How do I deal with my racist pig of a father?

[CountessDracula]

God he drives me bonkers. I have had so many fallings out with him in the past about this, with particular flash points in my life eg when I got mugged by black kids in Brixton and twatted on the head with a baseball bat, whenever there is obvious racial tension of any description that make the news, 9/11 and now these bombings.

He is almost 70, I am not going to change his opinions. He is also a hypocrite - he has a black neighbour and an Indian one to whom he is delightful (presumably in his book it is ok to be from a different ethnic origin if you are a barrister or a TV producer living in a small hamlet in Hampshire as these two are). I don't want dd growing up hearing his crap but I don't want her to miss out on her grandfather who is quite delightful in many other ways.

The night of these recent bombings, I got home after being stuck in the city for 10 hours, he had called dh and been racist and really pissed him off. I called him back and all he could do was say "see I was right there are too many of these people over here, send them back" etc. He then asked when I was going to move out of that "rat hole" (london) to which my response was along the lines of "I would rather stay here with normal non-bigoted people around me and get blown up than move to somewhere where it is socially acceptable to be a racist"

So, I know next time I see him, he is going to be a nightmare about this. He is coming up for dh's bday at the end of the month. I am considering calling him and saying that he is not welcome unless he keeps his opinions to himself. Is this over reacting? Is he entitled to his opinions (obviously he is) but is it OTT to demand that he alters his behaviour when he is in my house? He has never been like this towards me, he has always taken me for what I am.

I am in a quandry and need wise mumsnetters advice.

(I have even considered making a citizen's arrest for incitement to racial hatred, or shopping him to his neighbours to whom his is so two-faced!!!!)

Tracy I have tried that numerous times.

He is not really as bad as I make out, I can stop him and he will stop if I am firm. It's just that he gets a bit out of hand sometimes like after these bombs. I'm sure a lot of it is just his concern for us living up here with all this. I just wish he would display it in a differnet way! I also feel rather pissed off that he is using all these bombs as a justification for his racist views

Haven't tried smiling blankly, maybe I will go for that.

Maybe I should email this thread to him!

Cd, I don't have any advice hon' but just want to say that I think you're great. i love that you obviously love him but don't put up with his viws. Many people would just accept it from their old fashioned parents, amke excuses but not you and I think that's great. You can't do much more than ask him to stop and stay strong and contine to raise your DD with your beliefs. The way you speak about him show's your angry but also that you have humour and that you love him despite everything. I think that's great.
TC x

I am quite lucky with my mum & dad but we had a flashpoint probably 25+ years ago, over that bloke who was keeper of the Queen's pictures and a spy .. my dad said, "and, to make it worse, he's one of those" - and to my amazement, all four of his children instantly jumped on him, without I recall thinking first. I think he was shocked that his only-just teenage children had such strong opinions - and to do him all the credit in the world he took it on board and changed his tune.

At the end of the month we're taking ds's gay godfather up to visit them and he is wholeheartedly welcome.

So: maybe you should prime your dd to squeak "Grandpa! How could you!!"

Thanks TC

I am just going to be very firm I think. And try not to get wound up.

My mum is of the "I'm not racist but" brigade. Hence, she hasn't seen dd for almost a year. I'm gutted but I and dw won't have it.

To be honest, it was dw's decision but I do agree with it. My mum has been told and told not to say the things she does but until we stopped her seeing dd, she never took our feelings seriously.

Dinosaur, it's no loss to dd if she has no contact with someone who didn't think it was right to have a mixed race baby, is it?

I think that's a bit hardline as well. Everyone is entitiled to their opinion, and I would think a relationship with a grandchild is more important.

It's a long story, starting with my mum disapproving of my relationship with dw from the beginning purely because of her skin colour. Add that to her lack of sympathy when dw miscarried and only wanting to see dd once her friends had told her small minded she was being. To turn it on it's head, why should dd be made to get on with someone who thinks her very existance is wrong?

She says that she has finally seen the error of her ways, following a heated exchange of letters between her and dw. It will take some time for myself and dw to believe that she really has changed, though.

I've not read it all but TraceyK and Suzy seem like sensible responses.

You love your family - warts and all - what can you do?

Sorry I wasn't saying that our response was the right one for everyone. Didn't mean to hijack.

Me too. I've given her some recent photos so things are thawing a little.