No shows at childrens parties

[Trifle]

I've just held a second birthday party for my ds and it never ceases to amaze me that people either dont turn up or come late. Today 3 didnt turn up and 3 were half an hour late. At Christmas when it was my other ds birthday, 3 didnt reply to the invitation and one didnt reply but turned up with 3 of her children when only 1 was invited. Parties are not cheap and the one today cot me 80 quid of which 27 quid was spent on 3 empty places. Why can't people have the decency to reply to party invitations, come if they say they are coming and then at least arrive on time.

Thanks for all the positive support everyone, cos my dh said "what are you getting wound up about, its only food ?" I have to say I always try to be on time and with a present appropriate for the birthday child. On one occasion I had an invite for Ds2 ( who is 2 1/2 yrs old) but the card did not mentions Ds1 ( who is 4 1/2 yrs old ) and so I left him with my neighbour.When I got to the party the hostess even had a box for my older son, and had automatically assumed that I would bring him along. I had wondered but felt I did not know her well enough to ask, in case she felt obliged to say "yes, bring him along too". Its so frustrating. I wish there were clear guide lines. Maybe WH Smiths should print party invitation cards where the small print would state what is expected and what is not, and a list of party rules!!! I would certainly use those so everyone knew where they stood!

Iggy - I agree - the other thing I really get wound up about is parties at really short notice - the other day my ds brought an invitation home on Thursday for a party on Saturday. I work full-time so this sort of notice is ridiculous - meant I had to dash out from work to grab a present and a card on friday lunchtime - Friday lunchtime is my pub lunchtime and I don't want to go shopping!! I rang the mum assuming that ds had forgotten to bring it home but she just said that she hadn't got round to putting them out any earlier.

Paula 71- we always do days out. My ds1 is autistic so can't tell me who his friends are anyway! This year (he was 4), I hired a bouncy castle and soft play for nursery and took a couple of cakes into nursery (2 - one for him - gluten free- and a Sainsbury's Thomas cake for the other children). DS2 went along for about half an hour as well. They sang happy birthday to him and then after lunch we went to a farm park place (me, dh and ds2).

It was great- we realy enjoyed it. For ds2's birthday (1) we had party at the weekend (but more for the adults- lots of mulled wine etc). There were loads of autistic kids there so no point tyring to do any games. We went to the zoo for the day on his actual birthday.

Works well for us.

Message withdrawn

Sorry lisalisa, I completely disagree with you. If every child of the 25 decided not to turn up, the poor kid whose party it was could end up with no-one there. Also, some of these parties in party places and pubs cost between £7.00 and £10.00 a head and many have to be paid in advance so if people don't show up it still costs that parent money. Even a party at home takes alot of organisation and costs a fair bit - if your child is expected then the parent will have sorted out a party bag, food etc. for your child.
If your child is being invited to too many parties then have the decency to decline the invitation in advance, then you don't have to buy a present, turn up etc.
New shoes can be sorted out first thing on a Saturday morning - there are not many parties at 9.00 am on a Saturday.
I have always worked full-time and I have always managed to get my kids to parties at the right time where possible - if I know in advance that we won't be able to get to the party at the right time (usually due to another party) - then I will let the parent know - and ask whether that will inconvenience the arrangements - if it will then I will decline the invitation.

Lisalisa, how terribly inconvenient for your children to be invited to a party, god forbid something so tedious should befall you weekly. I held a party for my son because I happened to like all the children he knocks about with and their parents equally so. At 9 quid a head with a minimum number of 10 children, it was no small change to host so I had to choose the guest list carefully although would have liked to have invited far more but finances prohibited it. To those too ignorant to turn up or cancel at a reasonable time prevent the host having sufficient time to invite others who would be overjoyed at the privilege of attending a party.

Forgot to mention, when anyone asked me what my ds wanted for his birthday I told them nothing. He has far too many toys anyway and I'd rather they didnt waste their money on buying something for the sake of it. He does however have a post office account so I told them that if they wanted to do anything then donating a couple of quid to his account would do him far more good in the long term that an unwanted toy. Perhaps lisalisa if you had asked the parents about a suitable present you may have been spared taking shares out in Toys R Us.

Related question - my 2 year old has just been to his first 2nd birthday party. Should I send thanks for the party note - what is expected ?

Well. its funny this should turn up now. My ds was invited to a party on Saturday. The invite was from a little boy he doesn'y know very well - met a few times whilst out for walks, thats all) After consulting with ds we accepted the invitation (giving them a week's notice), we got everything planned and organised on the day, turned up at the venue...and ds wouldn't go in. He gets nervous in unfamiliar situations (just like me) and even though I was prepared to stay with him he just couldn't go through with it. I was angry with him for not even trying, but what could I do? I wasn't about to force him, because despite knowing that he'd enjoy it if he went and allowed himself to relax, it kind of defeated the object. I couldnt go in and tell them, as he wouldn't let me leave him, I couldn't ring because I didn't have a phone number - and there was no-one home anyway, they were at the party, so I couldn't go round either. So what could I do? I took the present round and left it outside the house so it was there when they got back, and I put a note in with it to explain why we hadn't turned up.

I understand your complaints, but was I wrong?

I feel so cross for you Trifle - parties are really hard work and not only you but your children must have been very disappointed.Before we moved here things were getting a bit out of control even at Playgroup people were asking the whole playgroup (which of course included parents) Now thank goodness (or maybe not) we're at drop off age!With three kids we have a party rule - you only go to parties of people you are close friends with or would ask to your own party -is that really harsh?
Otherwise imagine with 30 kids in each class thats 87 presents a year and 87 parties a year if everyone was to ask the whole class that is. Our own parties are at home for a maximum of 10 (excl siblings)food and cake are simple and self catered (cuts cost enormously and the kids seem always too excited to eat much anyway. We play good old-fashioned party games then sing happy birthday and send them all home. This is risky I know but we dont do party bags either we do lucky dip -one thing from a bag and a piece of cake and a balloon as you go. Is this really mean - from reading your posts I'm beginnning to wonder if i should be pulling out the stops a bit more?

anais, no, you couldn't have done anything else so I would have understood had I been the party host. They do get like that sometimes don't they? My son once refused to go anywhere near the magician at a party and insisted on standing at the back of the hall with me for the entire party. Kaz33, I've never received a thank you note or sent one so I'd say it isn't expected. Ds has been to so many parties over the last year (20 odd?) and had 36 odd kids at his party last year that if we all sent thank you notes to everyone we'd be drowning in polite pieces of paper!

I think not turning up without explanation is very rude. Obviously unforseen circumstances (like yours, Anais) are perfectly understandable but I would "expect" an apology/explanation - I certainly wouldn't not turn up without giving one.

Lisalisa ... I am afraid I agree with Jaybee and Trifle. It is no great heardship to pick up the phone and say you can't come to a party ... it is just common courtesy after all. I don't understand it when people say it is 'more embarrassing to cry off than not go at all'. Sorry, just can't see it from your point of view at all. Like Jaybee said, what if all of the parents of the 25 invited had the same attitude??

kaz33 - thank you notes are not expected, but I think they are often appreciated. Certainly on the rare occasion a child's parent has written a note to say "thank you for having us at the party" I have been pleased.

bubbly - we don't do party begs either. Perhaps I'm really tight, but I just give them a slice of cake, and if they are lucky a balloon. Actually I'm not tight - parties cost a bl**dy fortune, without having to fork out for silly bags of plastic rubbish that will probably go straight in the bin when the child goes home. I feed the children and entertain them for the afternoon - is that not enough?

gosh I'm always so amazed when ds1 ges invited to a party I'd never not show. Especially when I turn up and find out that he's one of only about 10 children- I'm almost fawning in my gratitude it's embarrassing. In fact the last party he went to the little boy had also invited another autistic child (pretty non-verbal like my ds1)- she had been at nursery at the same time as his eldest sister. That little boy will grow up to be someone special I'm sure (see I told you get over-emotional about it!). DS1 had a lovely time. In fact the other day he found the plastic glasses from his party bag and brought them to me saying "party". I do always take ds1's packed lunch- I figure the host has enough to do without providing gluten free food as well.

I don't do "thank yous for inviting me to the party" (I try to remind my children to say that before they leave the party) but I always sit down with dd and dss and do thank you letters for presents they have been given - often this just involves them choosing a picture from a website, writing on PC a basic letter (adjusted for each present) and getting dd or ds to sign each letter and write the name on the outside. Don't wish to cause offence but I do think it's bad manners not to say thank you in some way.

Dinosaur ... that is awful ... your poor ds being denied .... absolutely diabolical of that woman!
Even if there was no 'campaign' and the woman really had too many people going she should have thought about that before she sent out the invitations. I am seething on your behalf ...
Where's that mangle??

dinosaur, that's outrageous. And rude and nasty. What an awful woman - you can't invite someone and then un-invite (dis-invite? Whatever) them! What's she on? Eek Jude, do you really think thank you notes should be sent? Does anyone else? Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't and everyone thinks I'm terribly rude?

Def mangle time, I agree.

WWW ... you are not rude ... truly! Are we talking about thank you notes for presents to your child? Well, I always have good intentions and always forget ... or leave it too long. I prefer to ring people up and say thank you.
My SIL is meticulous in her thank you notes ... and puts the rest of our family to shame.
Last Christmas my sister gave us all a post it note with 'Thank You Note' written on it as she was leaving to go home! I laughed anyway!

Dinosaur that is appalling!!!! My god! I shivered when I read that. Sounds like you reacted in a very grown up fashion to me. I would have been making voodoo dolls (and well and truly sobbing into the wine bottle) How bizarre to do a first come first served!

Radiohead is my absolute favourite as well.

thank you notes for presents my children have received- usually very veyr late (with much tut tutting from MIL).

I am always so stunned that ds1 is invited that the host usually gets a very long blabbering thank you from me. But then its easy really because I can't leave him at a party so I'm tripping over the host the whole time anyway.

any form of thank you will do - written , post-it note, telephone call (isn't that more time consuming than doing a letter on the PC?), speaking to the mum/dad personally. Make sure dd/ds knows the thank yous have been made if they didn't do them. Otherwise they'll grow up expecting not to say thanks for presents etc. won't they?