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Another funny joke

13 replies

Britabroad · 06/06/2003 23:55

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

  1. Yes = No.
  2. No = Yes.
  3. Maybe = No.
  4. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
  5. We need = I want.
  6. It's your decision = The correct decision should obvious by now.
  7. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
  8. We need to talk = I need to complain.
  9. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
  10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  11. You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  12. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  13. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  14. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
  15. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
  16. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  17. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
  18. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.

MEN'S ENGLISH

  1. I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
  2. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
  3. I'm tired = I'm tired.
  4. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.
  5. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.
  6. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you that night.
  7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.
  8. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
  9. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you tonight.
  10. What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
  11. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
  12. I love you = Let's have sex right now.
  13. I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
  14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
  15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
  16. I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.

OP posts:
mmm · 07/06/2003 07:40

hahaha

doormat · 07/06/2003 08:09

Britaboard love it

Ghosty · 07/06/2003 08:42
Grin
EmmaTMG · 07/06/2003 09:35

Love No.19 in Womans English.

breeze · 07/06/2003 09:55

brilliant

happyspider · 07/06/2003 16:07

:-*

happyspider · 07/06/2003 16:08

GrinGrinGrin

Frenchgirl · 07/06/2003 16:15

thanks britabroad, I can see where i have been going wrong now....

Tortington · 07/06/2003 22:25

really funny, made my mday!

Tortington · 17/06/2003 10:30

a politically incorrect one dont read if your blonde

a blind man goes into a bar, sits down and announces.." i know this fantastic blonde joke"
disturbed by this a barmaid walks over to him and says " listen mister, as your blind am gonna give you a chance... i am blonde and so is the other bar maid. we also happen to be black belts in Karate. the two bouncers on the door are also blonde and they can kick your arse, and the woman on the stool next to you is british womens wrestling champion - she is also blonde. so mister i would think about it very carefully if i was you."
" nah its ok love" the man replied " i don't want to explain it 5 times anyway!"

Furball · 10/09/2003 16:24

Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications which had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

Additionally, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to rectify these problems, but to no avail.

Help please!

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please bear in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME, then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. However, remember that overuse could cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will cause Husband 1.0 to crash.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, however, it does have limited memory and is unable to learn new applications quickly. Consider purchasing additional software to improve performance.

Personally, I would recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

--Help Desk

prufrock · 10/09/2003 16:30

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise
that his new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out
swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't
believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into
a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back
into a prawn. With tears
of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and
bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail -
it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy
and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the
memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's
me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. "Christian
replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll
not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the
old me. I've changed." . . . (wait for it) . . .

(a bit further)

(a little bit further) . . . . .

"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian".

Furball · 10/09/2003 16:34

Three guys are sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly, there's a beeping sound. The first guy presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The other two give him a curious look.

"Oh, that's my pager," he says with a grin. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rings and the second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes, he explains, "That was just my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna and returns a few minutes later with a piece of toilet paper extending from his butt.

The others raise their eyebrows and he explains, "I'm receiving a fax."

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