Ways to boost self esteem

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

When it has been bad for years and doesn't seem to be getting any better.

ello fab - have you considered taking up a new hobby that you have always wanted to? Or is your self-esteem so low that you are convinced you wouldn't be any good at it anyway?

If it's really rock bottom low then I would recommend seeing an NLP (neurolinguistic programming) therapist. They are very good at weeding out our crap brain processes and thoughts and replacing them with lovely new ones that tell us how great we are, actually and that no one else has any right to say any different so NER. (I don't mean high profile self-publicists like Paul McKenna, I mean a proper INLPTA therapist).

Just a thought anyway

Thanks thumbwitch.

I wish I was braver..

Someone is hurting me at the moment, though they are not meaning too I am sure, but part of me feels it is all I deserve and I need to grow a pair and realise that I don't have to take it. I have known her a long time though.

Do you have to see this person?

Sometimes it's best to limit the amount of exposure you have and then spend time with people who make you feel loved and important.

No-one deserves to be belitted and upset, however it's meant, good or bad.

No, I guess I don't. Mainly it is by email as she is so busy with work but is hard to walk away when you have known someone a long time.

Thanks .

Sorry to hear that fab

I think if you can't just walk away, then maybe just slowly reduce contact.

I am to say that someone who I thought of as a friend did just stop emailing me completely a few years ago - for ages I never knew why and then contacted her through Friends Reunited - she replied saying that although I was X,Y, and Z (good things) I managed to always make her feel bad about herself (unintentionally on my part, I hasten to add, but sometimes through sheer thoughtlessness so I wasn't blameless) - so she had decided to stop putting herself through the pain and cut contact.

By email it is much easier - don't reply for several emails in a row and then if necessary change your email address - if you want to do it the passive way.

If, OTOH, she is a friend or relation with whom you want to maintain a relationship then you probably do need to have a chat to them and say something along the lines of "you probably don't realise it but when you do/say A,B,C it makes me feel X, Y, Z. I am finding it hard to stay in contact with you at the moment because it is making me feel sad/bad/low"

One of the other advantages of NLP, should you choose to go that route, is to realise that no one can actually make you feel anything you don't choose to - but our patterns of chosen reactive behaviour are so established that it can be hard to break free of them just because we tell ourselves to. NLP can help you break free of them though.

I want to remain friends as we have known each other a long time but it just doesn't seem to work. DH isn't keen on her and I end up just being grateful for any scraps I get. I feel good while we are talking but when she disappears and doesn't respond it really hurts.

I have another girlfriend I have known for the same amount of time and I have always thought she was so much better than me and sometimes I think she just doesn't get me. I feel worse after we have talked. Keep sending messages and she says herself she doesn't reply to all messages from anyone but it still hurts when I have clearly been needing a friend and she hasn't got the time. Maybe I am too needy.

Aw Fab really sorry to hear you are feeling this way

What a tough position to be in. If you feel able to I think an email as thumbwitch suggested could be a good way to tackle this. Tell her how she is making you feel.

If not how about writing an email but not actually sending it to her, sometimes I find just writing down how I feel is very theraputic even if I don't do anything with it (IYSWIM)

It is funny that I have 2 people who make me feel like this. One I have told many times how I feel but it won't ever be resolved unless we could have unlimited time to talk but then there would always be something else to say. The other person I could never say anything. I tried once and it wasn't good. I am about to do an hours exercise and I will feel better. I guess I just need to learn to live with some things rather than trying to resolve the unresolvable.

Thanks for being there.

I think you had it right in your op, fab - this is less about the friends and more about your self esteem. You appear to be taking these friends' actions as slights, even when they aren't necessarily meant as that. Thinking that someone is "so much better than" you is much more of an indication of the way you feel about yourself than the other person - and I truly believe that if you can get your own self-esteem up and running then these other issues with your friends will probably fade away.
UNLESS they are deliberately setting out to put you down, in which case they are no sort of friend to have, however long you have known them.

You are definitely right and I am sure if I felt better about myself I wouldn't feel the way I do about these other people. I hate feeling pathetic and needy. All I ever wanted was a mum and someone to love me and it is hard sometimes.

Thanks again .

fab. sorry you are feeling crap.

you can never ever change other people...but you CAN change the way in which you deal with them...

i have low self esteem...always have done, but now i am getting on in years (am 35 now!) i am far more assertive about myself.

i am trying really hard to spend time and energy only on people who make me feel nice about myself...its difficult, but it feels quite empowering. you don't need to be mean to anyone, just look out for yourself a bit more.

you should always come number 1....you are such a giving person..i see that from your posts on mn, but please try to start liking yourself... you can even write a list...things can be physical or personality based, or skills that you have..

in fact, tell me

1. something that you are good at......
2. something that is nice about your body (pretty eyes/great skin/bouncy boobs )
3. something nice about your personality......are you kind/loyal/generousetc..

i can see you are good at being nice to others...be nice about yourself and feel your sense of self worth grow. x

1. I am good at cooking and baking.
2. Lovely eyes and great boobs .
3. If you were my friend I would be very loyal and there for you.

1. I am good at surprising my dh. He went to work this morning and the downstairs loo had yellow walls. When he comes home they will be red!

Thanks chim

good girl! it feels nice to be kind to yourself doesn't it?

how lush to have a red bog!
sounds like a right regal room, perfect for a "throne"!

so, tell me something that you like about yourself...i will give your ego a massage! x

It looks really good.

I hope DH likes it. He doesn't know I have done it...

I like the fact that I care though sometimes I care too much at the detriment of my mental health, especially when trying to do the right thing by other people rather than me.

Thanks chim. You are lovely

thanks fab...and you are lovely too.

try to remember that good things happen to good people.....

learn what makes you happy and keep on top eh? x

morning fab...how you doing today?

Been thinking of person one all morning and emailed a short message asking when they would be free. Just wondering what to reply with. Have done 1 hour on the wii and made potato salad for lunch so feeling okay with that today.

How's you?

good girl.

i'm shit, but thanks for asking!

i'm confused about the person you emailed...you mean the person who has been causing you upset? want to talk about it?

Do you want to talk about it?

The person I have emailed isn't intentionally causing me hurt, I just miss how things used to be between us. When we don't have contact, as she is really busy, I do find it much better but then I feel I should try again..

thanks fab...just having a down day. life has caught up with me and it sucks.

try to think about things differently...you've not been in touch wuith her, but has she been in touch with you??

i'm always so guilty of saying "i must ring whoever..i've not spoken to them for ages..." when actually, whilst it does take two to have a relationship of any kind, it should be a two way thing...you should both get soemthing out of it...if you don't, maybe its time to move on...

you have a good point

i know what i should do

heart struggling with head

so much going on

want my mum

just can't deal with it all

need to get out

Fab - what chimchar says is true - but some people are just shit at maintaining contact, although they still love to hear from you/others.

I have a couple of friends who actually are very good friends - but if I didn't make the effort to stay in touch, I'd never hear from them from one end of the year to the next. Not because they don't like me, just because they always have stuff on and time just slides away and before you know it, it's Christmas card time again.

I know there are people who believe friends are like clothes - if you haven't worn heard from them in a certain period, then discard them - but I don't believe that. In fact, I have just had email contact from one of my Uni friends who I lost touch with about 15 years ago!

I get the feeling, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that you are trying to replace mother-love with friend-love - looking for people to fill the mother-gap. It won't work, sorry.

Only you can do that - only you can create the belief in yourself that you matter, that you are lovable, that you are important to yourself and therefore other people.

((Hugs)) to you m'dear - give your head and heart a break and leave the emailing alone for a bit.

I need space I think.

Thanks for all your messages.