What would you think if friends said/did this?

[Earlybird]

A company I do some work for is based on top of a hill with a beautiful view of the city centre. Every year the president of the company hosts a 4th of July party (we're in America). There is a lovely catered buffet supper, live music, activities for the kids and the evening will end by watching the fireworks display put on by the city.

I invited a family who are fairly new to the area to join me, thinking they'd enjoy it and that perhaps they don't have anything else organised. They accepted the invitation.

I've just had a phone message from the woman asking me to join them for supper tonight at a restaurant 'so we don't have to rely on the catered food being decent at the event'. They then propose that we go on to the party and participate in the festivities.

What would you think if you'd had that phone call?

I would think that either they have underestimated the quality and scale of the catered buffet or that there are some other food related issues they are concerned about - fussy eater dcs perhaps.

I'd think that they felt obliged for the invitation, thought they ought to contribute to the evening in some way, but were a bit clueless. And possibly that they had very fussy DCs and were taking them to eat somewhere they knew they would manage rather than unleash them on your event.

Honestly? Nothing. (making you me for a minute to make it easier to reply) It's not a criticism of me cos I didn't cook or arrange it and they know that. I don't think I'd care. I'd probably reply thanks but the party is well catered and always has excellent food, and I am committed to attend the buffet, but I don't mind at all if you want to eat first and then come over.

Maybe they think they're being nice? Or perhaps they want some time with you first? Perhaps they feel a bit anxious about going to the event? Who knows?

I think that's a bit rude actually. If they are concerned about food issues they should eat before hand so they're not reliant on the buffet.

I'm assuming the buffet has always been good in the past so I would just tell them that the catering is normally very good and so they shouldn't worry

Hmm - they are very much organic food eaters (Waitrose, Whole Foods, etc).

On the one hand, I understand and guess they didn't think it through when they said yes. On the other hand, I rsvp'd for 7 people, and while it won't be obvious if my guests don't eat, they have been included in the catering numbers at would should be a very nice party.

Can't decide if this is rude behaviour or not.

Or what Hecate said!

They are scared of food poisoning? That's what sprang to mind. It's not unreasonable (although I wouldn't worry about it), especially if you don't know the caterers. You are in TN?

I would tell them what sort of things are normally served at the buffet, and what time it is served, let them make up their own minds about eating with you or at a restaurant beforehand and then joining you afterwards. But tell them you need to know ASAP.

You invited them, they accepted now they want to eat elsewhere, it isnt a huge deal, but it is a little rude of them to just let you know now.

BTW Happy 4th July, it is also my wedding anniversary today!

Major food issues I'd think, and yes, rude when you've invited them.

I am fairly intolerant of food issues though. (unless allergies)

Fwiw, invite was issued to 'Earlybird and guest' so felt a little sheepish to call and ask if I could bring 6 guests - though the answer from president's secretary was an immediate 'yes'.

Yes, am in TN.

Thanks for your thoughts. I will advise my friends to eat at the restaurant they have in mind, and then meet us later at the party. I cannot in all good conscience simply be a 'no show' for the supper.

The whole thing is irritating though. What should have been a lovely, easy evening with friends has now become slightly complicated. We won't have as much time together, and I shall now have the responsibility of directing them to an unfamiliar location (parking is easy if you know where to go, but difficult if you don't know the area). And, I don't relish hoofing around the company grounds in this heat trying to direct them to the party either, as it is certain they won't be able to find the party location on their own....

Could you not simply say 'Oh no need, the buffet is always of very high standard, and really quite substantial'?

That way, they would be forced to explain their reasons for going to a restaurant.

I'd be quite offended...maybe you haven't cooked but it is all part of the party you've invited them too. If you invited someone to a wedding, you may feel a bit peeved if they went off to eat somewhere else first. I know it's not quite on that scale, but in the same vein. If they have such deep food issues they should just say 'no' to events with food.

Hope you had a fun time! Let us know how it goes...

We've just spoken. She is back-pedalling a bit, and said she 'didn't realise' when I explained they were welcome to eat elsewhere if they preferred but I didn't feel I could completely withdraw from the party catering as I'd responded for 7 people.

She has also given the excuse that the buffet begins too late for their dc (buffet begins at 7.30, and she insists her 9 year old dd cannot wait that late).

Don't know why she didn't say all of this when the invitation was extended.

What a lot of silly drama over something that should have been easy, enjoyable and fun.

7.30 is a bit late for kids to eat, my dc's wouldn't last out till that time.

honestly? i'd think "fuck you"

I don't invite people to something only for them to turn round and basically say "yeh... we think that'll be a bit shit so come somewhere else with us instead"

v. bad form

Well - you may be right.

I am the sort of person that will, for a special occasion, give a substantial snack so that my child could eat later/stay up later.

But everyone has their own preferences and routines.

oh and 7.30 is a bit late, but surely you'd just give the kids a small tea earlier and then let them pick at the buffet if they wanted to?

i really fail to see why it has to involve them eating somewhere else

Routines are out the window for tonight. The fireworks won't begin until 9.15 earliest which means a very late bedtime for all dc tonight - that is why the supper is later.

But that is beside the point, my friends prefer to eat in a restaurant (very good Turkish, by the way) instead of the catered buffet (strong inference from them it will probably be not very good), and were hoping I'd join them.

That certainly could have been possible if it had been suggested a few days ago and I could have informed the host we would attend the festivities only.

I personally feel it would, at this point, be an abuse of the host's hospitality to simply not show up when we have been catered for, so dd and I will go and enjoy the buffet. And our friends will turn up later.

How did it go? What didn't she realise?!!! That you wouldn't be up for slagging off the buffet?! Well done for having integrity and sticking to your principles on it.

I agree to give the kids a large snack or early tea and let them pick at the buffet. Really it's the adults who should be eating it since they agreed to it.

i would be offended that my friends thought i'd invite them to something with shit food! did you tell them it's usually very good?

I hope they went and realised what they'd missed out on

Thanks to all for advice and general support.

I think I learned something about this friend last night (though still not sure exactly what). THey still chose to go to the restaurant even after I told her about the good food at the catered buffet, and that I couldn't in all good conscience 'skip out' when I had made a commitment.

We arranged a meeting point after their meal out, and they followed me in their car to the event as I knew they'd never find the place unless guided.

They walked up and down the buffet, and then sat and watched dd and me eat - bit awkward and strange. She never explained further, justified her choice or apologised.

It ended up being a nice evening, but created a bit of a funny feeling (of everything being evaluated and judged), and to me, what should have been an easy lovely evening was slightly compromised.

The crazy part is that I could have invited half a dozen other families who would have been thrilled to come along, and would have enjoyed the entire evening immensely.

They sound a little odd tbh

The 'too late to eat' for a 9 year old is a bit precious - you just feed at tea time and let child eat or not at the event without it being a big deal. And if the issues was intolerances or allergies, why not just say so? DS2 has huge intolerance . I would have come along with a discreet emergency snack pack of food for him just in case nothing was suitable.

I would back away slowly, eyeing them for any sudden moves...

The phrase 'high maintenance' springs to mind....

But obviously they have many redeeming qualities too, or i wouldn't have invited her/them in the first place.

"silly drama over something that should have been easy, enjoyable and fun. "

that's what I would privately think, too .

Publicly, it would be an Opportunity to exhibit all the graciousness my mother used to try to teach me .