Constant whinging and tantrums leaving me drained, exhausted and feeling like a useless parent

[FreakoidOrganisoid]

Seriously from the minute they wake up (I'm hungry, I want a drink, I'm still tired...) to the minute they finally go to sleep (I don't want to go to bed, I want to watch Dora, I need a drink...) all I hear from my two is incessant whining.

I don't give in to "I want", if they want something they have to ask nicely for it but still they whinge and whinge and trying to get them to ask nicely leads to them throwing themselves on the floor screaming and hitting and kicking me.

DD is now 4,and never really had tantrums as a toddler; I'm guessing she has picked this up from seeing ds (2) doing it.

A large part of the problem must be tiredness, because they just aren't going to bed but short of drugging them and tying them to their beds I'm not sure what I can do. I put them to bed at a reasonable time and then spend the entire evening up and down stairs putting them back in bed, remaking torn apart beds, stopping thm from jumping on beds, stopping ds from throwing stuff around, breaking up fights....I get more and more irate and end up yelling at them.

It has got to the point where I dread doing anything with them because I know it will incur whining and tantrums and that makes me really sad because I should enjoy being with them not dread taking them anywhere. We went on a trip with preschool on Monday and dd had a tantrum because she wanted to go on the play equipment first not see the animals, then whined her way around because the sun was in her eyes, she wanted icecream, she wanted a drink, no she didn't want water she wanted juice, no not a carton of juice juice like Holly's etc etc. Then a tantrum because she didn't want to see the tigers. Then another because she didn't want to move on from the tigers...

I get sick of the sound of my own voice telling them to stop fighting, stop throwing stuff, ask nicely if you want a drink etc etc so it's no surprise they don't listen to me, they've probably tuned me out tbh.

They haven't always been like this, in fact I have always been complimented on how happy and well behaved they are (dd in particular) so it leaves me thinking I must have massively fucked up somewhere along the way.

The two main issues I need help with I suppose are:

1. How to stop the whining
2. How to deal with bad behaviour such as throwing/fighting/not sitting at the table/not going to bed etc in a more effective way.

(I should also mention that H and I split up at the end of last year so I am now a single parent and this will have had some effect on their behaviour)

Please help!!

Oh its a nightmare isn't it? Mine are now 5 and 7 and much more easy going (well the 7yo is). I think 4 and 2 were the hardest ages.

I don't really have any helpful advice except that it is normal behaviour and not your fault and they will grow out of it.

Good luck.

Freak - don't be so hard on yourself, you have not fucked up!!

Right, my thoughts:

• the split will have had an effect, it will wear off over time
• they are mostly being normal kids and it will improve regardless of what you do, so sit back and breathe (DS is prob interfering with DD's stuff right? so she gets cross with him, previously he was just a baby not worth fighting with)
• try and be consistent with them (and tbh i think that reaching shouting point is being consistent in its own way, they need to know they've overstepped the line)
• esp re going out - set up a star chart for both (even if DS doesn't totally understand, DD will 'help' him) for whatever rewards, a star each for being good, an extra star for being kind to each other, etc.

Good for at home time too.

Does any of that help at all?

Freak I have no advice, just sympathy.

DS can be whiney, and we generally find it's due to boredom, or just being very familiar with the setting/people/toys or whatever. Days when we're at home and I need to get jobs done are the worst, he wants more attention than he's getting and consequently plays up.

Okay what is their bedtime routine?

think you need to start winding them down, and preempt the getting out of bed for a drink etc,

so dinner, could you take them to the park for a play,
then small frink and a biscuit as a treat for being good at the park,
then home get them to get their jammies out,
and pick a book,
then pop them in the bath
then out jammies
and then book

sometimes this seems like hard work every night but once you have established it you don't need to bath them every night, the park could be replaced with a different activity

explain each step, tell them how you expect them to behave and consequences if they don't behave that way

maybe try a sticker chart for a week

Thanks everyone

At the moment bedtime is

Dinner (usually at 6/6.30)
They play in garden while I wash up/get kitchen straight
Then we tidy toys etc (and dc have tantrums)
Then either last few mins of cbeebies or dora episode - don't always do this bit only if they ask and have tidied well
Then bath/teeth (+tantrum over washing)
Then tantrum over getting out of bath
Then story - am trying to do better at doing this every night (I read to them through day but not so much at night, the bathtime tantrums have usually killed me by then)
Then tucked into bed

Then up and down x a million

Oh, sticker charts...have never worked before, they just don't seem to care about them. Could try again

No you haven't fucked up at all! Kids this age are really exhausting and being a single parent must be even more hard work. I found this stage so draining especially on the nights my H wasn't home at storytime to take over.

TBH it could all be explained by lack of sleep. Even half an hour or so less than usual can cause problems in some kids. So maybe a big focus on this for next few nights and you'll get through this to happy kids again.

Have you thought about bringing tea earlier so you're not rushing the tidy up/ bathtime? Maybe tea earlier, then leisurely tidy/ play/ bath / stories. Could you skip tv after tea then after bath try settling your youngest into bed on her own, leaving elder one having half hour of tv on own- treat for being big helpful boy etc.

Then you could use the half hour to read story, tuck into bed and say you'll be pottering around upstairs until DS goes to sleep. But if she gets out of bed you'll be cross. Maybe even a treat next day if she stays in bed-I "reward" my youngest to stay in bed by saying all the time he stays in his bed, I will stay upstairs doing laundry/tidying but if he gets out of bed I will not stay upstairs. Maybe settling them separately sounds like hard work but might be easier in the long run if they get to sleep at a good time and then are easier in the day.

Sorry I got confused about DS and DD and which was which! Anyway you'll get the just of what I was trying to say.

I would try feeding them a little earlier if you can more like 5.15-5.30pm and see if that helps sound like they could be overtired and hungry still because they haven't actually benefitted yet from eating the meal IYSWIM

I was told at sleep clinic to put a baby gate on the door and if they are in different rooms and safe to not go up all the time.

I think it was because they are looking for your attention and this stops that. Do you have a sleep clinic with your health visitors ?

I found it really helpful, I'm a single mum and was suffering the same as you, its really not easy but once the bedtime settled down things got a lot better

My DS used to stand at the top of the stairs crying daddy for ages Was really hard, but once I sorted his bedtime his behaviour during the day got a lot better.

There is a great book called "Siblings without rivalry" which is very helpful if the kids are fighting each other a lot or seem jealous of each other.

Hey there! Of course you are absolutely doing a fab job with them but what you describe is enough to try the patience of a saint.
FWIW my 2 golden rules are (1) consistency is king - never ever say one thing and do another, always think ahead before you say "if you do that I will/you can..." [substitute as appropriate]. It can be really hard but it pays huge dividends and the plus is that DD is one of the most honest children I know because she knows that if I say something I'm telling the truth; and (2) Chill. By which I mostly mean taking a big breath and picking your fights carefully.
You might find this guy's philosophy useful. He's a child psychologist. I have no idea whether you can get his books in the UK but he has quite a popular "no nonsense parenting" TV show here.
www.goldfishwisdom.co.nz/?t=14
I see on the website he's currently researching a new book and looking for people to email him with their issues!! www.goldfishwisdom.co.nz/?t=32

Thanks for the new responses.

Lovestowalk I do think a lot of it is sleep related. As it stands dd needs 11/12 hours of sleep and ds only needs 9/10 so I did used to put dd to bed first and then put ds to bed once she was asleep. Then dd started compaining that ds was up later and refusing to go to sleep...So then I compromised and made bedtime half an hour later for dd and half an hour earlier for ds so that they were both going to bed at the same time. Worked for a while but not any more. Might have to go back to dd going to bed first and explain to dd that it is because she doesn't go to sleep when ds goes to bed at the same time.

Cargirl (and lovestowalk again)I tried feeding them at 5/5.30 for a while but I found it really hard, felt like I was always rushing when we got in from things to get dinner on the table, plus they just didn't want to sit down and eat at that time which they mostly do now. At the moment dinner time is usually ok, then they play nicely for a bit afterwards. I do see what you are saying about them being overtired and not having benefitted by the food though but with an earlier mealtime the tantrums were often worse because they would have messed around at dinner time and barely eaten at all.

Sorry I feel like I'm being obstructive now - honestly I'm not trying to dismiss suggestions and I really do want help!

Prettywhiteguitar if only they did have seperate rooms! Think ds is definitely after attention especially when he throws all his bedding on the floor/upends his bed. he will call me and I'll tell him to go to bed, then he says "but my bed's ruined" knowing that I'll have to go up and sort it.

Will have a look at the book and website mentioned thanks. And please keep the suggestions coming, I won't poopoo everything!