father favouritism

[Trifle]

I have 2 boys aged 2 and 3.5 and generally we all get on fine. I am very active with them, taking them out daily to parks, play areas, toddler groups etc etc. I am quite strict and only give them sweets on a saturday and might concede if it is hot to buy them a lolly but never shove crisps, chocolate, sweets down them at any other time and they know not to ask any more as the answer is always no. However when it comes to their father I am virtually invisible. We went out for the day on sunday and from the minute they get in the car (I am not allowed to put them in their car seats, take them out or do their straps up as they insist daddy does that or all hell breaks loose) they contniually vie for his attention. He decided to carry one (as he always does which is completely beyond me, the youngest is 2.5 stone so a fair weight) so the eldest starts whining and complaining until he swops over and carries him instead which results in the younger one whining until the situation is reversed and this goes on all day. I never carry them as they are too heavy and they have 2 perfectly good legs each but he just cant see that saying no and not carrying them would be a better option. I get relegated to pram pushing as both constantly demand crisps, sweets, lollies which he buys in copious amounts. Why should I always be the big bad wolf who is ignored, pushed away and have to listen to the continual pestering and whining of 2 boys whose rivalry when their father is around is infuriating. My partner says he hates day trips together as he feels stressed at the tension between us if he doesnt comply with my rules. I know I'm not always right but I just cant face weekends when I'm ignored by 2 boys who seems to like me during the week and who dump me for a father who doesnt play with them, never reads them stories or play football with them but whose philosphy is if they're yelling feed 'em, if they're not then feed them just in case they feel like it. So incredibly frustrating and depressing.

Trifle, in your position I'd be mightily peed off. Have you tried talking to your partner about how undermining his behaviour is and how you need his support and back up? I think it's often the case that the parent who spends most time with the children ends up doing most of the law enforcement/teeth cleaning/boring but important stuff and the other one gets to do the fun stuff and be 'good cop'. I'm separated from ds's father and so I know the feeling - he does lots of treat things on his weekends with ds and I do the boring stuff the rest of the time. Ex dh does however, completely back me up on discipline issues and would never contradict me in front of ds on an issue like food. I think you need to talk to your partner and explain how his behaviour makes you feel and the reasons behind your rules (if he doesn't already know them). What happens if you ask him for his support? I'd also be tempted in your position to go away for a few days on my own and leave him to cope with them alone. See how he copes with the reality of having to carry them everywhere for 3 days solid! But that's not terribly constructive Good luck sorting this out.

I think that it just works this way sometimes, Trifle. You are always there for them, and they know that, but it does mean you end up being treated a bit like the furniture. Whereas daddy is not always there, and is a bit of a pushover when he is there - and thus is in demand when he is around.
I'm trying to think of helpful advise, but am finding it hard. Perhaps if you were to just chill out a bit and not let it hurt you so much? It DOESN'T mean that they love him more than they do you - probably quite the opposite - so why not let your partner be the one who does most of the chid things at the weekend, whilst you drift along in their wake? And if they are going to be given sweeties etc by their father at the weekend, then can you speak to him, agree an acceptable limit, and then you can sometimes be the one to provide them? I don't know if this is helpful at all, but I think it is just one of those things - children are like this - and the fact that you (totally understandably) resent it is causing a tension between your whole family that probably makes things worse.
I do know how you feel (a bit, anyway). My ds would like to go and live with his grandma, please, beause she lets him watch TV all day, feeds him a diet of sweets and ice cream and, apparently, NEVER tells him off. (These are the reasons he goves, anyway....)

In some ways, Trifle, it's very common. I'm not sure how much time dad spends with your children, so I'm assuming alot here, but what we call 'entertainer' fathering is a response many men use to get a quick route into their children's affections, and is often a mechanism for countering a lack of time with the children.

When you spend alot of time with kids, you do take on alot more responsibillity for diet, health, discipline etc, and in many ways your relationship with them is more serious and often not fun at all. You are able to do this because the strength of your relationship is there - there is very little insecurity in your attachment and so you can be harsh without threatening the relationships.

For people with very little time with their children (a common situation for dads), a very quick route to children's affections is to be massively fun to be with - providing all kids of treats etc etc. It was something that emerged within fathering in the 1920s, when (particularly in America), the idea of the 'playmate' dad was born - dad would be there for the 'light stuff' - fun and games etc). So this idea has wormed its way into our cultural understandings of a fathers role, and many dads think that part of what it means to be a dad is to be fun etc... Personally I think it's a response to lack of time - a compensation to accelarate the relationship.

I tend to think it's a response to an insecure relationship - it's largely subcounscious - and its what parents do when they are very anxious about their children's affections. (This is not to say we ALL play and are fun with children - of course we do, but for most of us who do alot of the parenting, this is a smaller percentage of the relationship than for those with much less time with the kids).

The big problem for 'entertainer' dads is when the kids hit the teenage years. This is for a number of reasons...

• Many kids become bigger than their mums and mothers (or primary carers), who have done most of the discipline, start wanting more backup and support on the discipline front (this is the route of the 'wait till your father comes home' thing.... From the kids point of view, dad (who is all about fun) suddenly starts getting involved in all this boundaries and punishment business much more - and the kids resent it because the relationship is not like that to them...

• Teenagers need serious support on serious issues - life is very tough for them, and they need a parent (when they want, of course), who they can share really difficult intimate stuff with. The parent who has based their relationship on being fun and giving treats etc does not tend to have the kind of relationship that has the depth necessary to deal with this stuff, and many dads find their relationships with their kids breaking down in the teenage stage, for this reason.

So....

I would be careful of being jealous - look closer at what is happening here - and in some ways, there are reasons to sympathise with dad. He has less opportunity to develop his relationship with his boys, and in what time he does have, he is trying a more direct route. Of course, when he's around, he's more popular, because he is the one providing the lifts, the treats etc etc...

Some communication and compromise is needed....

I'd suggest...

1. You pick on 2 or 3 rules that you'd really like him to back up - as a baseline. Sit down with him and explain why those rules are so important to you, and DON'T ask him to comply with any others - just those 2 or 3. Make it easy - us blokes like that...

2. Realise yourself what is happening is a response to his lack of time - he's trying to win his boys affection, and he's got less opportunity to do it than you. You need to respect that and let him 'win' his children's affections - you've got all week, he's only got the weekend. If you support your kids relationship with him, they will be the winners.

3. (And this is the difficult bit) - In the end, if his relationship with them is dominated by this fun/treats style, he will lose out with his kids, as they won't have enough of a real relationship with him. To avoid this, you have to draw him into the responsibility for the kids and the decisions you make - and explaining them to the kids etc - so that his relationship with them can have more 'serious' content. For example - if they need jabs - get him to explain why and take a morning off work to take them - that kind of thing. It will make his relationship with them more real and help them all in the long term..

Woops - sorry about the dissertation!
Hope that's (at least partly) relevant