I feel like a terrible mother

[Liskey]

I look at my little girl and wonder if I love her. I don't feel as if I've got any connection with her which sounds awful. She was born via emergency c-sectionat 36 weeks after i got pre-ecampsia and looks exactly like my husband. I feel permentely worried about her (lack of weight gain for which we've finally got a referral to hospital for) She eats so little and is so uninterested in food - i've recently started weaning her as she's 7 months old. I've even forced her bottle in her mouth sometimes to try and get her to eat more - even as i type that I've started to cry its so awful.

you are a brilliant mother!
the fact that you worry, is a sign that she is really important to you.
try not to worry too much, when starting weaning babies sometimes eat next to nothing. dd is 7 months now and all she eats is a teaspoon full at most (blw). the referral will hopefully put you mind at rest.

How long have you felt like this and have you spoken to anyone you trust in rl?
It can be really hard to say you find it hard to know if you love your children enough without the fear of being judged. Is there anyone you can open up with and cry on their shoulder?

Don't have much advice and sure someone who is better equipped to answer you will come along soon but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Being a parent is stressful, nobody prepares you for the constant worry...everything is a worry.

It sounds to me like you are a great mum - you are worried about your daughter, we all do things sometimes out of desparation to make things better, you haven't hurt your daughter and persuing things to the point of getting GP/HCP to make a referral sounds like you are doing the best that you possibly can.

Becoming a mum is an overwhelming experience and couple this with the overwhelming tiredness that comes with it and sometimes it is difficult to make sense of your emotions. Have you tried talking to your HV about how you feel - from experince I believe that they will only want to offer support. Sometimes, it's good to talk to someone in confidence about your feelings - it can help put things in perspective, do you have a friend in RL who might be able to listen.

My DS and DD both only looked like their dad and bore no resemblance to me or my side of the family until DS reached about 1 - DD is 9 months now and still doesn't have any of my features.

There are also options for discussions with counsellors who might be able to help.

I'm sure you're doing a great job, don't lose faith in yourself, you're doing a really tough job and there are people out there to support you. Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself.

Liskey have you seen your gp or hv about how you feel? You sound very upset - can you talk to a friend immediately? is your mum a good listener?

You have had and are still having a very very tough time - traumatic birth, worrying baby. It's natural to be overwhelmed and upset. You need to look after yourself and you need and deserve extra support - it's not just about dd. Ask for some help for yourself; you deserve it.

Thanks for the messages - I've spoken a bit to DHwho's trying to understand - he also suggested I post on here. I can't speak to my HV as I can't stand the woman. GP thought I had depression earlier but I started feeling better so didn't take the prozac offered. I don't feel as depressed as I did but I just feel so tense all the time. She is a lovely little girl but She's so hard work - constantly awake and trying to move. Its usually at 4 or 5 am I feel at my lowest point - DD still needs a night feed as she's only just reached 12lb.

Oh Liskey, I think I used to feel like this when DS was small. He was ECS too, whisked off to special care before I could even touch him, problems with feeding, weight loss etc. I worried that I didn't really feel the same way about him as I had felt about my bump.

I worried so much about what he ate, I drove myself insane. Eventually, like mousymouse has said, I realised that all he really needed for those first 12 months was enough milk and anything he tasted beyond that was a bonus.

Eventually I went to see my GP because I realised I wasn't coping, but I was so scared incase they thought I didn't love him, of course they were wonderful and helped me through that difficult time.

Of course you're a good mum, it's because you care so much that you're putting yourself through all of this.

It will get better and you'll be able to enjoy your little girl. Hopefully you'll get some reassurance from the referral.

Are you getting any support? I had to force myself to go to a baby and toddler group (hated that people might judge me as a bad mum) but it helped me to see that I was just the same as everyone else, instead of just staying home and beating myself up for all the things I didn't do perfectly.

Do you have any close mum friends with children who might understand or feed you tea and hugs while you say how worried you are? It mght help. Please think about going back to your GP as well.

FWIW, my DD sounds a bit like yours - never really prepared to eat, I felt like I was forcing food in etc. She's still a tiny little thing - 3yo and weighing 24lb. At about 10 months the food suddenly clicked and she started eating much more happily although in sparrow like proportions. I know its easy to say but hang in there, it does get better.

Oh bless!

Go back and have another chat with you GP.

You haven't bonded with your DD yet, but you will, one day, I promise.

If you weren't a good mum, you wouldn't be worrying about her, so no more of this terrible mother talk!

My god that sounds so much like me. I found it so stressful and hard in the beginning. I don't think I had PND but I certainly didn't feel this joyous glow that other mothers reported for their newborn. I felt like there was something wrong with me for sooooo long, he'd take 45 minutes to finish a bottle and then clamp his mouth shut when we moved to solids. We got referred as well, but it wasn't until I learned to relax a little that he really started eating. In fact my husband had more luck in the feeding stakes than I did!

I still find it very stressful(and like you I didn't like my health visitor who told me what to do rather than listened to me) but what did happen is that I spoke to other Mums at our mother and baby group and found some of them admitted similiar feelings. I posted on another group for a while and found other Mums with similar situations, and so I finally realized I really wasn't alone. So you must know that you're not alone in this and that there isn't anything wrong with you at all.

Loads of stuff changed when my son started interacting with me, and looking to me for cuddles and kisses and even though his first word was Dad, when he worked out how to say Mum mum mum mum, my heart didn't melt but it was certainly on its way....

Hang in there, it doesn't have to happen at the beginning, it doesn't have to happen to anyone elses timetable but your own. Try not to judge yourself on others. You're probably really tired and exhausted as well which makes really hard!

Keep seeing your GP when you think you need someone else to talk to (I was embarrased at first but she was great) but know that you're a good Mum already, if you weren't you wouldn't have made it through these 7 months already!

xx

Great post, tedebear!

Thanks for the lovely messages - its reassuring to know I'm not the only Mum who feels like this. My sister has been staying and I've talked to her and to DH again.

DD has never eaten much milk - I'm not worried about how much food she has - she just hasn't much of an appetite for milk. Worst weigh in ever recently when she'd put on 2ozs in 2 weeks - i came home and cried after that and that's probably when I started really stressing again.

DS never really drank milk. He was BF, then ate a lot of natural yoghurt.

I stopped taking him to be weighed when he was 9m, as he wasn't really putting on any weight.

The HV gasping "What are you feeding him?, while having a face like this really wasn't helpful.

He is still skinny at 7,and still doesn't eat much, but I know he's built like my dad, so try not to worry.

If she seems to be happy in herself,and is sleeping OK, then maybe have her weighed less often?

I take her to be weighed every 2 weeks as HV was very keen to check she didn't falloff the 0.4 percentile which she's just about on. She's a very happy baby who doesn't nap much in the day as she wants to see whats going on all the time - she sleeps well I think at night - down by 19.00 then dreamfeed at 23.00 and then sleeps through till 4 or 5 and occasionally 6.

So what would the HV do if she did fall off the 0.4 centile? You already have a referral to the hospital, so I'd say avoid the HV if she is making you feel worse. (I bought some Tefal baby scales so I never needed to see my HV to have my baby weighed)

Does your DD not look like you expected her to?

My DD looks exactly like my DH, and to be honest I didn't find her pretty at first. My DSs were little stunners from day one, which didn't help. I hadn't expected spiky black hair ans sticky out ears!

Have you had councilling regarding the birth? What you've been through was probably quite traumatic (not had a c-section myself), but I can imagine it could leave it's mark on you mentally.

Thanks Lynette - I feel a lot of the time a lack of connection to my daughter - sounds daft I know but I woke up from general anesthetic and she was there and she looks so much like DH and nothing like me - I know that sounds so stupid and honestly I'd prefer she looked like Dh (he's gorgeous) but I feel like she's not got anything to do with me.

I've not had any counselling for the birth - though I know I should try and find some. I know the way i think about the scar isn't healthy (I hate it - i feel like I've been torn apart by it) andd I hate my body now because of it. I try and avoid looking at myself and me and Dh have argued about me avoiding him seeing me naked. I always thought I'd want more than 1 child but now I don't want anymore and have had the mirena implant because I was so scared about getting pregnant again - I couldn't go through another pregnancy again.

Sorry for rambling in last post - I'd had a glass of wine on Sat night and it went straight to my head.

Oh Liskey, you have brought a lump to my throat. You are a fab mother (just asking for advice as you have done shows that) and in time you'll come to love your daughter. But you poor thing - you've been through so much and you need sound, friendly, warm professional help to get you through.

I have about 6 GPs at my practice but I only find one of them approachable, sympathetic and kind, and only ever see her. Could you see a different GP who will listen to you and take your concerns seriously? There are lots of organisations out there who maybe able to help you (e.g. www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/whoarewe.htm or www.attt.co.uk/PostNatal.html), depending on your area etc.

I didn't find your last post rambling - just honest. You've got a lot on your plate and I hope you can find the help you and your gorgeous baby girl deserve.

Sending you big hugs.

Liskey, you are doing so well. It's hard to bond with your baby, especially when you expected to fall in love straight away but you feel different to what you expect.

My sister had an emergency section and found it very hard to bond with her DS1. He is 7 now, and they couldnt be closer, but I think that it took her at least a year to bond. I remember that she found it distressing that other people held him, dressed him, changed him and fed him while she was still coming round from the anasthetic. It's understandable that you dont feel able to contemplate another pregnancy,this may change in time but right now yoou have to do what's right for you.

With regards to what you say about your body, I think this is true of many new mums. Things dont look the same and you dont want to be seen naked,I barely wanted to be seen dressed! Again, this changes over time.I had forceps deliveries with DC1 & 2, I felt that my body had let me down and felt angry that I was saggy and fat but still hadnt been able to have a 'good' birth.

Be kind to yourself, ask for help, if you dont feel comfortable with your HV ask for a different one (or ask DH to do so). You can go to a different clinic or your GP for weighing if this would be better.

Finally, my DC2 (DD1) was a scrawny, whingy baby who nearly fell off the 0.4 centile at 6 mnths and didnt put on weight for weeks at a time. I feel sad now that I wasted so much time worrying and worrying about her. I spent so much time trying to ram cream and butter down her throat when she just didnt want it. When she was about a year a different HV covered our clinic and looked
at DD crawling around and climbing the table leg. HV pointed out that not much wrong with DD if she had the energy to do that. Just a lucky little person with a fast metabolism.

I am watching my DC in the garden while on here. DD1 is 3 now, and has just climbed the willow tree in the garden. She is still whippet thin, although she has now grown into her features and is gorgeous (while I think so). I couldnt possibly love her more, yet for those months of stress all I thought about was what she weighed and what a shitty mother I must have been because she didnt put on weight. Give yourself a break, both you and your DD will get there x

Hi Liskey

Another poster here who you have brought a tear to the eye to. Please hang in and keep working at it. There are a few things you have said that I really empathise with. My DD looks nothing like me at all. I really thought she would and found myself staring at this little stranger for ages wondering how she could be mine. It also took months before I could happily accept I was a mum. I felt stupid saying it and very self-conscious.

It wasn't the thunderbolt of love you read about in all the baby books and mags, but over time that I did fall in love with her and I think it started to happen when she was able to interact and communicate with me, probably around 12 months. Now, age 24 months, she flings her arms around my neck and tells me she loves me and I could just melt. I only tell you that to reassure you you can get there too.

Sometimes when people say to me now that she looks nothing like me I still feel terribly hurt, which is really silly but I can't stop it. But now she is displaying so much character I can see what she doesn't have of my appearance she makes up for in personality- having my independence and determination much to DP's annoyance!

As other posters have said, a terrible mother wouldn't care and wouldn't post. You sound like you care dearly and I'm sure when you find a way to cope with all these new feelings of anxiety and pressure, which nothing pre-baby can prepare you for, you will start to enjoy your DD.

Ps I have just had a nose at your profile. She is lovely and that is a beautiful name. Good luck x

Thanks for those messages - they've really helped. She's a real live wire constantly trying to crawl - though she's not quite there yet which is where she probably uses up all the calories.

Thansk Lucy - she is lovely and is just getting prettier in my opinion - i may be slightly biased of course. I do care I just feel constantly anxious I think I have to find a way of dealing with those feelings.

Just an update - saw paedtrician (soory sp) yesterday - who's not particalarly concerned about her weight - though she does weigh what an average 4 month old does. He is however concerend about her height - at the moment she's not on course to fulfill her genetic potential for height - that gives me something I'd never even thought about to worry about now.

Just back from dietician - she's charted DD and she is falling off 0.4percentile line. She says she's not too concerned but is asking GP to prescribe high calorie formula for her. DD does eat enough for her weight but as she was early she's not eating enough to catch up effectively.