What's a fair split of time with DH for our DD?

[pinkpoppies]

I'm struggling with the time my DH spends with our DD (12mths). He is happy with half an hour of quiet time while she has her milk before I take her to bed. I'm not! For her sake and mine.

He works v hard and does physical outdoor work so often has aches n' pains after a difficult day (so can't do bathtime). Still, we've had a few discussions about the quality time he should have with DD but it doesn't seem to make a difference. This isn't how we talked about what family would be like BC!

I'm coping ok now DD sleeps through the night but at 6 mths I was shattered & fed up! Weekdays & weekends are just the same. I think he should do bathtime & put her to bed some evenings/week (I wish he'd want to do it).

What do you think is reasonable to ask him to do?

He should do as much as possible at the weekends and be as fully involved as his job allows. DH does bath and bed most nights and a lot of stuff at the weekend. He has them if I go shopping whether for food or fun stuff and is a hands on dad. It is important for the children as well as him that dad is just as able with them as mum.

If he can do a physical job, then surely he can cope with bathtime! I think you need to put your foot down about this.

It sounds like you are a SAHM - it might be worth pointing out how much more he would have to do if you were working outside the home, or if you buggered off with the milkman and he had to hire a nanny, who would be unlikely to be on duty 24-7.

I think you should also insist that he does more at the weekends - just tell him you are going out shopping or with friends one Saturday afternoon, and let him get on with it! I know you probably want to spend time together as a family, but IME, men need to spend time alone with the DCs to build up their confidence and bond with them.

FWIW, some men do enjoy spending time with their DCs more the older they get. This was certainly true of DD's dad.

My dh also has a physical job and works 6 days a wk, sometimes 7. We had a chat when ds was about 12 months as I also felt he wasn't doing enough. Now when he gets home from work they play for 30mins to an hr (whilst I have a break) and then we both do bathtime and bedtime together/take it in turns whilst the other tidies upstairs/puts clothes away etc. That way we are both downstairs by 7-7.30pm having a quick tidy or relaxing after we have both had long, hard days! Your situation doesn't sound fair at all, your dc is both your responsibility. Hope you manage to come to an arrangement that suits you both Oh and my dh and ds's absolutely cherish the time they get together in the evenings [smile[

Can your DH to the morning breakfast shift? No excuses that he's too tired after work!

I would express so that my DH would take care of the morning bottle, breakfast, change, dress and clean teeth. Not forgetting playing. It meant that he had to wake earlier than he would normally (and he was not a morning person) but he soon grew to love it and sees it as their time together. DH recommends it to all his mates that are new fathers as it really helped him bond and feel included. It also allows me to sleep in if I needed to catch up on some sleep.

DH often works late and would miss bath and bedtime so this way he felt he wasn't totally missing out and was helping.

This is the first time I've used mumsnet so have been really grateful for the feedback! Thanks

I'll be having a chat with DH to see what we can come up with!

Oh my goodness. My DH works 50-60 hour weeks (though not a physical job) and is permanently shattered. He never sees DD (2.1ys) at night - only in the mornings and is desperate to spend time with her all weekends. He does not see it as looking after her - he is her parent and just wants to be with her even when he's shattered. It should be a natural desire of your DH to want to spend time with and do things (even bath time etc) with your child. Sorry, but his excuses of being tired and worn down are unacceptable.

In addition, as your child gets older and becomes a toddler she's going to be more energetic/physical/demanding and you will NEED his help and support otherwise YOU will break down with tiredness (a toddler require's even more of a parent's energy and attention than a baby IMHO). Please talk to him now.

=) thanks for the push in the right direction! I guess you know that somethings not right really, you just don't want to have the conversation for the fireworks it'll create. Why he doesn't seem to 'want' to spend time with DD.....I can't understand that at all coz she's a beautifully happy, good natured girl!

Plus, just found out I'm pregnant again so there is no way I can do it all with 2! If I let him carry on being this way he's got little reason to change it. Right....