Answering my son's questions about death

[WingDad]

Hi mumsnetters!

I have 3 boys, 12, 9 and 5; the youngest is at the stage where he questions anything and everything that comes his way. I have nothing wrong with that, and myself and my wife are happy to answer the pondering questions (most are like "How do cars go?" and the such like).

However, I've had some difficulty with a few questions he's been asking recently. I'm in the RAF and I serve as an infantry officer, I'm expecting my squadron to be given a date to go to Afghanistan in the near future. My kids are very aware of my job, as they live near the base and I'm often in uniform around them (naturally). The other day the news was on while I was cooking dinner, and the terribly sad news came up about a soldier dying in Afghan. My son was watching and he piped up: "Daddy, he looks like you!", referring to the similar uniform. I agreed with him but then I realised the question would soon come, and it did. "Are you going to be shot as well Daddy?" It was quite a peculiarly worded question, but he'd obviously linked the uniform and the fact he knows I use weapons in my job to the death. I managed to get him off the subject because the dinner was finished, but he keeps persisting with the question.

I don't know why, maybe because it scares him? Maybe he just wants an answer? To be perfectly honest, I don't know what to say to him. The idea of me being killed in action actually scares me as well, because I'd hate to leave my family with such a burden. That self-fear is making it difficult for me to form a decent answer appropriate for someone of his age.

He has an understanding of death, but I think he's getting confused about people dying "young" or early in their lives, rather than being elderly. My two other boys (12 and 9) have a completely full understanding of the risks I face, but oddly enough neither of them quizzed me on the things the 5y.o. is when they were his age.

My wife thinks I should just be totally honest with him, saying that I could die when I'm away; but I'd be in a safe place and always with him. But I just wanted to pick all of your brains on the issue.

I'm sorry about this being a terribly long-winded post, but it's good typing it all out.

Cheers for any advice ladies (and gents, if applicable).

WD

Hi wingdad as my dc are only 3 and 1 I
don't have a lot of experience although ds is talking about death a lot already.

I think you dw is right be honest and make sure he knows how much you love him and maybe that you will do your best to stay safe if that's the right way to word it.

Take care of you.

I have no direct experience of this either - have you posted in the forces section as well?

I think your wife is right in that he has asked you a direct question and you need to be honest with him that it is a possibility. But then obviously you need to be ultra reassuring as well.

Stress that you have no intention of this happening and will do everything you can to keep safe.

Just an idea - do you have a 'talisman' of any sort? Maybe you could tell him about it? If not, maybe invent one? I know it sounds daft but it might give him something concrete to focus on - 'daddy's got his lucky underpants (or whatever!) on that have kept him safe before and will keep him safe again'.

Also, tell him about your colleagues (their names as well) and how fantastic they are and how they will help to keep you safe. Anything that will reassure him.

This is a nice book which deals with death. The paperback one not the hard back which is slightly different.

Very best wishes to you.

Loopymumsy - Good advice from someone who knows.

I've been thinking about this today. Please ignore my previous waffle about having a lucky charm - I was thinking along the lines of how to deal with irrational fears in young children. But this is not an irrational fear.

You won't go wrong if you're honest, allow him to talk about freely about his worries, and put them into perspective for him as loopymumsy says.

I dont have any experience of the forces, however my father died at 33 of a rare cancer which was very unlucky. My brother and I were young (7 and 10) and of course this meant my mum and grandparents had to broach the subject of death quite early and in depth with us.

With this in mind, Id tend to agree with your wife. Honesty can only be the best way to deal with this - in the early stages of my dads illness, we were told he would be fine and of course there was no way of knowing that. It did make us feel lied to, like the adults were keeping us in the dark and of course we had question after question when it turned out he wasnt going to be ok.

I think the truth, (put in a simple way so he understands and maybe doesnt ask again) can be the only way to deal with this.

Well I thank you all very much about your advice, you have no idea how much it helps!

I return with good news actually, I managed to have a bit of a heart-to-heart with him at bedtime. I had read him a book in bed and after I finished he popped the question again. I realised now (when I was alone with him) was probably the best time to talk to him about it. Therefore, I started off by saying that he knows what kind of work I do, and that sometimes it can be a bit dangerous. I continued on, almost easing him into the concept of me not returning home one day.

It was difficult because I wanted him to fully understand that one day I might die, while also not wanting to upset him. There were a few tears with, "I don't want you to die Daddy" to which I told him that I will try my very best not to, and that it's him and his brothers (and the wife!) who make me want to carry on so I can see you all again. He looked very worried and I was a bit concerned I hadn't approached it correctly as he was having a bit of a cry. I kept telling him that I would always love him and all that, and luckily I did get a laugh out of him (can't remember the joke, sorry!). We ended with a hug and a kiss. It took its toll on me actually to be honest, as I was closing his door he whispered, "I love you Daddy" and I'm not going to lie that a few tears escaped my eyes once I had left the room!

Nettie - Yes it would appear honesty was the best option, and my wife was right all along! Thanks.

Besom - Your talisman idea isn't ridiculous at all. I may resort to it with 5y.o if the worry continues; my 12y.o actually has necklace I gave him when he was very young and going away for several months on operations; as a means of reminding him I'm always with him. He's very secretive about it (he's got to be cool!) but I spot him wearing it every now and then. I also did tell my 5y.o about some of my work colleagues (we're family friends with a few); it was like, "Do you remember Tom, my friend? He stays with me all the time and he's very good at his job, he looks after me and I look after him; because we both have families to love." I have actually come across that book before, I'll look into buying it. Thank you for your helpful suggestions.

Loopsy (nice name!) - Thank you for your brilliant advice. I have to say I didn't really go into the idea of being shot doesn't always mean death, as I was conscious I might overload him. I shall bear it in mind though should the issue arise again.

I do actually have letters written for all of my kids, my wife and my parents in the event of my death. My brother looks after them. I have to update the kids' letters every so often as they grow up; difficult writing them at first but it's comforting to know they'll have some consolation should the worst happen.

Mammie - I'm sorry to hear about your dad, that must have been hard on you. I'm very conscious about not pulling the wool over my kids' eyes, which has led to me heeding advice and being honest with them. Thank you.

Well thanks everyone again for this invaluable advice, it certainly did help me formulate what I was going to say to him when the time came. I guess I owe you all one!

WD

Dammit I'm sorry about these mega long posts, I seem to just ramble on haha! Terribly sorry everyone, I forgive you if you give up reading half way through!