Did chaos hit when dealing with new baby (and close age gap?) How to get through it?

[EugenieM]

Hi All,

I've just spent my first half day alone with son (14 months) and very new newborn (5 days). What an eye opener.

How does anyone breast feed with this age gap?

Survive without help? (We are contemplating some and are in the lucky position of being able to afford at least some part time help) but it wont be full time.

Maintain any kind of loose schedule for older child? (I'm no convert to Gina Ford at all - but we did have a soft schedule that seemed to preserve sanity). Its all gone out the window because of distress of older child. We had no idea it would impact him this much!

Any thoughts / advice very much welcome.

Exhausted thanks!

Hi EugenieM,
There are 15 months between my 2 girls, I used to put something on the telly the older one liked and get them settled before I fed the baby. If she was feeling a bit left out I encouraged her to come and sit with us and cuddle in on my other side.
You do need to keep the older in a routine and I think this helps them,
hope this helps x

Answer to the breastfeeding question - CBeebies!!!

I've never had any help at all and didn't do routines so can't help there, we just muddled through

My gap isn't quite that small, but we did several things:

Certain activity boxes created just for when breastfeeding (craft/playdough/little basket of household things she hadn't seen, special music CDs and yes, a dvd for final resort)

Attend regular groups so that the toddler got to know and like them/the people which meant there was a few hours everyday when they were entertained while you can feed.

Take them out. On your own. Mine were always better behaved when just with me. When outside the baby was happier, slept well and fussed less, and DD loved the special outings.

Finally, once you have some regular groups established (or some other routine), it would be easier to get help to take him to them.

Hope that helps. It does get easier!

just leaving a message of support and hope things get easier. If you are struggling, be honest and send a text/email to friends to visit whenever possible, nice to have things like that to look forward to so you can have a shower/wash hair/do whatever's been bugging you while they watch the LOs.

Best of luck...

Mine have an 18-month gap. I would also recommend a schedule for the older child, and going outside whenever possible.
Also I kept remembering what a friend said to me "It will get easier and easier..."

I did use the TV as a BF friend but also the local library was a godsend - my dd was into books and I would look through them with her on the sofa together while feeding my ds - potty training at the same time , it does get easier and I would second to get out and about at feed times to soft play - snack places etc....HTH

My gap is 20 months and now DS1 is 29 months old and DS2 is almost 9 months old, things are a lot easier. I never thought I will see this day though. The early months almost killed me (sorry!) but there is hope, things will gradually start to get easier. Some things that help.

• One-on-one time with your DC1 - Easier to do than expected. Let your DH take your DC1 out to the park on the weekends or you take DC1 out while DH watches the baby. Very important in making DC1 feel special and we find he doesn't misbehave as much when he has had some special time with one of us.

• Ask for help - Some days I just couldn't get dressed, let alone go out of the front door! I have a good friend who would come by and take DS1 out to our usual play group if I can't do it myself. Once past the first 6 weeks, it got easier to go out with the baby. The ILs also helped by taking DS1 for the weekend now and then and he loved the special time with them.

• Let your expectations slide... Cbeebies was on 24/7 in the early days. It was shocking... The amount of TV consumption in the house has definitely gone down in the last few months as we get into a routine and I am able to take them both to certain places.

• Cleaner - We have a cleaner once a week and it was great not having to clean toilets, vacuum, mop floors etc. We were prepared to increase her hours if it came to that but just once a week made it possible to keep on top of things.

• Count off the milestones... I knew things would get massively easier once DS2 could sit up on his own and also become mobile. So I used to think to myself, just get to the stage where he can sit up. Once we got there, I mentally moved on to the next 'milestone'. DS2 now crawls and sits up but loves crawling on me! LOL. So much for some things being easier...

It will get better. Honestly. It's really hard work at first but it's nice now that they are starting to interact and also hit with each other.

marking place. Interested to read replies.
DC2 due in September. DS will be 20 months. ish!

Slightly terrified....

yep, second the 1 on 1 time when baby is sleeping, try and make sure you do something special. If you can get them to nap together as soon as possible, it will also give you a breather. The more you can integrate their routines, the better.

I used to use the early morning nap (9.30) for preparing lunch with DD, the lunch time nap for sleeping while DD was sleeping, and the afternoon one for having a special activity that DD had been pestering for.

I would also advise to try and watch your emotional temperature - both of them will take it from you. If you try and get hectic and rush them, they will whine and you will get angry. The less you plan with them, the less you'll need to usher them about, and the happier you will all be! All they really want is your attention. The thing is to keep your head about the water enough to get through this!!

Lots of hugs and yes, lean on friends as much as possible through the early weeks of up and down hormones.

More ideas...

• I collected a stack of kiddies magazines (the ones with free gifts and gazillions of stickers in them) while pregnant and they are all stashed in a box. On days we are stuck in the house due to the weather, I take one of them out as a special treat for DS1 and he happily whiles away some time destroying it doing crafts.

• Easy baking - We made a lot of cupcakes in the early days. When DS2 napped, DS1 and I would make cupcakes. Dead easy to make (you can mix and stir and put in oven within 15 minutes if need be!) and you feel like you have done something. Decorating the cupcakes whiles away more time... Play dough is another good one. You need to relax about the mess as well. I used to be so anal hate mess but with 2 young ones, it's a bit of a losing battle so just leave stuff to tidy up later.

I was a lot more easygoing with DS2. In my experience, the three-month-mark is a good one. That's when DS2 started going to bed at 7pm and you get a bit of a break in the evenings. Do what you need to survive at this stage. I used to lose my temper at DS1 quite a bit in the early days and feel bad about it but things are definitely a lot calmer these days. If you do lose your temper, don't feel too bad about it. It's hard work. They won't remember it at their age anyway.

I live in Holland, parents and all support is in the UK (though have some friends here). My sons are 15 months apart, and DS2 was premature, very sick and very small to start with. I had to work hard to get him to BF but stuck at it and he is still bf at 1 year old.

If I could manage under those circumstances, I can assure you anyone can.

My tips:

• Ensure DC1 is in a routine if poss, so both of you know what is expected of you.

• Ensure house is as baby-proof as possible, so DC1 can roam about without you having to worry too much about sudden rescues etc.

• Utilise DVDs, new (little inexpensive) toys, mags, food... drinks....

• As Angel said, you WILL sometimes feel very frustrated (DS1 loved hitting DS2's head) and that is OK.

• It does get easier after 3 months, but I really didn't find it hard before then.

HTH! And good luck.

I had 3 in 3 years - then the 3rd was very disabled from birth.

I breast-fed them all. I remember the others sitting next to me, reading with me while I fed the next one.

I accepted all offers of help from everyone! - from shopping to hanging out washing.

Your standards drop - it is impossible to expect to tidy one set of toys away before getting another crate out. Just tidy at the end of the day.

And somehow they just all got on with it.

Enjoy them and take lots of pictures.

I second (third?) much of the advice here
Cbeebies/dvd/books whilst bf - dd1's tv time went through the roof.
Lower your standards
Lots of walks; a tired toddler is a lot easier to entertain ;)
A sling was a lifesaver - gave me 2 hands for helping dd1 I wore it round the house even more than out.
Focus on using the time your newborn is asleep to give quality 1:1 time to your older child

It does get better; hang in there

Hi Eugenie, Just on to offer support and agree with other posters. DD1 was 19mo when DD2 arrived, 4 months later it is getting much easier I find. The days when DP are home seem to be the most chaotic, why is that

When possible get outside, I tend to visit lots of people, basically forcing them to help me entertain the kids!

Cbeebies/DVDS/Sticker books (This has been a particular lifesaver) for feeding times.

Keep DC1 involved. DD1 is a happy helper, but if I ask for help and she says no I just leave her to it.

When DC2 starts smiling/laughing etc tell DC1 that they were smiling at them, makes them feel good and chances are it's actually true. DD2's biggest smiles are for her sister.

Lots of play time on the floor, DD1 and I play blocks/dolls etc and DD2 is happy lying watching and is now rolling which I believe is because she is desperate to play with her sister.

Try and get a loose routine reinstated if you had one before. We are slowly getting back to a routine bath/book/bed etc but it is taking much longer than before but DD1 still knows what is expected.

Just enjoy it, let the standards slip, don't apologise to visitors for the washing/ironing everywhere. Let people do things for you if they offer.

And for DC1, plenty of time, don't force any issues, it is a huge change but he will get used to it and before long he'll not remember a time without the baby! I have 3 younger siblings and can honestly not recall a time when we weren't all there. Their bond will be incredible given time. :D

FWIW, my sister kids have a 6 year age gap and as much as they love each other I would not trade our age gaps for the world!

I have 19months between my two. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to LET the older one climb all over you when breastfeeding the newborn. Yes, it is awkward (a big chair helps), but it can be done, and then you can read to them, hug them, and make them a part of the whole thing. Evenutally, they stop doing it. That's when I introduced the Special Bag, with toys only for BF time. Included a favourite "lift the flap" book, "magic" colouring in book (you know, the pen only works on the special book), and a few other little toys purchased especially for the bag.

And it does get easier.

And congrats on new baby.

I became a routine queen! We had a schedule of groups, so there was an outing daily and both toddler then baby felt safe/recognized faces at all of them and there was always someone who could watch the baby while i took dd to the toilet etc.

I did bf with a shawl pretty much everywhere

After morning outing both kids had a nap, in fact in the early days we all did^ even if it meant all piling into my bed! Then as the baby slept more at night i used this time to do useful stuff like cook mn watch tv and clean

Congrats on the new baby and good luck

Oh and we have no rountine at all now at 2 and 4, but it really helped when they were both tiny, saved m,e actually having to think!

Thanks so much for all your replies.

I'll hot foot it to Mother Care today to get special bag of distractions for breastfeeding. I've already succombed to tactical use of one ish formula feed as they both seem to be feeding at the same time (coincidence?).

Everyone tells me that as they get older its great because the gap in development narrows and they play together.

Really appreciated. And I guess we'll be taking it day by day. My partner is lovely but is extrememly particular about mess (!) but even he is beginning to see that its wall to wall clutter and body fluids at the moment. I just try to remind him that this is what having a family is all about - at least in the first few years (4 years?).

Big thanks,
E

Yes, I found that E, I think the babies can smell the food and get hungry. Hence them always waking up to breastfeed just as your dinner arrives! In terms of the mess you need a few baskets to shove the clutter into (with lids). No more trying to find all the pieces of each toy with #2. And a cleaner!