Am I being unreasonable (number 597123969....)??

[LouBeeLou]

DD (7) went to a sleepover for her friend's birthday this weekend. I was quite prepared for her to have a late night, but found out when I collected her that they didn't go to bed until 2.30am! There were six girls at this sleepover and I know kids can get excited, but I think 2.30am is far too late! Apparently they were still running round the garden at 1am!

We were all asked to collect our children at 11am on Sunday. The mum then called at 10.45am (i was just about to get in the car FGS!) to say that they were taking all the girls out to a local beauty spot so could I collect DD at 12pm. Fine, not a problem (was meeting a friend and her DD at 12 but called to say we would be a little late) got a bit of housework done and headed to their house for 12.

No-one was home, and eventually there were three other annoyed looking parents sitting in cars outside. Gets to ten past, so I called the mum on her mobile to see how far away they were. She said they had just stopped of for refreshments and would be about 10-15 mins!!

They eventually got back at 12.30pm by which time the other parents and I had got a bit annoyed. She didn't even apologise for being late back! Not wanting to cause a scene I just picked up DD's stuff and got ready to leave. When DD said thanks for having me the mum invited her over 'anytime'.

DD then told me later that the mum had been smoking in the house (in the same room as the kids), and in the car with all the kids in (they have a people carrier) with the window shut!!! I am a smoker mysef but do not smoke anywhere near DD (smoke outside at home and not in the car).

Sorry to ramble on, but my point is that DD wants to go and stay again, and the mum has texted me twice since inviting her over again. But I don't want her to go! I now I can be a bit anal about some things and very neurotic about most things, but I really wouldn't feel comfortable with DD going there again.

DD also burnt her finger on a lamp that had no lampshade. She is ok but has quite a nasty blister, and the mum didn't tell me about this, even though DD had told her. I am annoyed at the lack of supervision at this party.

I don't feel cross enough to confront the woman as that is how she is, but how do I avoid DD going again. Should I just pretend that we are busy when she asks?

Sorry, this is a longer rant than I meant it to be!

Am I being unreasonable?

I dont think your being unreasonable as i think i would feel the same in your situation especially about the smoking as i go crazy at smokers who are rude and inconsiderate enough to smoke near childern especially my own! and the time thing would have peed my off the late bed timeand the very disorganised mum taking them out at the last minute, i dont know how to avoid her going again though.

In work can't post at length, most definitely not.

7 FGS

Sounds like quite a fun party! Maybe things are different when it's not birthday time?

Hmm I can see why you are teed off. This woman was extremely rude in terms of timings. But in the scheme of things, how much does it matter? Suspect your dd might understand that there are different rules at her friend's house than yours. Are you geniunely worried about dd getting hurt because of lack of supervision? Or is it just that this mother has a much looser approach to rules than you? Smoking around the kids is frowned on these days, but exposure to environmental tobacco smoke for a few hours now and again won't actually give your dd lung cancer.
Don't think you are being unreasonable to be teed off, but in your shoes I'd be trying to work out whether I could live with dd visiting a house with different rules occasionally. Or whether these rules were so different from mine that I couldn't bear it.

Also wonder whether this mother is going a bit OTT because she needs to be popular with kids, for some reason? Maybe she's a bit insecure?

I can 100% understand why you are concerned, and not happy about a repeat performance.

But I can also see how this woman was simply incorporating other children into their family life, and are actually carrying on the way very many people do, and consider 'normal'.

I can quite see how a bunch of 7 year-olds would work themselves into a state where they didn't sleep til 2am (which is why I won't be having any mass sleep-overs ), and (sadly) smoking in cars with kids is more than normal, judging by what I see when I drive around.

The punctuality thing is irritating, but again, they were probably just letting the girls have a great time.

I think you have to go by your instict as to whether DD is safe, and if you don't feel happy to let her go again, then that is reasonable. if you think the changes from her home environment are ok for an occasional spree in a strong friendship, then that's ok too.

DD did have a good time, and I know I can be over-protective, but I probably just expected a bit more consideration from the mum. I know it must have been hard to control so many kids (I did think she was barmy to suggest it!) but from what DD has told me they were in the garden (big climbing frame thingy, trampoline and lots of concrete) but without any adults, as the mum and her friend were sat in the kitchen smoking. The garden is not securely enclosed so they could have easily wandered onto the road. They were also boucing on beds without any grownups around, which is when she burnt herself. TBH if I was having that many kids around I would certainly do a quick scout of hazards and remove them, and I would think that a lamp with a bare bulb classes as a hazard.

As I said, I am a smoker myself but would not smoke around DD, and certainly don't smoke around any of her friends who come to play. I know the mum smokes around her own kids, but if she smacks her own kids or lets them wear stillettoes, or feeds them turkey twizzlers, etc, etc is it ok to do that to other people's kids in her care? And is she really supervising all those children at the party if she has time to sit down for a fag?

As for the time-keeping, I was just annoyed. I am no perfect time-keeper myself but I just thought it was bad that she didn't even call us (she has all our numbers) to say they were going to be later than first thought. If I had been forewarned, I wouldn't have minded at all.

It's not just that it was a party, I think it is always like that at their house. She does try very hard to make it fun for the kids, and I admire her bravery for having a sleepover with so many, but in doing so I think she neglects some basic safety issues.

Think I will just say we are busy for a few weekends if she invites DD again, and hope that maybe it fizzles out.