Stopping Mum swearing at our daughter

[DespairingDad]

Mum's tell me how do you stop a Mum swearing a) in general but b) more sadly at our daughter when she does something my wife does not like - it does not even have to be something wrong! I hate even the fact she tells our daughter to shut up. Then why I try to intervene she simply tells me to shut up as well. This has been going on now for 2 years and is getting worse. My wife's preferred swear word of choice is any derivative of the F word! I really am despairng. Is the behaviour at all normal or reasonable / acceptable? could this be classed as child abuse that social services could help or hinder with . Any ideas thoughts appreciated. I tell you I have tried and got no where.

Not normal, reasonable or acceptable.

I hope you manage to get help with this - you don't say how old your daughter is but being subject to verbal abuse (which is what this is if it includes telling her to shut up regularly as well as swearing) would have a negative effect on any child.

Was your wife brought up this way herself? If this is the behaviour she was modelled when growing up it's not surprising she's repeating it, although people frequently break out of bad patterns of behaviour and there's no reason she can't.

She needs to acknowledge that this is wrong, as only then will she be motivated to change.

I'm sure wise MNers will give you more specific advice as to how to go about this. Good luck.

Sorry yes I should have said my dauhter is only 5 1/2 !!!!

Totally unacceptable and potentially damaging of your DD's self esteem. I'm sorry I have no specific advice, but even constantly saying "Shut up" is wrong too. Poor little girl and poor you. Do you live with her mum (I'm assuming not?). Could you talk to one of her teachers or someone at Sure Start?

Sorry, just seen that she's your wife so of course you live with her. Gosh, this is hard. If my DH was swearing like this and telling my DD to shut up, I would be heartbroken. Does your DW need someone to talk to about anger management?

What is Sure Start - but I guess I can google that. My DW has other issues that I think are generally related. I believe she is sufferer from OCD of which she is in denial. So any action of my daughter that goes against her OCD beliefs are real targets of grief such as getting clothes messy, doing anything in the house before being stripped and having a bath . This also pretty much applies to me but at least I can resist to a certain extent.

I have mentioned the OCD aspect to GP and School in case they notice unusual behaviour with DD but I cannot get through to wife.

At what point would this become an issue the social services intervened. Obviously thought terrifies me but at the same time I also want the best for DD and maybe formal intervention may result in change in wife behaviour.

Does she get any help with the OCD?
I'm sorry, I'm not sure how that would work - therapy I'd guess?
I think you should keep this thread going until someone experienced in these matters sees it.

This is a very random and probably total impractical suggestion, but is there any way you could video your wife's behaviour when she berates your daughter?

I know this seems strange, but given her OCD issues is seems as if she cannot control her impulses terribly well, and perhaps seeing herself on screen, talking to your daughter in such an appalling way may help her to realise the damage she is doing.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, to be honest this is abusive behaviour and you do need to come up with a strategy to cope otherwise it will just escalate. Your poor little girl.

As you say, a formal intervention may be what is needed, and I think you need to seek professional advice on this. If your wife has been diagnosed with OCD, does she see someone to help her manage it?

You must take action however, if my DH spoke to our DD like this I'm afraid to say I'd leave him, and restrict access to our daughter until he learnt to manage his behaviour.

I'm so sorry once again. Please give your little girl extra hugs, it must be bewildering for her to be spoken to like that by her mum.

She needs help. I have to say that I agree with Rycie. If my husband constantly swore at our children, and told them to shut up, and I had tried and tried to get him to stop but he wouldn't, I would take the kids and go! I too feel it is abusive.

I think you owe it to your child - and to your wife - to get her some help. If there is a possibility she has a mental health problem then you need to make sure she gets the help she needs.

But at the end of the day, if she won't, then the time will come when you may need to make a hard decision.

Your daughter and her welfare is your first priority. Please think about what you need to do to keep HER safe. She's only five and it would be tragic if this abusive behaviour adversely affects her self esteem and confidence. At least ONE of her guardians/parents needs to take ownership of the situation and take decisive action. That must be YOU. As others have said, if this were my DH I would have taken my DD and myself to live with my parents or in-laws or other safe space and then tried to ensure my DH sought help.