off a bit. Add that you don't want to see less of her but you it's more important that she's comfortable.

Speaking with experience from your daughters point of view...

and trying not to be too harsh...

maybe she has just satisfied her curiosity (sp?) and thats all she needed.

Definitely let her take things at her pace or you will scare her off.

She sayp she wants to take things more slowly and also shd dont want to risk upsetting hes family who would rather I would stay away. I have a nice house and a good job thay base there dislike on something that hap all those years ago when I was 16

What they're judging you for is what gave them the chance to bring her up and enjoy her so don't let that get to you.

She needs to work through this with them and know that you'll be there when it's sorted.

I'm sure you had compelling reasons for missing out on her life - nobody should judge you for that. However, harsh as it may seem, you did make the decision to walk away from her all those years ago and now you need to sit back and wait to see if you'll be welcomed back into her life as and when she is ready.

I really hope that, given time, she'll be able to get to know you properly and you'll be able to enjoy having her and your granddaughter in your life.

Thank you Al1son