Motherhood and Personal Development

[Mammie81]

I am one of the last of my group of friends to become pregnant, and of course, motherhood drastically changes your life, I totally understand. But Ive noticed that its affected them differently, mostly splitting them into two camps. The 'Im a Mum now' camp or 'The Same Person as before but with a Baby' camp .

The ones that see themselves primarily as 'Mothers' are very full of cliches, and rarely go out unless its with other mums. They also seem distainful of anything 'non baby' related, like my university course or any of the events we go to, birthday parties we organise etc. They just dont seem to want to talk or listen to much that isnt to do with children or their development. And I often feel that when telling them how my pregnancy is going, they are thinking 'Oh MINE wasnt like THAT!'

The other girls are still themselves. Just with a baby. They've given me frank advice, they've helped me find places to buy fashionable clothes that fit, they still do everything they did before (mostly), and they definately are less neurotic about their little ones.

How do I know if I can still keep part of myself 'ME' when the baby comes? Does anyone feel themselves drifting towards smug mummy and have to pull themselves back? Is this even a conscious thing?

Sorry, long and philosophical, but I really do want to continue enriching both mine, and the baby's life when he comes. Im not saying that either way is better, just that Id prefer not to be so 'baby orientated' that I start to reject other fulfilling parts of life.

Any discussion is welcome!

it's interesting that you see such a clear divide amongst your friends- I would have thought there's more of a sliding scale?

I would say, some people find it easier to maintain their 'old' life than others and it depends both on their personality AND the type of baby you get! some babies are just not very easy to tote around and fit in to an adult lifestyle - and you might just make yourself miserable trying. Also, being knackered can really change your priorities! Some people see the small baby and child stage as something do get through and then intend to rediscover their own interests, the danger being that they never do...

but, like most things if it's a high priority to you to do things for your own 'PD' after the baby you will find a way, just be kind to yourself and don't expect to fit in too much.

I have DS1 who is 2.5 and DS2 who is 6 months old. I found with both of them that I pretty much became as you describe ( although I don't think I would describe myself as smug!)and very home focused, inward looking for the first few months. My main focus was on all things my baby, my family and my home. Now that DS2 is 6 months I have found myself thinking more about me and things outside the house, new hobbies, old friends etc etc
I was aware of what was happening and spoke to other friends who had found the same thing happening to them but reassured me that my focus would change in time - which it has.
I read a really useful book a few months back which helped me understand some of the huge psychological changes that I went through when I had DS1 and to some extent DS2. Its called What Mothers Do and you may or may not find it interesting.
good luck

I think the fact that you are aware of this will probably be enough to see you through!

Thanks for that! I'll definately look up the book!

I dont think that its that I dont want to become baby focused once he's here. I do. I just think finding a good balance would be best for us both and Im really hoping that I can find a way to do it! Ideally Id like a mixture of both that suits him as well as me. I think having an independant mum can only help him. I'd just like to be able to keep that view once the sleepless nights and breastfeeding kick in!

Perhaps because there is such a clear divide amongst my friends, it has made it rather black and white.

To be honest I found it quite hard to imagine how I would be once the baby arrived and didn't really have any set ideas. I have found that my baby focusedness ( if that is a word)has changed over time. Both of my boys have been excl BF and I do think that makes a difference. Although I have probably made it harder on myself by not being fagged to express any milk !
I think you will find lots of useful people to talk through on here and you may be surprised at how you feel once the baby arrives.

Like others have said I think it's good you're considering all this before your baby is born, but I would also advise you just to wait and see how you feel once he is here.

I probably fell into the first group, I was so into being a mum and felt very sorry for my mum friends who had to go back to work when their babies were small. I'm sure they didn't see it that way though. However a few of them did plan to go back to work but then once their baby arrived they changed their minds almost immediately, unless they had no choice about it of course.

Looking back I suspect I was a bit boring really. But it is an all-consuming time of life, and to be honest I had little time or energy for other interests.

Now my dcs are 4, 7 and 9 and I have been gradually reclaiming old interests and plan to work again once my youngest starts school after the summer. I've gradually come to realise that being a mum isn't everything for me the way it was a few years ago, my dcs still need me, but in a different way, and I think I would be a better mum to them if I had some of my own life now.

Just do what feels right for you. Good luck.

Thanks again!

Baby is due in Dec and I hope to be back at uni (I only go part time, and would probably chooose modules that meant I was only out for 2 nights) by October next year. Then of course I start work again (BOO!) in November. I do hope this is do-able and Im not setting my sights too high! Like you all say, I will probably feel so differently once hes here!

I was actually quite envious of those MUms who became entirely babycentric - they seemed to be soooo happy.
You can't a price on that sort of contentment.

When it's all new it's natural to be totally focussed on it, especially with your first baby. When the 'novelty wears off' or you have more than one, the children are more part of your life rather than the whole of your life.

At first glance it might seem like if you aren't totally focussed on your children you don't love them as much but I think it is healthy for the children to see that other people have needs and wants too and that people need to learn how to give and take so that everyone can have a bit of what they want.

I was overfocussed on my first child and she has turned out quite spoilt, but less focussed on my second and he is more self sufficient. DD is getting better now that they are left to find their own things to do sometimes as well as doing set activities with me and DH.

Muddy speaks a lot of sense..

I too dont believe that being totally engrossed by your child to the exclusion of others means you love them more than someone else loves their child.

I dont think I would even measure love or happiness in that kind of way. But some women do. The friends I have who are baby cented often run down the others who they think arent as caring as they are.

Muddy, you DO speak a lot of sense! And I do feel better knowing that not all mothers turn out quite like some of my friends have. I do hope I'll get some of the 'old' friend back when theirs are older or when my son is born and I join their 'gang', but I think more than likely I will be judged if I go out of an evening or spend my spare cash on a treat for me instead of baby!