DD is asking about death and quite upset about it. I don't know what to tell her.

[ShowOfHands]

With everything I try to answer dd's questions honestly, simply and in terms she can understand. I don't offer extra information and I don't lead her.

The thing is she's only 2yrs 8 months and I think it's all a bit much for her atm. She will not be distracted from it though and I can see her thinking it over and then asking more and more questions. I suspect I know where it is going eventually.

This is the conversation we have just had:

Why doesn't Grandad have a Daddy?
He did have a Daddy, his name was C.
Where is he now?
He's not here anymore [crap answer I know]
Is he dead?
Yes he is.
Why did he die?
He was very old

[paused for a minute and she sat and flicked through a book]

Do all old people die?
Yes, eventually.
Will Grandma die?
One day but not for a long time.

[ate her banana]

Do babies die?

I tried to distract her at this point and move on but she was insistent.

I told her that sometimes they do (she knows they do, SIL's dd1 died from cot death and there are pictures of her and dd has asked about her). I said it was very unusual indeed.

She then sat and cuddled me for a long, long time and was a bit withdrawn.

I just know what's coming next and it'll be 'do mummies and daddies die'.

She's 2 fgs.

I know it's part of life but I didn't think it would happen yet.

Ouch.

It's natural for her to be curious though, and I think you're handling it right by being honest, straightforward, and not burdening her with too much information.

At her age, even with her precocious interest, she probably isn't fathoming the situation entirely, I'd say keep answering the questions, even the Mummy & Daddy ones - "Yes, sometimes some Mummies & Daddies die, but we haven't, have we?" - I think this is the approach we took with DD1, who unfortunately had a bad run of guinea pigs at an early age at became death-centric for a while - it's a bit horrible for you, but I really don't think the answers bother them, lack of one would.

There's an absolutely excellent picture book out at the moment called "Duck, Death and the Tulip."

Honestly, it deals with death in such a matter of fact and beautiful way, showing how it as much a part of life as birth.

It brings a tear to the eye, but in a good way.

Seek it out. It helped me come to terms with my anxiety over the subject, and I'm 35!

Bobbie, that sounds like one of those books that I'll cry while reading. But then Peepo makes me cry. Having children has turned me soft.

snigger, you're right. A lack of answer would be worse. It's this gap between not wanting to shatter her innocence and wanting to respond to natural interest.

I am aware that a lot of it comes from me not wanting to talk about the possibility of people close to her dying.

Yes, it will, it would bring a tear to the eye of a Dalek. But it is so good, it's worth it.

I'll never forget my ds1 finding out about death when he was four. His eyes filled with tears and he said "But...but I don't want to die!" like it was all so unfair.

I wish I'd had that book to hand. Sooner the better with sex and death, imo. Take the mystery (and fear) out of it.

Oh SoH. Sounds like you have a very thoughtful and caring DD.

All you can do is what you have done - answer questions honestly but nicely.

Yes mummies and daddies will die - but not for a long time.

BTW Peepo is very much a tear-jerker (numerous MN threads)

My DCs were older when they started asking questions but were always very familiar with the concept of people dying - they've always known that my mother died when I was young, and DC3 was 4 when my father died, etc.

I've done a lot of the whole Circle of Life talk (The Lion King) - and pointed out how crowded the planet would be if no one ever died. And I've also pointed out that yes, my mum did die and I was (am) very sad about it but I'm still OK and am still very happy. Life goes on, in other words. But this is all very intangible and hard to understand when you're only 2. She sounds quite scarily bright!

Whenever I asked my mum about her dying, she always said "Don't be daft, that's the LAST thing I'm going to do!" which was a very reassuring answer until I was older and saw the double meaning.

(As an aside I think it's incredible that your dd would ask such complex questions at such an early age! My ds is 2.5 and not very verbal so he's just about saying things like duck and door and car - I wonder if he thinks about complex things, too?)

She's got the beginning of life down pat. She knows how babies are made, how they come out, that she was a cs birth, that babies have a 'bilical' cord and float in water. She is very, very, very interested and more than a little precocious. The death bit has thrown me though as I can see her reaction to it and I know it's fear for the first time. She has never been frightened- spiders, monsters etc, just fascination but the idea of death is having a tangible effect. And she's not the sort of child to forget in a couple of weeks and move on. She's still talking about things that happened when she was 18 months old. Out of the blue the other day she told me that Daddy's friend put peas on her head when she banged it and they were freezer peas and then he took her to the shop near his house. This was when she was 17 months and I don't think it's been mentioned since (haven't seen dh's friend since then either, he lives abroad). She remembers everything, absolutely everything down to what she had to eat on holiday 12 months ago and how the sausage fell off the bbq into the coal and grandad said 'bollocks'.

James, I think they probably do have quite complex thoughts.

DD asked me a couple of weeks ago 'exactly how does a bee make honey' and I'm buggered if I know, let alone able to explain it to a 2yr old. I think she thinks too much. She told a street performer the other day (a magician) that he hadn't made the ball disappear, he was hiding it. So, yes, precocious.

lol @ her memory! I have DD a bit like that too (tells me when such and such a toy was bought and that she took toy mouse to Amelia's house when she went there to tea and they ate XXXX - Amelia went to Australia Christmas of DD's reception year and DD is now in yr 4...I can't remember what Amelia even looked like! )

Anyway - it sounds like she listens, understands, remembers so well; you very much need to be truthful as you have. You can't stop her worrying but you can reassure her - eg look how old Grandma is - mummy will probably live to be even older etc.

SofH - my ds is just 3 and sounds very like your dd in the precocious-ness stakes! and he too has been asking about dying and "being dead" a lot recently..
i know now this is because we have been talking about it as our friend's SIL has just died (aged 35 of cancer with 2 small kids ) and my parents neighbours both just died suddenly and horribly. But when we were having these conversations over his head i didn't really think he was taking anything in when he clearly was - lesson learned there!
Anyway, i have tried to be really honest about it without scaring him but its a tricky one to balance. He is clearly thinking about it because when he starts telling me one of his strange fantasy stories (we get a LOT of these!) he oftens says in the middle of "and that made x/me dead" or "then i was dying". makes me a bit worried but i guess he has to process all this stuff somehow. Hmmm..

Clary, it's disconcerting isn't it when they remember things you don't?

Luckily, dd has 2 grandmas, 2 grandads, 2 great grandmas, a great grandad, a step great grandma, and 2 great, great grandmas (in their 90s). Her great, great aunt was 106 when she died too. So I think I can convince her that people live to be very, very old indeed.

fairylights about your friend's SIL. It does sound like he's trying to process it in his own way. I'm trying to be mindful of what I say around her. DH (a police officer) often comes home and says things about his day that lead to awkward questions when we realise little ears are listening.

Small DCs are fascinated by the subject, especially girls. It is the last taboo subject and people don't know what to say. When I was a widow little girls asked me all sort of questions-it was the parents who were embarrassed and tried (in vain usually!)to change the subject. I had to discuss it with my DS when he was younger than your DD and I was astonished by the thought process of such a young DC.