Over a decade ago I became pregnant as a result of passion and stupidity For complicated reasons I found out I was pregnant at a time when my boyfriend was away. I found out alone and I kept it to myself for several days before telling him. He was very worried about it too (we were young - not teenagers but damn close and I had uni to finish and he didn't have a permanent job) but basically he was great and we talked and agreed to keep our child - who is now an utterly marvellous person and a total blessing to the world. So that's all ok BUT the things that come back to me are the things associated with this time, things that happened. First and foremost is my parents reaction - it was dreadful. But coming a close second is the sheer trauma of the things I did and thought I should do. I did two pregnancy tests in public loos because I didn't want to risk my parents finding the tests at home. Do you know how much you can cry silently in a public loo - I do.
I went to the GP before telling BF - I suppose I thought that was what you did. The gp was cold - and it's only TODAY that I've really realised how cold. I asked her if she would do another test (I'd done one at that point) and she said 'oh no, the test will be right, there's no getting out of it that way' She talked about how I could action a termination if I wanted and I think I asked her what I should do because I didn't know. I really didn't know. She said that being at uni wasn't the worst reason in the world for ending a pregnancy. I just look back and I feel so bad for myself so alone - it just kills me to think about it now but I managed ok at the time. Just would hate to see anybody I knew and loved in that position alone.
I think I'm posting just to vent this because it was the hardest thing and I did it alone and I wish I hadn't had to.
Most of the time it's fine but then sometimes it just jumps out and I have to push it away or I end up crying (like now) Does anyone know what I mean - I'm not sure I do tbh.