Help me - I have no patience and shout all the time

[highlystrung]

I feel like the worst mother in the world at the moment. I've got three DCs. Eldest is 5 and just finished reception, DS1 is 3 and baby is 7 months. I've had severe PND since my baby was born prem and ill at 36 weeks. Now she's fine but I've had extreme anxiety (had to see a psychiatrist). I'm slowly getting better but really struggle not to tell my kids off all the time. I have no patience and am struggling with having all three of them on my own in the holidays. DH works long hours so it's basically just me and I find it so exhausting that my DD asked me if I like being a mum the other day. I think she thinks I don't, and to be honest sometimes I'm not sure I do. It's all so relentless. I love them so much and at the end of every day I feel like shit because I've told them off too much or been to harsh on them. Other mums seem like Mary Poppins compared to me and I feel like I'm letting them down. Sorry to rant - just always thought I'd be a better mum than I am and it makes me sad.

sounds like you need a break
can your dh have some time off work so you can recharge your batteries?
is it possible for him to cut downj his hours temporarily?
do you have family or friends nearby who could help?

i find it a huge help just to get out once a day. somehow when you're out and about and not sitting there worrying about the mess and doing laundry and thinking about what to get for tea it's a whole lot easier.
even if it's just a trip to the park, or a soft play place you know they'll be safe in while you sit and have some tea

I have every sympathy. Its very easy to loose your rag when kids are constantly testing your patience.
Are you taking anti depressants? They are really helpful.
Also you need regular childcare help. Space for you to breathe.
A happy mummy makes for happy children. Remember that when your wondering if you should expect more help or time off. No one should work 24/7 with no time off.

I don't know if this will work but it helped me in teaching:
I was going through a stage where I would shout at my class all the time. I didn't mean to, I just got into the habit and it would be the first thing I would resort to, instead of the last. So I wore a little stretchy bracelet on my wrist, and when I felt myself going shouty I would pull it, and it would remind me to pick another strategy. Slowly I used it less frequently and now don't wear it at all.
Maybe something like that could help?

I think we all thought we'd be better parents than we are. I don't know anyone who pats themselves on the back and says to themselves, "'I'm doing a really great job as a parent."

It is exhausting. It is wearing and the hardest thing you've done so far.

But you've got 3 dcs 5 and under. That's a lot of pressure. I've got the same. And I feel a lot of guilty about telling them off - well, I tell ds1 off the most.

Early nights 2 x per week. I mean, 9pm. It makes such a difference to your energy levels.

Are you getting enough iron? Don't assume you are. You might need to supplement. I do and it's made a big difference.

Do you get out and about enough? Being outside is always easier, I find. Whereabouts are you, highlystrung?

Since the holidays started, I've taken my 3 swimming at my gym almost every day. Shallow pool, older 2 got armbands and we're off. They get worn out by just 30 mins in the pool. Followed by a hot choc in the caff and home for lunch. Is anything like that feasible for you?

Playdates - does your eldest have any pals she'd like to visit over the holidays?

Also, when your baby is snoozing, can you make a special fuss of your elder two? I've found that doing just that seems to have an effect on their subsequent behaviour for the rest of the day when the baby wakes up.

But, take heart. I tear my hair out too sometimes. X

Yes before you go to shout mentally count to ten and think how else you could get the point across. Shouting can become habbit. I've been through that. I find telling them that I'm going to get really cross in a minute or that they are making me feel sad behaving this way a good way of getting them to stop and think about what they're doing. That also teaches them to have more awareness of how their behaviour affects other generally.

Thanks for the messages. I never get any time off to myself - despite the GP saying it was 'critical' that I do because i've been in crisis with PND. I will try the wristband idea. Tomorrow is another day!

My post didn't take into account your pnd. Sorry. Not a good response from me in that case.

highlystrung I know how you feel, and I agree with bumbums (great name btw!) anti-depressants really helped me to cope better with my extreme anxiety which was causing me to be very irritable and shouty with everyone (especially the kids) I became a much calmer and relaxed person and most important a happier one. I'm also having cognitive behaviour therapy which is also helping. Just remember your not on your own and you are a great Mum, you have just lost your way a bit and need to find yourself again and try to make time for you, easier said than done I know but I know how easy it is to lose your own identity after you've had kids.

Could you get a babysitter in for a couple of hours, once a week, so you could go off for an hour by yourself or get DH to look after them on a Saturday for a few hours. You NEED time alone.

I don't really have any advice, I just want to say that FWIW I think it sounds like you are doing an amazing thing. I am struggling to stay chilled and stop stressing madly with only one child who isn't even a bad baby. To deal with three in your circumstances is huge. So don't be hard on yourself. You are only human. Don't add to your stress by thinking less of yourself.

That said,cCould a grandparent or other relative help, maybe by taking either just baby OR the two older kids for a day to let you have quality time with whoever you are left with? Not so hard as asking someone to look after all three and maybe even just that small lightening of a load now and then would help?

Good luck. I'm in awe of anyone with more than two kids!

Seriously thanks so much girls. I'm trying to get out as much as possible but am trying not spend much money as we're going to France in three weeks and need spending money. Really looking forward to that - two weeks with DH helping - so am keeping that in my mind when things get tough. I'm on the waiting list for CBT and have come off the ADs (maybe too early). I'm sure there are millions of women who feel the way I do - this is my first summer hols with them all and it's a challenge but I'm trying to see it as a positive. They're lovely kids - just need to calm down a bit and try to enjoy them rather than endure them!! Thanks again everyone.

op, my eldest is 12 and I shout at him all the time

no on who spends all summer holidays with their kids and doesn't have any regular family childcare DOESN'T shout! trust me!

keep ploughing on, the summer hols don't last forever

I just want to say all you mums are fantastic. And we are only human! I have a very active 1yr old and beginning to feel a little stressed and pushed to the limits sometimes! Tips on here are great, I'll try out the wristband idea and going to bed earlier. I love my wee boy so much, and feel so blessed to have a such an energetic, fun, happy little boy. When he's in bed and I reflect over the day, I feel dreadful, so I'm just looking at ways to deal with these trying situations and not feel like I'm losing it so much!

Thanks guys! Support networks like this are brilliant. Love x