Nosy people, stupid comments

[Pj]

Soon I will punch someone! My dear, beautiful 1 yr old son has severe eczema and is 'wet wrapped' or bandaged from head to toe. This treatment involves lots of time, lots of tears, hospital blood tests, regular antibiotics and sleepless nights. I can handle all this but to add to my load, I have constant, ignorant comments from passers-by. Yesterday for example, I had these two conversations within ten minutes

nosy passer by 1 "Oh, has your baby got sunburn, he is so red?"

me "no madam it is not sunburn it is severe eczema."

nosy passer by 2 "your baby is crying because he is overdressed, poor thing"

me "no madam he is crying because his eczema is badly infected, he is covered up to protect the bandages."

What do I say to these people? Would they comment so freely on a teenager with acne? or an overweight child? How about someone in a wheelchair? Why do they think they can approach me with these insensitive questions? I also had shop assistants on the same trip (one in Boots, one in Sainsburys) patting my son with lots of "oh, poor thing" "poor you" etc... I do not want my son to grow up being self-conscious because of his skin so how do I tell people politely to butt out?

I am letting off steam a bit but interested in any other people who have had similar responses.

That sounds awful for you PJ. I'm not sure I have any advice as I haven't been in a similar position but I would like to ask what sort of approach you would like from strangers (if any) just to avoid myself causing upset in similar circumstances. Would you rather folk ignore your son or just say a simple friendly hello. I worry about this because I am conscious of people with disabled children sometimes complaining that other paretns ignore their offspring and so always make an affort to have a smile and a chat in the playground or shop or whatever - I then get all worried that I am being patronising.

I've been there and sympathise Pj. I found a matter-of-fact attitude works best. I mean, if you have skin peeling off you and sores everywhere, why pretend nothing's wrong? Just explain (as you did with "nosy" paser-by no. 1) that it's eczema. Even take the opportunity to point out what a serious condition it can be, eg a casual "Yes, he has eczema, a lot of people think that's just a mild skin rash but for some people it can be very serious". When your son is bigger a laid-back attitude to his eczema "Yeah, I've got eczema, it's a real drag but no big deal" could be a big help for him.

People often don't mean to be "nosy" or critical in any way, they're just trying to express friendly interest and sympathy. Why should we want to stay isolated in our own little boxes with our own private problems? In many other cultures it's much more normal to comment freely on personal appearance etc, and people just accept these things as part of life and nothing to get uptight about.

It's terribly stressful dealing with all the wet-wrapping and seeing your baby in such a state. I do hope he improves soon.

I know what you mean numbat - you see a child in a wheelchair or a little one covered in bandages like Pjs little boy and you want to express some warmth towards them but don't know how to do it without causing offence.

Pj - there is an amzing product called M-folia - it's made from pure extract of Mahonion (sp?) and has had remarkable results.
Please please contact Karen Jackson at [email protected] and ask her to send you through some details.
It's very expensive but I have spoken to people with chronic eczema who say it was a miracle cure. During the first couple of weeks the eczema can get worse, but then it gets better. It's completely natural and can be taken as a tincture as well as a cream - there are no steroids in it or anything like that.
I think if people upset you with what they say you should actually take a deep breath and tell them - believe me it works wonders. You just look them in the face and say 'well actually ..... and it really upsets me when people make comments like that without knowing all the facts.'
Then again you could just be really cool about it and walk away without reaction or letting what they';ve said get to you. Not easy.
Hope he's feeling OK today with it being a bit cooler.

Pj- my hubby has severe psorasis, it's on his arms, legs, head and back. He dreads summer as then he has to wear t-shirts and shorts and he gets stared at all the time. His skin looks like it has been burned.

Most of the comments he gets are from children who say "Urrghh! Look at your skin!" or "Ewww! What's that!" He never gets upset with them, he just explains what it is. Not many adults ask him, they just stare. To the ones that do, again, he tells them of his condition. He would much rather they ask him than stare at him.

Another thing he has to put up with is people thinking that it is catching. He can no longer go swimming as he has to explain each time to the pool attendants that his condition does not pose a threat to other swimmers. Sometimes he has open wounds so you can see their concern.

However, he has put up with this since he was 18 and it had not affected him too much. He still has the confidence to go out in his shorts and t-shirt and he has got used to the stares and questions. He shouldn't have to I know, but it's human nature to be curious, and he just accepts this.

I hope that your little boy fares better. As a mother you must be very protective of him and I can understand how upsetting it must be. Good luck.

Hi PJ (or is it an "I"? My monitor keeps going funny) I've had similar things, not about my child, but about me. I have had total strangers come up and ask me if I'm dying! Imagine if I was, would I really want someone coming up to me and saying that? I have mental health difficulties and skin problems including little hair. Sometimes it is children right in front of their parents. Other times, it is the parents! The worst response was "they are only little" as a child with an "I am 11" badge sat on the bus laughing and pointing at me. Obviously his birthday and his treat of the day was being allowed to pick on total strangers!

I totally sympathise, and I don't mean that in a patronising way.

Hi PJ
I have a friend with an absolutely wonderful mother. When I was having a bad day she told me about one day when her eldest was just a baby. Apparently he cried constantly, and to give herself a break she put him in his cot at the end of the garden where he continued to scream. Just as she sat down with a cup of tea there was a knock at the door. It was a rather disapproving neighbour who asked if she knew that her child was crying. My mums friend (normally v polite) responded with 'of course I f know...why do you think hes at the bottom of the garden??!!!) and promptlyshut the door in her face.
Not the best way to get on with your neighbours......but maybe you could try similar tactics!
By the way, the screaming baby is now a grown up 35 year old who adores his mum....so she must have been doing something right!

Thanks for the responses to my plea. In response, I love to chat and I love people's attention directed at my son but in a positive way for instance "What a lovely smile" in preference to "look at that poor boy". I am sure most people with conditions that set them apart would prefer to be treated as normal (indeed they are normal). So it is not a case of ignoring us but of treating us like any other mother and baby you might see, so, if you would normally stop to chat, please feel free to do so to us but dont make eczema the subject of the conversation, there is so much more to my son that his sore skin. I think we are all getting more isolated as a society and it would be a shame if people became more hesitant about approaching others for fear of causing offence. But there has to be a degree of sensitivity, I accept people's curiosity but if the first thing people see is his skin condition, what self-image problems is my son likely to develop? It also gets quite wearing explaining four or five times within the space of a hour, why wet wraps are necessary. Perhaps I should print an explanatory leaflet to give out.

Last summer when my boy was just a couple of months old he had his first bad eczema breakout.His face was in a terrible state with a raw weeping patch on his cheek,red dry skin and scratches galore.People were always stopping me and asking what was wrong with his face, and offering advice like" you want to put scratch mitts on him".I was even stopped by some neighbours children who must have been seven tops,and asked ' whats the matter with his face ,is he poorly?" when I explained that he was itchy and had been scratching , alittle girl told me to put scratch mitts on him!!! like a little mum!!I felt like screaming sometimes, " do you think I haven't tried that???!!!" Its horrible .All I really wanted was for people to talk to him like they would any other baby, and admire him...because he was my beautiful new baby.Basically i think that the old saying is true " if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" Hopefully things will improve for your son as they have for mine.Its not nearly so bad now.He's very scabby on his legs and feet at the moment and we're having difficulty finding a suncream that doesn't cause a flare up but his face is thankfully scab free!!!

Alexmum, that's terrible. There is a school near me that I have to pass when I go shopping and all the kids stand at the gate giggling away and pointing and whispering. I am seriously thinking of going to the head teacher about it.

I am thinking of writing to whoever is in charge of soap themes - Eastenders has some really daft plots and should concentrate on tackling some of the more common issues. Apparently 1 in 8 children now have eczema but when has it ever featured as a storyline? Perhaps the writers should include a character who goes through the problems we face. After all the soaps pride themselves on bringing an awareness of important issues to the masses.

Batters, I've tried all that! Actually what is quite alarming as well, was say for the sake of argument I really lost my temper and battered one of them (not that I would) there is little supervision and nobody would notice. The kids as young as 5 are just hanging on the school gate. It has a lock but they could leave anytime they wanted. So much for safety.

Jbr, Poor you. It's horrible when you encounter cheek and attitude from young children. It's likely you're not the only passerby they shout at. I think your idea telling the head is a good one. I'd be tempted to let the school try and sort this out.

I agree with Tigermoth. If the head of that school was any good at all, he/she should use this distressing situation for you to teach them all a lesson in respect for diversity in the community. If you feel you owe it to them to go in and put them right, of course, JBR. It would be a more generous act on your part than it sounds like they deserve.

Go for it Pj. It'd be realy good if they'd give people some idea of what serious eczema is like for all concerned. I hope your little one is coping with the hot weather.

Cheers Numbat, he is coping well now we are using wet wraps -what a miracle they are - cant recommend them enough. My son might be bandaged up but the inner layer is kept damp so the skin is wonderfully cool.

With regards to the school sorting out these mouthy 5 year olds, I was a teacher (secondary) and tried different methods to instill respect for others, I tried to tackle bullying on many occasions. Unfortunatley some children are not taught respect for others at home and by the time they get to school, the damage has been done. I am often horrified by the way some parents have a go at their kids and I do think this is part of the problem - if some children do not respect themselves, how can they respect others? Of course this doesnt let schools off the hook and teachers must continue to berate poor behaviour but this will, in my experience, frequently have little or no effect.

Thanks everyone and keep your chin up PJ! I will go and complain next time (and try and keep calm lol!). What doesn't help is some of these kids are with their parents and then they say "they are only little" etc etc.

My point exactly! The parents are very often to blame (not us on Mumsnet of course!). As a teacher I witnessed parents swearing in front of their children (I do too but not so readily and not the really awful words), threatening violence, slagging off teachers, racist comments etc. I just hope I bring my son up to be caring, tolerant and aware. Not so easy I know. Perhaps we should join ranks and piece together a letter to the soap storyline folk, maybe if parents arent delivering the message, the Fowlers/Dingles can!

Jbr, try writing a letter to the school head first: that way you keep calm, and their initial instinctive "defensive" reaction takes place while you're not there. Either say in the letter that you'll look forward to their reply, or say that you'll be coming in to see them about it. But I agree with Pj, there's really only so much schools can do.

How do these wet wraps work please - can anyone explain it to me and tell me what I should buy from the chemist?

PJ, how's it going with your little one and the eczema? Have you tried a Chinese doctor yet or did you decide not to? (I used to be Numbat but my pasword stopped working so now I'm back in a new incarnation)

Melsj, wet-wraps are this complicated business where you get wet Tubifast bandages and put them on over a thick layer of steroid cream, then put a dry layer on top. Twice a day. Imagine the fun! The eczema has to be seriously bad (and I mean seriously bad!) before you want to go down this road, and you get it prescribed and dermatology nurses come and help you learn how to do it.

Pj I really sympathise. My problems are no where near yours, and as my son gets older it is much less noticeable, But at 6 months doctors confirmed he had very poor eyesight and he hs to wear glasses. They didn't recommend a particular opticians speciallising ton infant galsses, so I naively braved the local shopping centre (Centre Court, Wimbledon). The first one I went into the assistant actually openly laughed at me for looking for a pair for such a little baby then asked me if I was sure he needed them?! After 5 months waiting for a hospital appt & then enduring the hospitals v.v.v. slow procedures. Did she think I was just some mad woman who woke up one daya bit too bored?? I left there feeling angry upset & humiliated & frustrated. I have many many years of bullying and bad memories as a result of my extra thick glasses, and I found it heart breaking to think my son was going to have to travel down the same road.

Anyway, after much effort he then got glasses, and every time I left the house it was a nightmare. People would openly stare, laugh, point etc etc. All the time I got asked if they were his (he was wearing them at the time) why he had glasses on. I even had a woman from malasia come up to me in M&S & ask why he was wearing glasses, and then told me disapprovingly that in Malasia they wouldn't MAKE such a young child wear glasses. I assume I was supposed to wait until a couple of years when his eyesight had totally deteriorated?

I found it so difficult to persever with. Now he's a bit bigger he doesn't stand out quite so much, but now have to cope with other kids in playgroups etc pulling them off, and more often than not the parents don't see - to busy nattering to be watching their own children, or they don't say or do anything even if they do.

So may people don't seem to have a clue how to act towards others respectfully, like you said pj I think It's just as bad when they come being sympathetic. I mean, my boy doesn't need pity, and I don't want him to start feeling sorry for himself & wallowing in self pity which is all sympathy does I think. My boy is not jusy an infant in glasses, just as yours isn't just eczema & bandages. I just wish I had been rude to some of the people I encountered. I just smiled & went off fuming, much to my regret!

I know what it's like. My daughter has a strawberry birthmark above one of her eyes. When she was a baby it was very red and enormous. We also got loads of questions, stupid comments and unwanted advice. One day I was in the queue at the bank and I must have just reached my limit, because I had a go at this man who asked what happened to her. I told him it was difficult enough having a child with a disfigurement, without always having to explain the disfigurement to strangers. How would he feel? etc. etc. It was a transforming experience for me. Since then I never bother explaining anything to people I don't know. I just say "It's her birthmark." If a young child is asking, I might add "It's something that she was born with." Interestingly, once I stopped feeling so burdened by strangers' rudeness, I did not get nearly as many questions.