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Rant - other peoples chidren

22 replies

Tumblemum · 21/08/2005 19:41

A friend of mine's child who is older that ds perpetually torments ds. Whatever he is playing with she takes it off him, pushes him off trikes etc..., if he goes and does something else she will remove that, the purpose of her behaviour i think is to cause distress and obtain attention. He cannot really do much about it as is smaller and she has about six months on him.
My friend does nothing and just lets her get on with it, meantime ds constantly bursting into tears in response to each onslaught, last time we met up there were about 20 incidents found it so wearing . I usually intervene and comfort ds but get increasingly ratty because of the mothers laissez faire attitude. The final straw for me was when ds was trotting happily around with his party bag looped over his arm and the other child just tore the plastic bag off his arm. Mother was watching and I think I sure I saw her laughing, but cannot be sure. In the end we left and I resisited the urge to scream at the mother to control her child.
What should I do, avoid this family , situation is sad as consider this woman a good friend. It is always laid at ds's door as being neurotic and her child being a normal child but don't think he is, nursery say what a well balanced outgoing cheerful child he is and he always has a real riot of fun with other children. whose mothers' like me will not tolerate behaviour that goest too far. I like this child but because she is given no boundaries she is out of control, imo.
just feel demoralised by it all and not sure whether I should be letting ds go through this anymore. Any ideas, I think I need to be told to keep a wide birth

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gothicmama · 21/08/2005 19:44

Keep a wide berth of her or see her without teh children it is unfair to your ds adn you to carry on . It could also ruin your friendship with this person

hunkermunker · 21/08/2005 19:45

If she was a good friend, you'd be able to talk to her about it.

spursmum · 21/08/2005 19:47

You sound like a friend of mine in RL whos having similar problems with her dd and her "friends" ds's. They have 2 years on her and the other week pushed her down a flight of wooden stairs. Their mum doesn't do anything because she believes that her "little angels" couldn't do that even though she saw her ds pushe her down the stairs. My advice was to her and now to you is to avoid her and her child like the plague. You'll regret it if you let this carry on and the other child goes too far IYKWIM. HTH

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Tumblemum · 21/08/2005 19:53

well hope she is a good friend, will have to speak to her I suppose but feel that the response will be unhelpful as it is bloody obvious that her child is tomenting mine, and has been for a while, and presumably my friend thinks that the best way to deal is ignore it, she has alluded to a toddler guru who advocates a Lord of the Flies approach from what she says

Don't feel her child is bothered by me intervening as her mother does nothing and so sending message out doing nothing wrong

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gigglinggoblin · 21/08/2005 20:02

i would tell her off in exactly the same way as i tell my own off. if she doesnt seem bothered tell her she will not be allowed to play with his toys if she carries on (make sure you have something really good there).

if her mum gets cross and stays away from you because of it you havent really lost anything if the alternative is to avoid them anyway. worth a try!

ednaferber · 21/08/2005 20:07

Friendship and parenthood are not the same things. I would see her sans children.

Tumblemum · 21/08/2005 20:27

Yes good point, and if we are invited to family occasions then we will either have to get a sitter or not go, seems a bit hard on ds though missing all the parties but tbh cannot see it being resolved by reasoning as my friend has made it quite clear that she will not be intervening in what she sees as normal toddler behaviour, and I am not going to let my son continue to be a glorified 'toy' for this child to delight in distressing and seeing him burst into tears....

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Caligula · 21/08/2005 20:32

How old are they both?

Pinotmum · 21/08/2005 20:33

My friend's dd acts similary and I now tell her off as I would do my own. I'm fed up waiting for the mum to do it. I now feel that if the mum doesn't like it that's tough as my children need to know I'm fair to everyone.

Tumblemum · 21/08/2005 20:34

About 20 months mine and over two the other child.

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Caligula · 21/08/2005 20:42

I would give DS lots of positive attention and hugs whenever the other child upsets him. If big child finds that it's not a good means of getting attention, she'll give up.

But mostly, I'd avoid them until she's grown out of this annoying phase.

Rarrie · 21/08/2005 20:45

Not justifying the other child's behaviour, but two is young to share... and naturally the girl would want to ahve everything her own way... mine sure does! But it should be down to the mum to do something about it.

If the other mother won't, could you? For example, if my DD is not playing nicely with other children(whether her fault or theirs) I talk to them about "sharing" and playing nicely... not directed either at my child or the other, but both... and if the other mother says anything, then say 'Oh I'm trying to teach DS about sharing at the moment'. I've found it generally works and is less confrontational than directly disciplining another person's child.

However, if you can go out sans kids, that does sound like your best option!

Tumblemum · 21/08/2005 20:53

Thanks all for the suggestions, it helped to just to talk about it as it has really been getting me down I am now going to start to take positive action and look around for different activities to do with ds as we go to some of the same play groups etc... and we shall avoid parties.
I have tried to resolve it, but feel I am fighting a loosing battle without 'mum' on board.
Goodnight all
Tumblemum

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Tumblemum · 21/08/2005 20:56

Rarrie, we crossed have tried that ad nauseum but other child not responsive and is very hyper, i am going to have to avoid this child until this phase has passed.

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mummyoffour · 22/08/2005 01:04

hi tumblemum I have kinda the same prob with my dd1 and the next door neighbours dd1 the mother seems to be so cool about her dd1 attitude and lets her get away with anything so the child runs wild and my dd1 is always coming in crying about her.....it really is hard and I get so fed up with it, I have come to the point where I am trying to keep her in and away from the child but dd1 has seen freedom now and its very hard. I have been friendly with the mother but I am now getting an intolerance towards her thru our kids.

Tumblemum · 22/08/2005 21:02

mummyoffour completely understand, it must be very difficult having this problem next door, can you talk to the 'mum', though I know it is easier said than done, hope that things improve.
I am going to have to completely overhaul my childs activities as the other child goes to a lot of things we go to, but i am not going to put up with it anymore.

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Passionflower · 22/08/2005 22:18

I had a similar thing with my DD1, the other mum did try to enforce discipline but her DD was a very challenging 2yo.

In the end I just dropped them from our social circle as every time we met up ended in misery. I was pregnant with DD2 at the time and I just couldn't face it any more.

I felt a bit guilty at the time as the mum was obvously having a hard time with her DD but it wasn't fair on my DD and it was soooo nice not to have the agro any more.

Tumblemum · 24/08/2005 19:28

this sounds so familiar, I am just pg and it has become unbearable. It is going to be difficult to drop her as we have a lot of mutal friends and we will have to avoid parties, playgroups and it will seem odd if I meet up with others in our gang and she is not invited, it feels as if I have to start all over again re ds and my social circle.

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mummyoffour · 25/08/2005 00:14

hi Tumblemum can talk to but she does not care about how her kids act y'know.

Chandra · 25/08/2005 01:05

You don't need to cut contact, just invite them out at night, and then you could continue with your friendship until her child has passed that phase.

SherlockLGJ · 25/08/2005 01:22

Chandra

Good point

I shall watch this thread with interest.

mummyoffour · 25/08/2005 01:26

This is true Chandra I did do this with my next door neighbour and it has built gaps as we were at loggaheads last year over our kids and things have been better...but still cant help getting mad as she does not seem to understand disapline....

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