Any tips for sibling harmony?

[fadingfast]

We are at a stage where DS (5) and DD (2) are constantly bickering. DD wants to join in with DS, DS has only limited patience and then gets cross with her. She starts hitting him, he starts whinging etc etc

I know a lot of this is completely normal, but it is just so WEARING. Other than trying to be even-handed and giving them both equal attention, how can I help smooth things over? I don't feel that I'm dealing with it very well and would hate to be the cause of any long-term sibling rivalries.

Have you read 'Sibling Rivalry'. There's some very sound advice in there.

have no idea BUT i completely understand - my DS are 4 & 3 and then the 9 yr old joins in

I try and separate them if i think they are in danger of bickering or switch off until they draw blood.

First thing is to accept that you cannot take rsponsibility for their relationship. You cannot prevent all fighting and you cannot make thm like each other. What you can do is guide them towards a harmonious relationship, protect them so that neither feels bullied by the other, and show them that you love each of them - not equally but individually.

5 and 2 is a difficult mix. The 5yo is at the rule-obsessed stage, whereas the 2yo is at the muscle-flexing "ooo look, I can make this happen" stage.

Never reward the disruptive or aggressive one by fussing over them or taking them away with you.

Discourage tale-bearing. If X comes along saying "Y did such-and-such" try responding with something like "I want to know what you do".

Never compare them to each other, neither positively nor negatively.

Try not to be scrupulously fair. They don't always have to get the same things at thr same time, nor does one have to get anything to makd up for the other getting something. The one who doesn't get something may need an extra cuddle or a tickle so they know they are not forgotten. If they see that they are given things appropriately they will learn to understand that they are loved individually, whereas if they are given things because the other is given things then they are being loved equally, which diminishes the love each gets and turns it into acompetition.

Not sure if I'm being clear but I've got a 3yo climbing all over me trying to get his individual attention!

Do they have sugar free stuff (with the evil aspartame in it)? Also occasionally in other things, I am sure ordinary R Whites lemonade has it in.

Honestly I cut it out and the difference is ing. They even check ingredients for the stuff themselves now and there has been a massive improvement in our lives. I made sure I cut it out as well.

I've heard of the 'Sibling Rivalry' book but not read it - so perhaps it's time to get hold of a copy.

PrettyCandles - I think you are spot on with the observation that 5yo DS is at the rule-obsessed stage, and DD knows all the buttons to press, literally and metaphorically! DS is ALWAYS telling tales and I feel as though I am endlessly trying to explain to him that she is still learning how to behave and that it is up to us to teach her properly (ie rather than retaliating). I also try to get him on side by saying things like 'ooh isn't she being noisy/annoying/difficult today', which I suspect is all wrong. Sometimes I just want to keep them in separate rooms!

Mittz - not sure that you have the right thread??

No fading.. My DC's bickered and squabbled constantly, and about 3 or 4 months ago I cut out anything with Aspartame in it, the difference is remarkable.

Lots of people use the sugar free stuff and it is deadly.. diet drinks etc... there is a thread about it. It causes mood swings and behaviour problems.. when that reduced the bickering reduced massively also....

Aspartame is the work of the devil. My friend used to get serious migraines on a regular basis and I suggested she cut out artifical sweeteners - she was v sceptical but mentioned it to her GP who agreed with me! Result? - far far fewer migraines. You'd be surprised how significant a part aspartame could be playing in your children's behaviour, particularly as so many parents choose sugar-free because they think it's healthier.

Ooops sorry Mittz - didn't get it .

I totally agree that sweeteners are the work of the devil and we never have diet drinks in the house - I would far rather have a bit of good old sugar than all that crap!

I don't think it can be the cause of the squabbling though, as I don't think they ever have it.

Sometimes you have to let them work it through for themselves (only interfering if they are actually about to hurt each other), but I think that at this stage your intervention is more necessary.

When my youngest, ds2, was very little, he used to switch off the TV whenever ds1 and dd were watching. I told them not to shout at him, not to respond in any way, just to quietly switch on again. If he persisted, or tried to stop them switching on, then they were to come and get me quietly - no shouting or calling for me.

I would then come and quietly switch on and either seat ds2 back on the sofa and leave, or take him out of the room and leave him with a toy in another room.

I explained to ds1 and dd that he didn't know about naughtiness yet, and didn't understand that he could upset people. That all he wanted was to get an interesting reaction, so if he never got an interesting reaction he would eventually give up. I also explained it from the other direction: that if they kept yelping and making a fuss, they guaranteed he would continue switching off when they were watching.

It worked. Took a few weeks. And because they saw that it worked they were able to put the effort into similar non-reaction when ds2 invaded in other ways. They were about 7 and 5 at the time.

No artificial sweeteners in this house and we still have fights and bickering!

Be very careful about labelling your younger DD as annoying or naughty to empathise with your DS. Better to empathise by saying it is annoying having someone interrupt what we are doing. I really recommend the Sibling Rivalry book.

I do sometimes put them in separate rooms if they aren't getting on. They are 7 and 5 and I give them a chance to work it out themselves (which after years of practise they have got pretty good at) but if I have had to intervene several times, I insist they separate. They are old enough to keep to this but when DD was younger, I would take her away to 'help'me "Lets go and water the garden so that DS can finish his Lego tower' or whatever.

I will definitely get the book then.

PrettyCandles - we have that situation with the TV quite often, so I will try to persuade DS not to react. I can see how that would work, just not sure I will be able to convince him, or that he will remember not to shout! He gets so irate with her!

Thanks for all your wise words.

Have them share the same bed. We graduated from co-sleeping to both dcs sleeping together. Dd and ds are very close.

Fadingfast, remember to praise him whenever he copes with his sister's actions in a calm way.

Does he have a special place for his special things? Somewhere protected from her. And does he get one-to-one time with you? I think these are very important to help minimise resentment. It is very difficult to tolerate someone if you resent them.

I do try to praise him and at times he can be very patient with her. He retreats from time to time to his room to have uninterrupted lego-time, but he's not a boy who likes to be on his own much.

I'm working on the one-to-one thing, but not very successfully

Sorry blueshoes but I can't see bed sharing working at all.

How about during her naps?

Sorry have been ill and not logged in.

Yes I do try during naps, but they are very short these days and I'm terrible for getting distracted by everything else that needs doing that I can't do very easily when she's awake.

The thing that really bothers me at the moment is that it is very hard to find anything that we can do all together, and we seem to spend lots of time at the weekends following the 'divide and conquer' method, ie dh does something with ds while I look after dd, or (rarely) vice versa. We never seem to be able to do things all together these days. I keep thinking it's just a phase, but it feels like a very long one!!

Hope you're feeling better now.

Yes, I know what you mean about not being able to do things together, and about divide-and-rule.

BTW, d-and-r works better if you often do it the other way around: mum takes baby, and dad takes elder dc. It's not the instinctive way to do it, but it is what your ds needs and is missing: mum's undivided attention.

And please please please don't get hung up on housework. Your rest, and your relationship with ds, are far more important.