Help with coming out/other gay parents on MN

[PinotGirl]

Ok, has taken a glass of wine and a name change to post this so here goes. I'm recently out of a relationship with a man and believe I'm gay. Have had encounters with women when I was younger, but nothing in last 8 years. Physically, I'm attracted to women, not men. The problem is that I have a young daughter and I'm worried about how my coming out will effect her.

I've met this woman, she's great, also gay and though things haven't progressed we're having a night out this weekend and she's staying over so I'm thinking things could progress. DD is at her dad's.

Are there any other gay mums out here in the land of MN? I don't want to get into a debate about being gay etc, it's who I am and I think I'm about ready to accept it. But how do I tell my friends?? How out do I have to be? What about dd??

oh and good luck tonight

The evidence from numerous friends in this situation is that smaller children tend to be very proud of announcing (to the world, including passing strangers) that they have two mums. And that other children are fine, indeed often very jealous that they are denied this great and obvious benefit

Sadly, this sensible attitude seems to wear off as they get older, but then teenagers are often so staggeringly conformist . Still, I know teenage children of lesbian mothers who have sailed through school with no teasing.

Can't wait to hear how the hot date went

Good luck PinotGirl, for everything this weekend . I hope your friend is supportive and helpful after she has got over her surprise. But, then again, she might not be as surprised as you think she is going to be.
Good friends want their friends to be happy in life and love.

You're all so lovely - thanks

Well, I spoke to my friend tonight but I lost my nerve and didn't out myself to her. She had other stuff going on so I didn't feel like it was the right to get into it which then made me wonder if there would ever be a "right" time. Sigh.

At least I've got tomorrow night to look forward to. Though I'm really nervous which is odd since we've been friends for a while now and it's only recently I've felt things could go that way, iykwim.

Will definitely update you on Sunday with any news!

Enjoy your hot date. Have a lovely time and tell your friend when things are a little calmer in her life.

Good luck!

ooh - I'm going away on holiday today for a week, so will have to wait to hear how the date went - good luck!!

Hope you have a great holiday, Dot1!!

Hi pinotgirl, just want to say that your sexuality is your own business and no one should concern themself with it. It's totally a separate issue to how good a parent/friend/daughter you are. Tell who you choose to tell and no one else. I admire the way Dot1 and her partner have set up their family life, it's obvious their children don't lack for anything and are their primary concern.

My dh just walked in and said, 'anything interesting on mn today?' to which I replied that a lesbian mum was asking for advice on how to come out. He just said, 'shoot from the hip'. I'm not quite sure what he means by that but sounds like pretty good advice all the same!

I don't think it'll make any difference to anyone on mumsnet, anyway! I read hester's posts all the time and never give a thought to issues of sexuality, it's just not relevent most of the time, is it?

Thanks, anorak. I guess it's because my friends have only known me to have relationships with men so I worry that it will be a shock to them when I do tell them. But you're right, it shouldn't be an issue. I'm still the same person regardless of my sexuality.

On a separate and somewhat humorous note ... DD's dad phoned me this morning to tell me DD had nits Bloody marvellous and just what I want the morning before my big date! So I went to Tescos and bought the stuff and just did myself to make sure I was ok ... not quite the advance preparation I had in mind for tonight

Ah that's motherhood for you!

You're soooo right about that, Anorak!

DD just phoned to tell me about it and said she has "hair monsters" a la the Sunsilk adverts on tv! She's lovely!

So, how'd it go, PinotGirl? I'm on tenterhooks here!

Hope all went well and you weren't troubled by any hairmonsters

Sorry, Hester, first chance to get onto MN!

Had an absolutely fantastic time last night! My friend was delayed due to a bomb scare in Manchester so things started a bit later than planned. Had a few drinks at home and then went out for a few more.

Good news is we've decided to take things slowly and see how they go! She's out to everyone so I'm hoping that will make it easier for me. And being with her last night just confirmed that it's time for me to come out and accept who I really am and hope that those close to me can do the same.

Oh PG, I'm so glad it went well! Sounds a good idea to take things slowly and carefully. Keep us updated, won't you?

I'll be thinking of you

Glad everything is going well for you PG.

Do you have any plans to meet up again, PG?

She's just finishing her nursing degree - her last placement ends this week so we're going to meet up the following week and probably spend a day or two together. Gay or not once you have kids the only option is to take things very slowly.

Hester, a friend of mine is really into the gay scene - she's in the gay choir locally for example but she's childless and, well, very much a scene person. Do you do any things like that and, if you do, are there people with children there or is it usually those without kids? I need to expand my gay horizons and just wonder how to go about it and I'm definitely non-scene!

I'm very much non-scene, PinotGirl, in that I can't remember the last time I went to a gay pub or club. I also pass as straight (long hair, skirts, face full of slap etc) so tend to get ignored by other lesbians even when I do come across them I have a lot of lesbian friends who are similarly non-scene, many of whom have children.

IME it is quite hard to get to meet like-minded lesbians. I don't say this to put you off, but so you can be realistic that it may take you awhile to find a group of women you want to be friends with (but it WILL happen; I promise!). he good news, though, is that you don't have to be into pubs/clubs/volleyball to have lesbian friends - we truly are everywhere and you WILL find the social scene that suits you.

Whereabouts do you live? In London or another big city? Or somewhere much smaller? What kind of activities do you usually enjoy? What kind of age group of women are you interested in meeting?

Oh I'm the same - my gay friend said to me last night - I have told her that I'm gay because she seemed safe iyswim. I digress, but she said to me that I didn't look gay because I'm very feminine - skirts, make up and wear pink etc! She's very "dike" (her term - she says it's like Nike with a D!) and is a bit "boyish" so I've known she was gay since I first met her.

I'm not in London - I'm near Leeds and work in Leeds. I work in a very traditional office where I reckon coming out would hurt my career.

The same gay friend said that where I've recently moved to is a "lesbian ghetto" but I've not seen any! I just find it hard meeting others. I'm quite happy with my straight friends, that's not the issue, it's that it would be nice to have friends who know what I'm going through. Taking on your advice as being as out as possible, I think I'm gonna need some support to do that. I'm not particularly fussed about age group but obviously those with kids would understand more what I'm going through.

Sorry, this probably makes no sense but I'm struggling with the whole coming out and not being alone thing. I don't mean alone as in not in a couple but alone as in not having anyone who understands

It's great that you're in Leeds, as there are zillions of lesbians there. Two easy ways to find out what's happening locally are to buy Diva magazine and look in the listings, or ring your local Lesbian/Gay Switchboard (there's bound to be one locally).

You might find it easiest to start by contacting a lesbian mothers' group - there's bound to be at least one in Leeds. If Lesbian/Gay Switchboard can't help, try contacting the Darcy L'Ainey Foundation (hope I've spelt it right; tell me if you can't find it and I'll check it out) or the PinkParents website may list local groups.

Or you could find a lesbian group that's about social activiites you already enjoy - walking, say. It's sometimes easier to meet others where you've got an interest in common, other than just meeting women of course!

Final idea: I'm not sure if it's still going, but there used to be a national organisation called Kenric that had groups all over the place. It was generally slightly older women, and non-sceney; would I suspect be a much easier way of meeting women and making friends than going to some bar or club.

Dot or Ruth - you around? If so, what would you suggest?

Oh look, how about this:

Leeds Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, 245 3588, 7-10pm. Also runs a social group, Stepping Out, 3rd Monday monthly.

There's also a Dining Group for non-scene singles in West Yorkshire - 0790 5756651. Sounds great, I think.

Thanks for all the numbers and your help, Hester. I'm going to bite the bullet next week and tell my best friend. Starting to now feel that I'm living a lie and it's all getting to be too much. I know that probably sounds melodramatic but I suppose I've been dreading this day for so long now and it's here and it's hard.

Feeling very sorry for myself yet again and know being a lesbian isn't a bad thing I'm just worried about the reaction I'll get. How anyone can say you make a choice to be gay is beyong me. Like you'd put yourself through this for fun