feeling devastated

[taboo]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this message but here goes anyway.

Dh and I haven't been getting along well for a few months now and there is so much tension at home. Sometimes it's ok but other times we just seem to be at each other's throats, hence lots of yelling and name-calling. I just feel heartbroken for my young son. He's 3.5 and last night I saw him hold a cushion over his head while we were arguing, probably to block out the noise. I cannot explain how devastated I feel that I am allowing my son to witness these ridiculous fights.

I spent the rest of the night playing with him and cuddling him, trying to reassure him. But I can't get rid of the guilt and the thought that this may be adversely affecting him. I have vowed so many times NOT to do it anymore, but I seem to have reached the end of my tether with dh, who is quite manipulative and never does what he says he's going to do. He's broken promises to me numerous times and I don't trust anything he says anymore. We used to have a decent relationship until we had one setback after another, and things have gone downhill rapidly.

I have cried my eyes out over this because I only ever wanted the best for ds. Thank you for listening and I hope that someone can offer me some encouragement... I feel really worthless for not protecting my son from all this.

Oh, Taboo, I'm so sorry, please try not to feel guilty because you are in a highly stressful situation and you are not deliberately distressing your ds. That said, I think your instincts are right and your concern for his emotional well-being not misplaced.
Do you feel your relationship with your dh is salvageable, or worth salvaging? Is there any way forward from the setbacks you have recently had (relocation/job-seeking for either or both of you, for example?)
You need to find a neutral space where you can discuss the problems in your relationship and I would guess that counselling might help. Even if you decide you feel it is best to split up, counsellors can help you both find a way through the process that will hopefully keep things on an even keel for your sake and your ds'. Hopefully your dh might see reason and agree to couples' counselling, even if he is not being very pleasant at the moment.
Above all, it sounds to me like you DO want the best for ds. If you are thinking about how to move on from this situation with minimal impact on your son, then you are NOT a worthless parent.
I guess I'm lucky to have avoided this kind of crisis so far in my own marriage but there are many resolute and wonderful people on Mumsnet who have been through or are experiencing similar difficulties. I hope some of them spot your post soon and and can post some good advice for you. Take care.

Sorry things are so awful. My h and I have split so in a rather different situation. If you do go to counselling do your best to find a great counsellor. I wish I'd researched this better. Would he go with you? Can you draw up an agreement not to argue, at least in front of ds? Can you spend a w/end together to discuss your problems - find out what they are? Children can make any attempt to talk even more stressful/you're so tired you can't discuss the issues properly. They also add a lot of stress to what sounds like a very difficult time anyway. But that's difficult to recognise sometimes. Take care.

Please do go to counselling - alone if necessary. My parents fought a lot and I can vividly remember how awful it was. However, they did it for years, which was the real problem. I think the odd row is normal and natural and not harmful, it's continuing conflict that really hurts (from my experience). I would much rather my parents divorced reasonably amicably than carried on hating each other and fighting, so I don't think splitting up is always the end of the world. I think the fact that you are so aware of your child means you won't carry on like this. I wish my parents had been able to show so much empathy as you do for your ds - they were just too emotionally wrapped up in their own problems.

Taboo - Sorry it's all so sh*t just now. I swear your message could've been mine 6 months ago!

I can't give you any real advice on how to resolve your situation coz everyones is just so different. For dp and I it was definitely lack of communication (apart from shouting and throwing things!) and my PND that caused it.

I just want to reassure you that you are NOT a bad parent for arguing in front of you ds. 95% of families will have this. It is perfectly normal and I'm sure that your ds knows how much you both love him. My ds is just 2 and I remember one argument where he stood in between us screaming and crying!! I was totally disgusted with our behaviour. You are human..... humans argue.

Try not to focus too much on that and more on why your relationship with dh has deteriorated so much. Do you both still love each other and want to make a go of it?

True words Aloha! My parents fought and awful lot and for years you could see the hatred they have for each other....... they still do! It was horrible.

BUT... again most arguing is normal and as long as you do still love each other and want to try then you should try counselling like Aloha suggested.

Poor old taboo. I'm so sorry things are so horrible for you right now. It sounds as if after this particularly bad night you'll be able to protect your son from witnessing things before they get too nasty. You've seen his sad reaction and it's broken your heart and you and your dh will have to do something about it now. You are NOT a worthless person.

Taboo, I'm really sorry to hear you're having a tough time at home atm. I thought it was really good to hear you say how much effort you put into looking after your ds after the argument. I remeber as a child witnessing a few bad arguments bwn parents, but was never comforted like that. i think as an adult I maybe wouldn't even remeber the incidents now if they had been followed by such love.

Your son is lucky to have such a conscientious mother. I hope that you can sort it out with dh, one way or aanother & I hope he acknowledges that the arguments shouldn't take place in front of son (although he could well still pick up on tension, so of course needs sorting for all your sakes).

All the best, & hope things pick up for you soon.

Taboo - like all the other posters here, i am so sorry to read that you are having such a terrible time. Life sounds tough enough for you right now just worrying and dealing with your relationship with DH without having the added burden of guilt worrying about your son?s reactions.
I thought that my mum and dad had the most perfect relationship ever and have never ever heard them fight which I admit i took for granted when I was a child - only very recently (when I was seeking comfort from my mum after a fight with DH) did i find out that their marriage was far more normal than that and full of ups and downs. She told me that they went through a really rough patch when we were little and that they used to go into the garage in the evening to argue! She told me that it took all her strength to wait till we got to bed and that she was often desperate for us to drop off so she could have some issue out with my dad but that it worked for them. They made a pact that they realised they were going through a rough patch but both wanted to stick it out and try to make it work, at the same time they agreed that however burning the issue, they would never argue knowingly in front of the children. I know this is a tall order but it might be worth you finding a quieter more calm moment with DH and explain how upset you are that your fights could affect your son. if you are careful to let him know he isn?t being blamed or accused and it is a joint responsibility, he might agree to a family rule of time out until your son is fast asleep. We now try to operate this rule (very hard at times) and I admit we are not always successful twhich does upset me, but it does make me feel better knowing we are both making the effort to keep her out of it. the time i spend waiting for her to fall asleep often means that the initial argument seems a bit petty in hindsight or that we just don?t feel annoyed anymore - quite a few potential massive fights have just fizzled out thanks to the delay.
Hope that helps - not trying to be patronising or state the obvious, just genuinely trying to help by letting you know what sort of works for us - not that we are perfect (far from it!) Whatever you do, good luck.

Thank you all for your kind responses.

The thing that's been worrying me as well, is that ds is usually quite gentle and placid with other children, but he's recently started to be more aggressive. I've had a couple of reports recently about him hitting, and it's not something I've had to worry about before. I suppose I am wondering if this recent aggression has anything to do with our arguments, or whether it is simply a phase that some boys go through. It's awful to be told that your child is hitting other children, especially when it's been so out of character.

As far as the marriage goes, I think it may help if I see a counsellor but I doubt that dh would want to do that, so I may have to go alone. We just seem to have reached a stalemate situation... I have a lot of resentment that's built up over the years and he refuses to acknowledge that he's even part of the problem. I also can't believe what bad luck we've had over the past seven or eight months, it's almost like we are just not meant to succeed in this relationship..

Didn't mean to put that smiley face there....

I was in a bit of a hurry earlier but I meant to say that Monkey, your post meant a lot to me and helped me to feel a bit better about the situation, and Stripymouse I didn't find your post patronising at all, it was actually sound advice that I have tried to follow myself in the past. But as you say, it's hard when a potential argument happens on the spur of the moment and you have to force yourself to 'put it off' until later - which is why unfortunately I haven't always stuck to doing it. But I will definitely make a concerted effort after finding myself so upset over this... thanks everyone again, it's great to receive such warm encouragement. Like some of you, my parents also used to fight quite a lot and my father seemed to be in a consisently bad mood for years, hence I wish to save my son the pain and insecurity that I felt.

A close family member of mine has just come out of similar circumstances taboo. One useful thing she told me was that she now knows in hindsight that keeping feelings in and not being bothered to argue is worse and they had gone past the arguementative point and just didn't talk. They had a separation -(not suggesting you do this) and have just got back together this week. It took them a long time but they are now togther because they want to be.
You will be happy at the other side, you have recognised the problem and you can only go in one direction be it together or a new life separatley.
Don't know if this helps at all as it is such a difficult time for you all, your hubby too.
Lots of love
xxxx