DD's behaviour with me

[LovingMyNewLife]

DD is 2.5yrs and is well behaved and loving with me, her dad, other family members and at nursery.

However if I take her out with her friends she will play nicely for a while but soon starts to hit, bite and this weekend stamps on her friend's head I always say No firmly and tell her that it isn't nice behaviour and encourage her to say sorry to her friend/s when this happens.

I really don't understand tho why this only happens when we are out with her friends and I am there. I thought maybe it was attention seeking cos I am talking to other mums but yesterday she had my full attention and still did this.

The other mums are okay about it to an extent but I can sense they are fed up with it and have commented that some of the kids say that my DD bites or hurts and are conscious of this when coming over to play with us

TBH I'm getting a complex that it is something I am/am not doing with/for DD that is making her act like this but only in my presence.

Any ideas?

Loving, my DD is a bit like this. She's 5 now. School report that she is well behaved and popular at school, but she often acts in a very jealous way when friends come to play.
It#s very frustrating, and I worry that I am doing something wrong.

Sorry I have no words of wisdom to offer, but you are not on your own.

I think bad behaviour when you are somewhere else and trying to have a chat over a coffee is not an unusual reaction for a 2.5 year old. I have been there many times.However if the mums are actually commenting on it, either you have a very direct group of friends or they are REALLY fed up.

I think other mums are more sympathetic to the bad behaviour of a young child if they feel the mum in question is on top of it. If they feel you are letting it go, or not intervening early enough it can get very stressful for everyone and clearly their children's wellbeing is their priority.

Do you think you are pro-active enough? Given that you know she can be like this do you watch her like a hawk and swoop in and stop other kids before they get hurt? If she bites someone do you remove her from the situation? Would you be ok if another mum who had seen an incident starting that you missed, intervened? Your DD will grow out of this phase but you need your friends to still want to spend time with you by then.

Sorry if that sounded very dry and blunt- I meant to be more reassuring! I would talk to your friends and work something out with them.

I do step in immediately and I am hovering much of the time anticipating her behaviour.

I feel that at 2.5 naughty steps and such like are not appropriate and prefer to reinforce and praise good behaviour and explain (simply!) that bad behaviour is not acceptable - mummy is sad etc when you do that

They mention it in a jokey way but the the other day when DD pushed one child over the other mum pretty much flung my DD out of the way to 'rescue' her child who wasn't injured and I felt it was an over-reaction but I let it go

I know the naughty step is not for everyone and I know she is still quite young- however in your situation I would (and did with my DD) remove her from a interactions where she had just hurt another child on purpose. I think this sort of sanction is acceptable and useful for a 2.5 year old in the way that it is not perhaps for a 1.5 year old. I used to pick DD up and take her away from everyone and sit with her without speaking for a couple of minutes. If we were having a particular bad time of it and we got to incident 3, we went home. This was not just to try and help her learn how to play, it was to let other mums know that I was on the case and I took it seriously.

From your DD's point of view it might be helpful to try and find out what exactly is going on- does she find it too stressful sharing? Does she get any practise sharing? ie has she got a handle on taking turns and that she will get a turn again? Is she just not coping without your full attention all the time? Are these incidents the end of some sort of fall out with the other children and she is just the first to resort to hitting or do they come out of the blue?

From the other mum's point of view- I think if your DD is gently told no over and over and it is not making any difference to her behaviour, and she continues to do things like bite, it will be increasingly stressful for them to have their child play with yours. Do you know them well enough to talk about all of this? Would you be happy for one of them to tell her off- possibly removing the incentive of attention from you? I do realise that everyone has their own parenting style so I offer suggestions because it sounds like it has the potential to impact socially on you as well. It is hard, having been the mum of both I would rather deal with my child having been bitten than with my child biting anyone else...

I tried role playing the scenario with DD using dolls. I had 3 dolls, and used one as DD being mean to another doll. That doll became upset and eventually went to play with the third doll, leaving the mean doll on her own. I then replayed it with the first doll being kind, and then all 3 playing together happily. DD enjoyed the little 'play', and it did have some impact on her behaviour.

I find that going on about it to DD, reinforces the bad behaviour as she's getting attention for it. I also tried to give her more direct positive attention, playing with the dolls does this, as they love this kind of play.

I agree with Cathpot that the other parent needs to see your DC being reprimanded. Also it's important to try and get your child to say sorry, or cuddle the other child.(who may be wary of being hurt again).

Sorry just re-read your first post and saw that you do this already.

Hello Loving

Your dd is letting herself get carried away with her play because she does not really feel the consequences of her actions, once you modify your reaction to her behaviour, you can affect that change.

Really good on you for wanting to change it rather than hoping she will grow out it...

...I am in the situation that it is my dd on the receiving end of very similar behaviour from a friends daughter. Sadly, the mum is normalised to it and excuses her daughters behaviour as normal for her age, and although she does the telling no and explaining, its token - bark without bite and her dd continues on. It does affect my relationship with them, I just don't want to hang out with them!

Since you believe that it is only with you she acts up, it shows that she does have control and can play well so you might not have too hard a time.

The tuppence worth CakeForBreakfast program:-

1. Watch her like a hawk, even when she is playing nicely, so you can swoop the first moment her behaviour changes.

1. Take her away from the situation and get down to her level looking her straight in her eye and warn her that if she does it again shes in timeout for 2 minutes.

1. Follow through repeatedly, if tantrums ensue and aren't quelled quickly, tell her you will be leaving. Definately follow through.

Its a tough time for you as without 100% consistency she'll know that sometimes she can get away with it so its still worth trying it on.

Good luck you, I hope you manage to tackle it.

Thanks for all your feedback it has been useful to get opinions from 'outsiders'