How did you break lying next to your child at bedtime

[bottletopbilly]

ds is now age 5 and I lie next to him after stories till he drops off.

He always has had a fear of being upstairs on his own and 9 times out of 10 wont go upstairs for a wee on his own.

Bedtimes always used to be ok 10 mins and he was asleep but now its getting to be a chore he's taking at least 30mins/40mins to get to sleep .. due to winding down, singing, messing around we end up with me tellin ghim off, settle down and me shouting.

IVe tried letting him stay up later so he's tirer, also told him I will only stay on the understanding that he sleeps when he messes about I will go down.

He goes mental if I get up and genuinely doesnt like being on his own and seems scared particularly at night time.

He has settled alot since hols and goes off to sleep fairly quickly but I just want the day when I read stories, say night night and come down.

Will he just grown out of it do you think? How did you break this habit?

Hell eventually grow out of it.

DS1 was very much like this. He's now 11 and goes to bed by himself! DH lay with him until he was 7/8.

ummm 7-8 I have a feeling this will be me!!!

he does seem genuinely scared though

I saw my SIL fall into this trap and made sure that I never started the habit with my own dcs! My nephew did eventually grow out of it, but only when younger siblings appeared on the scene when he was six or so.

Instead of just getting up and leaving him, could you try a series of "reasons" to pop out of the room for a few minutes?

Such as going to the loo, going to put some washing away in your room, popping downstairs to fetch something etc. But tell him where you're going and always go back in to his room. Or would that all be too distracting for him?

Ask yourself if you believe he's okay. If you can really believe that its okay for him to lie on his own to go to sleep, then just insist, couple it with some rewards, praise and explain why its important. Then stick to a plan!

If he's scared you might add in things to help him feel comforted (night light, blankets, stories, checking on him every 5 mins) - these can be phased out later as he gets more confident.

If part of you thinks its not okay to leave him feeling scared you'll never go through with it!

Its completely your choice, depends on how important it is to you. For me I've always had to reach a point where it feels really important to change things, for instance if I'm being a shit mum because I'm VERY tired and resentful. Or when it got to the stage of staying up til 10pm before I could cook and wash up! Everyone's different with what they think is okay, so you might choose now that you can cope with the irritation, in order to be sure he's feeling okay, but in 6 mths time feel differently.

Whatever you choose good luck with it - you sound like such a loving mum!

I second gradual withdrawal - very very slowly

Why is he scared of upstairs? Are there monsters there? If so, you might like to try monster spray or monster dust that they can't get past, telling him that monsters are NOT ALLOWED because Mummy says so and Mummy is The Boss, or a big poster that he can draw telling monsters to stay out.

thanks for your words of wisdom!! If I nip to the loo he follows really doesnt like being on his own.

I may try the gradula withdrawal but really cant see that working as he is now 5.5yrs so not a toddler.

Will have a think, but thanks again

tried last night but ds not having any of it, prefers it when Im in the room

You could always sit in his room and read a book.

Get gradually further away.

Next stage: explain that he's a big boy now and that you have to pop out for 1 minute at a time. Perhaps get him a digital clock with seconds so he can literally watch the time pass. Important point: ensure you are back after exactly 1 minute and don't be unreliable!

Then you could extend to 2 mins and work up to 5 mins. Then I would think it could stay at that level for a while. Popping upstairs every 5 mins is fairly do-able.

Having been like this as a child, I think it's all about trust. If you say you're coming up in 5 mins, it's important you do. Once the child is sure you'll do as you say, they will hopefully relax more and feel more secure in their room.