Smacking

[kalex]

I really really really don't want this to turn into a slagging match.

But I smack my children, when they have done something highly dangerous (liking walking into the road or trying to touch hot pots).

Now please don;t jump all over - don't let that happen, coz I live on a main road, and I'm a single parent and at 3 and 7 can't keep them out of the kitchen.

Would love to stop but am stuck, What else would you do if your child tries to walk into oncoming traffic

i have smacked. i don't agree with the verocity of basketcases post, however i do think that if you smack and feel guilty all day for doing it - then this obviosly isn't the best aproach for you.

Well Basketcase - After you're first few sentences I couldn't even bring myself to read the rest of your post!

I smack ds on the back of his hand when he is very naughty. If telling him off and then the naughty step doesn't work....he will get a slap on his hand! More of a mild deterrant than an major act of physical violence. He knows that if he pushes it too much he will get a slap on the wrists.... and more often than not he will not let it get to that.

Kalex - I really can't answer that for you. But as others have said, if it's not working then there is no point in doing it really.

I'm afraid we resort to hysterical mummy scared shouting for the road etc.

I tried smacking DD for a bit, but she started hitting me back, so I seemed to be defeating the object

lol FS!

kalex you CAN keep them out of the kitchen. you just put a stairgate on it.
your 7 year old presumably knows not to touch hot pans or walk into the road so we're just dealing with the 3 yr old right?

if he's outside the house then you just have to hold onto him/put him on reins/in a buggy... don't give him the opportunity to do it!

Made sense when I thought about it logically - If I am allowed to smack her when i'm cross with her, then surely she should be allowed to smack me if she's cross with me!

My friend isn't impressed that I came out with the reply of "well hit her back then" when her son complained DD had thumped him for a toy... they now spend their days beating hell out of eachother

ha ha flamesparrow. I think a potential problem with thinking it's OK to smack your kids automatically, is precisely the scenario JulieF described - that you then have to stop yourself hitting other small people when they play up. Whereas if it wouldn't occur to you to hit a small person, you wouldn't have to stop yourself, because you'd have taught yourself to have a different automatic response to begin with. Much easier.

sorry if my post was strongly worded and upset anyone. I really am not interested in upsetting or arguing with anyone - I hate any confrontation in rl and feel the same most of the time on the net.
I guess the previous two posts just really upset me and I posted rather emotionally -sorry. Just hop eyou can see past my emotive words as see my point even if you disagree IYKWIM
As for any verocity in my post - the irony in choice of words amused me considering the topic - hitting children as a means to disciplining them

Kalex, we don't have the same problem as you regarding a busy road, but did have a VERY scary incident where DS managed to climb over the (supposedly child proof) bannister of our stairs (one floor up) and had he fallen would have landed on a concrete floor one storey down! (Still don't know how he managed it). Thank God he called for help realising that he was "stuck".

We told him he was very naughty and calmly gave him a short time out (he is 2.3yo) while we recovered from the shock (but did not let him see we were upset). Then I wanted him to SEE the possible consequences - so the only thing I could think of was telling him that if he fell off he could get REALLY hurt (but I wanted to SHOW him too). So I took a raw egg, got DH to drop it from the top of the banister, while DS and I sat at the bottom of the stairs, saw it drop, and then DS saw the mess of the broken egg. We told him that we really love him, and we wanted him to be safe, and that if he fell off the banister then he could get REALLY hurt and even broken like the egg. We asked him to tell us why he should not climb over the banister, and he told us and he REALLY got it.

Maybe you can do a similar demonstration (not in the road obviously). Can you get someone to drive a car over something to give a similary type of demonstration (maybe over a watermelon or something).

I was a bit worried that the egg demonstartion might traumatise him, but in the end I thought it would be better than risk him falling down one storey. He hasn't tried to go near the banister since. And since then there was another time when he was going to do something dangerous (can't remember what now) and we referred back to the egg incident, and he immediately understood that it was something SERIOUS and we were not kidding about it.

Hope this helps

Good luck in your search for alternatives to keep your children safe. I hope you have had some encouragement in your situation. I can't imagine having to cope with two kids on my own - I really admire your courage to come onto mn and ask for help with your problem.

God Bless
KK

I have smacked DD a few times when she was 2 or 3 for "naughty" behaviour but couldn't logically pursue this when I was also giving the "be kind to others" moral grounding. So I don't smack anymore. (That's me, no judgement on anyone else).
The busy road is scary as one big mistake could be serious, so I understand why you smack. Just keep reinforcing the message about why you shouldn't run off, the dangers of what can happen.
We also spend time looking at the newspapers, talking about pictures, and sometimes there's new about a child who has drowned or other such tragedies which can reinforce our messages, and our children can see that accidents really do happen. (Although my DD is 5 now maybe not a good idea with a 3 year old).

Have you tried the "what do you do when you cross the road? Stop - look - listen" routine? That's quite good. As we are coming up to the kerb, I ask dd what she's going to do next. "Stop!" "Good girl! Aren't you clever to remember that! Then what's next?" etc.

Touch wood, it seems to be working quite well.

I think that jerking a child by the arm is far WORSE than a smack and easier to misjudge - particularly as a friend dislocated her son's arm doing this when he was a toddler!

I'm all in favour of a sharp slap on the wrist on occasion and have done this on RARE occasions when dd has done something v. dangerous (putting a laburnum stick from the garden into her mouth comes to mind).

Yeah well, as I said all children are different and unless anyone has another idea then maybe i need to pursue my line of discipline. I see nobody came up with any ideas! I worry that the generation before us were quite handy with a sharp tap or worse and we all seem to be ok. Its the state of teenagers and young adults now that worries me with all this politically correct stuff. You simply have to do what works for you.

Tanzie
What kind of mother burns hr child's hand to teach her not to...burn her hand? Kalex might as well push her kids under the traffic to teach them not to run into the road!
(I know you are not ADVOCATING the hand burning technique!)
Good grief!

Thank you all for your comments, they have all given me pause for thought

PS PMSL at your comment about a main road Bensmum3, although surely cows could be quite lethal too = joke

And yes you are all right, its not the 7 year old, it;s the 3 year old,

Reins though, lead to an instant temper tantrum is the house, which if I am honest makes me want to smack him more

LittleStarsweeper, I think plenty of people came up with suggestions, what about all the advice to talk it through, praise good behaviour yadeyadeyade?

WCL, I have tried that. He fully understands but simply misbehaves. The next thing will be that he is doing it for attention. He is an only child and has my full attention so that one doesnt wash. He knows when he is wrong cos he tells me it was wrong and continues to do it!

Message withdrawn

LSS ~ What sort of things does he do that you want to change?

This chap is my guru and it might help (or you might think it is a load of bollocks!):

www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

I've not hit my DS and he is a very well behaved little boy, he is nearly 4 and of course he has his moments and behaves like a 4 year old at times (had major meltdown at the sports centre today and we had to go home).

The kids of today that go off the rails do tend to have had unstable homelifes, social/emotional difficulties but I do tend to think that most children don't grow up to be delinquents and if parents are consistent then kids do tend to know their boundaries and behave age appropriately (imo and based on purely my own life experiences and kids/parents I know).

I will try everything. My frustration is that I know he knows what he is doing, I truly do. He sometimes acts like you would a teenager to act in that knowing ive got you over a barrel way and what you gonna do about it. Very unnerving.

off to look at DR Sears.

Well i'm no expert, but I hope the Dr Sears stuff come sin hand - good luck!

I have always told my ds from when he was first walking that he must always stay on the path and stop at the kerb, and explained to him the dangers of the road, he is almost 4 now and he has never run into the road, and always stops at the kerb, he even sings the wiggles song when he does. "stop at the kerb, look both ways, look both ways again etc. I have never smacked him and personally i do not agree with smacking, i think explaining what they should do, rather than telling them what not to do, works best for me.