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Original poster

when is it ok to lie?

18 replies

bossykate · 18/07/2003 21:59

i have advised mumsnetters to lie on two separate occasions this evening...

like to think of myself as an upstanding citizen, so when do you all think it is ok to lie?

examples:

Q: a friend says, "does my bum look big in this?"
A: if it's in the changing room, a diplomatic response, e.g. "i thought that other dress looked wonderful". if she has already bought the garment "no, of course not, it looks marvellous!"

Q: any social event you can't/don't want to/major family hassle...
A: we're going on holiday/ill/moving/so much on... any response really that doesn't involve misleading the person that you might actually attend...

sometimes the kindest, most face-saving solution for all concerned is just to lie...

OR IS IT???

OP posts:

breeze · 18/07/2003 22:01

IMO a little white lie is better then hurting someones feelings.

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 22:43

some of you must really object to even "social lies"...

or...

when has social lying caught you out...

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 18/07/2003 22:44

During and immediately after sex, surely???

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 22:46

rhubarh, you mean "how was it for you?..."

er, drugs, er, "i didn't inhale..." ???

OP posts:

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 22:47

sorry, you didn't mention drugs... my overactive imagination, sorry...

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 18/07/2003 22:49

LOL! During sex to pretend you are actually enjoying it, and afterwards just to confirm that you did (or is that just me??? ) Drugs? Well now I wouldn't know anything about those

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 22:50

rhubarb, yes the first part of your post, i can see that...

sorry about the drugs thing, don't know where that came from, must have been a rush of blood to my head...

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 18/07/2003 23:04

Hmm, well, I agreed with your advice both times this evening when you told people to lie, bk. I think social lies are fine, as are white lies to avoid hurting someone's feelings. With the does my bum look big in this question I think if the friend hasn't already bought it then you have a duty to STOP her buyng it but without telling her her bum does actually look enormous. I dunno though, if it was a really close friend and she really did want an honest opinion then I'd probably say "yes it does in that but it isn't and doesn't look it in the other thing".

If I really can't face a social thing I will maybe lie. Although I'm quite likely to say "sorry, we can't make it" without giving a reason to avoid lying. I'm not very good at lying so there's another reason I try not to - I'm bound to get caught. Never lied about sex, always told 'em if they were crap, saw it as a service to womankind really

breeze · 18/07/2003 23:09

I remember once telling someone I worked with (who I couldn't stand) that I couldn't come out for their birthday party as I was babysitting. they changed the venue and ended up where I had gone out to at the last minute with a friend. Funny but we didn't get on any better after that.

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 23:23

thank you breeze and www.

have to say, in each of the situations that i advised lying this pm, would not have occurred to me to do anything else... even though i am a stickler for honesty normally (e.g. wouldn't try and weasle out of say, a parking ticket which was a fair cop, or would give back the change in a shop if someone had given me back too much by accident).

just wondered if it was just me who would unhesitatingly lie to get out of a difficult social situation, even with family.

OP posts:

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 23:24

erm... have never done it to anyone i've met through mumsnet, i promise.

see, that's the problem, you're either honest or not... yikes.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 18/07/2003 23:24

Now, I'd weasel out of a parking ticket even if it was a fair cop but I would own up about the change since it would be the person working on the till who would potentially be in trouble.

Original poster

bossykate · 18/07/2003 23:28

www, see it is social situations which are my weakness (strength???), i can lie with ease and fluency...

just a couple of threads this pm have made me think, why not just lie?

and then think... well maybe other people are more honest...

OP posts:

tigermoth · 19/07/2003 09:17

I'm sure someone somewhere would never lie in social situations but that someone is not me.

I agree with your two responses bk. I think it's more important to do what you say you are going to do, be reliable, rather than be strictly honest all the time. ie if you say you will go to a party, you will be there....says the person who had to wimp out of the mumsnet meal at the last minute...

Lindy · 19/07/2003 09:27

I do lie to get out of awkward social situations; but I also greatly admire people who can be honest; eg: we do not have a very close relationships with either of our families and (sorry, I am repeating this from last year) when our DS was christened last year we got 2 'regrets' maybe the reasons were genuine, I don't know; my DB & family did come but bitched about the whole thing so I really wish they hadn't; DSIL said to me, very nicely, 'as you realise I am not getting on with brother (my DH) and I think its best if we don't come, we don't want to spoil the occasion for you'.

I thought that was incredibly brave of her and admire her greatly for being so honest - BTW we still had a great day with the (few!!) relatives we get on with and a large circle of friends!

Since having a child the absolute best excuse I find is 'sorry, I'd love to come but its so difficult to get a babysitter !!'

doormat · 19/07/2003 10:26

I personally do not like lies (white ,social, whatever) I will tell a child the truth which fits their understanding and comprehension to suit their age without going into gory details.

As for white lies, if one of my friends comes to me for advice ie "does my bum look big in this"the answer is yes but this outfit you have looks fantastic but it is entirely up to you what you wear.My group of friends and my dh are the same. If an outfit looks atrocious on me they all tell me and I appreciate their honesty as they appreciate mine.

As for functions, it is any excuse to me for party time!!!!!
If I dont attend it is because I dont want to because I dont really get on with the person but I will say to them listen I will only spoil the occassion, I think it is best me keeping away.If I dont turn up it is because either one of the children ARE ill or something drastic has happened.
I try not to be blunt with my honesty, just straight talking and thankfully my friends and dh are the same (oh and my children let me know if I look like a slapper/frump in outfits that I buy, and they are very truthful)

Would any of you tell your friend/s if you suspected their partners of having an affair?
Bossykate what did you advise the mumsnetters to lie about.

bloss · 19/07/2003 11:49

Message withdrawn

aloha · 19/07/2003 13:47

If the big bum question came up I'd probably say yes, if it did, and provided there was an option to change it. If said friend was at a big do, was paranoid about her appearance and to say yes would be devastating, I'd probably say something like, 'Oh shut up and have another glass of champagne." If she was asking me before hand with another outfit to hand, I'd day, "Yes, a bit." I am often asked questions by friends just because they do want an honest answer. The downside is that they will do the same to you, which is why I don't ask a question unless I really want a genuine answer. I wish that was more common!

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