Parents in law problems - any advice ? Bit long im afraid.

[Tillysmummy]

I am have written about my parents in law before and they are generally very helpful great people who are very kind and whom we see a lot. They come down at least once a week to see dd and often babysit if we ask. Because they live a way a way they nearly always stay and sometimes this gets on my nerves but there isn't much I can do. I have two things getting on my nerves at the moment and I don't know quite the best way to deal with the situations and im sure Mumsnet will come to the rescue.

Firstly, they are coming down tomorrow to look after dd because I have to go to Ascot with work (what a hardship!) and Thursday's is normally one of my days off. My grandmother also comes to help because I am not confident of them looking after dd on their own. DD is 21 months and obviously as she is a toddler is fairly full on. My MIL is actually the more sensible of the two and is very good with DD but is hampered by her obesity and is unable to move quickly or mucyh for that matter or pick her up. FIL is very sweet and means very well albeit very stubborn and a bit daft at times. DH said last night that he had had a few words with his mum on the phone yesterday about them looking after her tomorrow. She had said that FIL would take DD to the park and he had said that I preferred he didn't. When asked why he explained and I don't think it went down too well. She said 'we're lucky we're allowed to come down at all' laced with sarcasm of course, because I wouldn't let him take dd to the park. Here are my reasons. Please tell me honestly if you think im not being reasonable:-

1. We recently stayed with PIL when we were moving house. I went for a walk with FIL and dd and he was pushing the buggy. He pushed the buggy in the road when crossing the road to go to the dip in the kerb rather than tipping the buggy up to go back on the pavement immediately. He did this several times despite my asking him not to and pushed her in the road for quite a while. I lost my temper and told him to push her on the pavement. I think this was bloody stupid of him.
2. When he was playing with her again at their house in the front garden twice she ran into the road and MIL was shouting at him to get her off I was then alerted and when I saw it had a fit. He and she said that it was ok because it wasn't a busy road. I say that is again pig ignorant and ABSOLUTELY not ok. I explained that that is not the point, the point is she is NEVER to go in the road however big or small and she must learn that now.

These are my reasons for not wanting him to take her out on his own. I don't trust him to be sensible. I know he doesn't mean any harm but frankly I don't trust him.

How should I deal with it if they raise it again tonight ? When DH said he had spoken to her yesterday about it they left it with her saying 'we'll see'. He had said to her frankly they should respect my wishes and that's absolutely how I feel. I shouldn't have to repeatedly ask them to do things. Im her mother and if I say no to something that should be it.

Am I being unfair and how should I deal with it without hurting feelings tonight ?

Difficult one. To be honest, I think the buggy in the road thing MAY be a bit of an overreaction, because I think it is extremely unlikely that he is going to allow himself and the buggy to get run over, if he has even one iota of roadsense. So I can see it would be incredibly irritating if you were with him when he did it - along the lines of "why the hell won't you use the pavement if it is there?" but I don't really think it is dangerous.

The running in the road thing is COMPLETELY not on, and I quite agree with you. And I think you can use this to get your MIL on side. Give her a ring, and say I understand dh spoke to you last night and gave you a few reasons why I'm concerned about FIL taking dd to the park. Actually, it really just boils down to one thing - I was really concerned about her running into the road the last time he was down - it keeps me awake at night thinking about it. I know he thinks it isn't a busy road but it only takes one car and one child in the wrong place, and (lie here if you have to) a child was hit by a car 2 streets away a couple of months ago. I'm sure you understand because you are just as sensible as I am - but I don't think he really understands the danger. What do you suggest?"
And then talk about it with her. And she will either go to the park with him, or give him a lecture about road sense, and then I think you ought to let him take her to the park - because after all they are her grandparents and have her best interests at heart almost as much as you and you need to trust them I think.

Interested to know what everyone else thinks

my favourite subject
seriously tho,tillysmum i was the same with the IL when my dd was younger,FIL would leave front door wide open,stairgates open,tools lying around,medicines, etc,i kept telling him but to no avail,i never trusted him to look after the children,i wouldnt trust my dad either as hes also getting old and very forgetful,the only thing you can do is insist on your granmother going along to the park as well to keep an extra eye on dd,if your FIL is as stubborn as mine he will take her to the park no matter what you say so better make sure he doesn`t go on his own

Right, honestly? I think you are being a tad unreasonable but I do understand where you're coming from and the fear for your dd's safety. The wheeling the buggy in the road briefly while there were (presumably) no cars coming isn't such a big deal I don't think. I assume he wasn't really endangering her life, just making things easier for himself for a bit while waiting to get to the dipped bit? I do see what you mean about the letting her on the road or not watching her enough to stop her though when she was at their house. This is dangerous. Could you come to a compromise and say yes of course they can take her to the park but please would they promise you they'll use the buggy to get there and back? Presumably no harm can come to her once they're there? I would tell them you're thrilled they're helping you out (I assume you are?) and you're sorry if you sound overly concerned to them but could they just bear with you and agree to your safety rules? tbh my mum would lose it with me if I suggested that she wasn't allowed to take her grandson to the park but my dad was a bit lacksadaisical about these things and I wouldn't necessarily have trusted him as much to have noticed the things I might notice. I think maybe we see danger coming better than grandparents do sometimes because we've been dealing with it more recently. I don't blame them for being a bit peed off on the phone though if they were offering to do you a favour and take your dd out and your dh was telling them they couldn't.

Hmmmm.... I'd say I'm with you on 2. but not so much with 1.

You're right about running in the road - best they learn not to do it in ANY road rather than rely on their judgement as to whether a road is busy or not. I've been teaching DSs road safety in a large carpark near us which ahs pavements and zebra crossings; lots of parked cars, a few moving ones and very little danger - perfect for training.

The pushing the buggy in the road one... I assume he was near the kerb when doing this and not in the middle of the carriageway. I wouldn't have a problem with this taken at face value.

Let your FIL take your DD to the park but sit down with him and discuss ground rules beforehand. Try to do this without "lecturing" him IYKWIM! It's very difficult... I cringe at some of the things DH does with our DSs. Your FIL loves your DD and would obviously not do anything to harm her - and I assume your PIL managed to raise your DH to adulthood without major mishap

So, a split decision from me!

Thanks for the quick responses ladies. A big can of worms is opening now and all my other irritations are going to come out, I can just feel it.

Princesspeahead - I would love MIL to go and said that to dd. Truth is she's too fat. She can't even walk two steps without barely being able to breathe. She just sits around all day and eats.

Whymummy I agree and that's exactly the problem. I think men of our fathers generations has less to do with the kids and therefore have less sense although they mean no harm. I wouldn't leave her with my dad either. Grandmother can't go to the park, she is fairly crap at walking too far and it's bit of a way. She's also a real worry wort and worries about him doing stupid things and not feeling she can say anything.

WWW - I think you are right, maybe I am being a bit unreasonable but her safety is paramount and when i start thinking about it I just get so worked up and worried. I will mention it to MIL and I think she does understand because at the time of the road incident she was shouting at him but when talking to dh last night she said it's not a busy road and she couldn't see what the fuss was about so it seems she is taking his side / opinion on it.

They are doing us a favour and I do appreciate it but at the same time, my mum often does us favours and looks after dd 3 days a week but respects my wishes.

Also while Im having a rant I think that I am fairly tolerant. They come down every week and always stay. I have to put up with it but I don't know any other PIL that visit so much. DH says its great because they are free babysitters but sometimes I would rather pay £10 and know I could have my house back at the end of the evening ! I know im probably sounding like a spoilt cow but there are other things and I have to rant somewhere to avoid pissing dh off to much. MIL has terrible incontinence problem and smells really strongly of wee. I've asked dh to have a subtle word with his dad after all these things can be easily and hygienically dealt with (pads for example) - she is in denial like she is about her weight, she alwasy pretends she's not overweight when the doctors have told her it is life threatening. The wee thing is grim and as we've just moved and got lovely new sofas etc I don't want her weeing all over them to be frank. I wouldn't let dd do it so same rule applies to her I think.
Also FIL often wreaks of BO. I do feel sorry for them both and they are VERY kind people. It just gets a bit much when they are down for 2 days every week. I feel a bit suffocated. Im sure that I sound like a right cow but it's just irritating.
The problem with me asking FIL to do something or not to do something is that I have a very strong feeling that he would do it anyway. It's like him putting her on his shoulders when she was a very small baby and me saying it was dangerous etc and he kept doing despite my warnings. AAARRGGGGG !

Hi Soupdragon, it seems that quite a few of you agree so I think maybe I need to tone down my worrying a bit. I come from a background of intense worriers (my grandmother and to a lesser degree my mum) and I normally tell them not to be so silly and such worry warts but perhaps its rubbing off on me !

They did raise DH very well (considering !) and I think that maybe I am doing them a slight injustice it's just I do so worry about her safety with him because he's not quite up to the mark. Perhaps im just too much of a control freak and I should let them have more of a free reign ?
It certainly causes tensions between dh and I.

Oh dear TM, I didn't realise she was so overweight that she couldn't walk. And the incontinence thing....
You sound like you put up beautifully with an awful lot in my opinion! Oh dear, have run out of advice faced with the full facts... good luck!

Princesspeahead, I don't really put up with that much. I feel a bit bad really bitching about them when they are always happy to help and do favours. It just all adds to the irritation, know what I mean ? I am going to heed everyone's good advice I think and tactfully ask them to abide by certain rules and hope it works. I know i'll be worrying all day anyway though.

Tillysmummy I can understand your worry & irritation. My situation is different in that it's my parents who look after ds (3 yrs) quite a lot and I tend to see them at least a couple of times every week.

My mother, I have to say, wins hands down in the 'daft' department. Because she does a lot of craft/sewing, She ALWAYS has scissors lying around the place, not to mention pins & a variety of cutting other implements. The number of times I have watched ds pick up some scissors at her place and run off with them, while she carries on with what she's doing and seems oblivious to what's going on. She also once gave him a small bottle of pins to play with (!!!!!!!!), and a few times she's given him a glass to drink out of. They also do not have any childproof locks on any of their cupboards or doors, so as far as I'm concerned it's a wonder he manages to make it home every week without any injuries. Thankfully my father is much more 'diligent' than my mother and tends to keep a close eye on ds, so if anything happened and my dad wasn't around anymore, I really don't know that I would trust my mother to take care of ds on her own!

Anyway after that long ramble I can understand how hard it must be when they're not your own parents - at least I feel reasonably comfortable telling my parents when I don't approve of something they're doing, without them taking offence. They are very kind for being so helpful to you and your dh, but I do understand your feelings at the same time - every week is a lot for them to be staying with you.

Tillysmummy Re: IL's coming down for 2 days every week: I don't think you sound ungrateful - they are invading your space especialy with the new sofa's.......Don't have any advice, sorry - I hope it gets better!!

I think we've got to accept that 'toddler sense' vanishes when you no longer have young children - and in the case of grandfathers was often not there to start with. My mother kindly organised my bathroom last week, prettily arranging all the poisonous cleaning fluids, razors and blades on the lowest shelf at toddler height - ready for DS (2.5) to play with.

Because of this loss of safety awareness that seems to afflict many otherwise caring and careful people, I think that every parent has got to make their own assessment of whether their own parents or in-laws are appropriate, safe carers, and act according to that assessment.

In practice, Tillysmummy, I agree with wickedwaterwitch's advice, and would go the gentle route, but would keep to a bare minimum the amount of time that your in-laws are left 'home alone'.

Oh - and about the wee, perhaps you could get some leaflets about incontinence and leave them lying about, or ask your DH to have a quiet word...? I'd definitely try to take some action about that - maybe even have a word yourself - perhaps putting the problem in terms of a third party 'friend' whose life is so much better now that she's solved this problem, and how easy it all was... Ummm maybe not.... I'll never make it as an agony aunt!

Holly02 your post made me laugh ! My mum also looks after dd 3 days a week but is most diligent and sometimes too cautious.
Griffy, problem with incontinence thing is DH said he doesn't know how to say it and he doesn't have that sort of relationship with his parents. I've said that's no excuse and perhaps he can mention it quietly to his dad who can then tell his mum. He thinks I should do it and I said no way ! Their his parents !
It's not just the sofas. They sleep in our spare room which all our friends and other family also use and I've had to put a waterproof sheet on the bed. I don't know about leaving the leaflets around. I think if he doesn't say anything to his dad this week i will. I thought about leaving some pads lying around but he said that would be too mean.

I'm afraid this is older people. My grandma used to pass hot tea over the baby's head. My dad once left DD (11 months) in the bath while he went to the kitchen to wash up! (I nearly had heart failure when I found out, & didn't leave her with him again.)

I can understand where you are coming from completely. With regard to the buggy and the curb thing, is it maybe the act itself that wasn't so dangerous but you wonder where else he's going to cut corners in the child care stakes? It's also hard when we try so diligently to impress the imporantce of road safety, staying to the footpath, etc. and then someone contradicts your hard work by using the road instead, potentially confusing your child.

I too, don't want my in-laws looking after my DS. It hasn't come to it yet, but I am perfectly happy to be made to look a paranoid mother rather than cause friction between DH and his parents.
I don't have to say that I don't trust them... just that I don't really trust anyone and I know that I may be being irrational, but that's just me. It's one thing I know I won't back down on (for a very specific reason) and if it makes life easier with DH and his parents to be seen to have an overly cautious wife then so be it.

Just because your inlaws do you favours doesn't mean that they can hold you to ransom and have it all their own way. Are you able to have a weekend without them every now and then?

tillysmummy on the incontinence subject why don`t you ask her for advice pretending you also have that problem since having dd and ask her what she uses for it and how uncomfortable it is etc, a little white lie is better than telling her that she smells