Ex suddenly showing an interest

[hmac]

Hi. I'm new to this so please bear with me. I have a rather upsetting situation and wondered if anyone had been through similar. My ex (I'm a single mum - aargh!) has shown little interest in my 2.5 year old since she was born. He sees her when I need him to look after her and then for the bare minimum of time. He has asked me if he can take her to Tenerife for a week in November. This would also involve his new girlfriend who is only 19, which doesn't help. My instinct is to say no to him but then am I wonder if that is morally right. He doesn't know how to care for her and what if his 19 year old gets sick of my little darling after a couple of days and wants him to leave her asleep and go clubbing? Should I let him take her/do I have the right to stop him??

I would certainly say no, not because of whether he would look after her, but because if he has had as little contact with her as you say I think that it would be very traumatic to to send you DD with a person she hardly knows, regardless of whether he is her father or not.

My ex and I split up when DD was a little less than 1. The first year he hardly saw her, then he got pressure from his mother to bring her for a visit. I said no way! He had to see her at least every other week for 2 or 3 months, then he could take her over night for a few weekends then when she felt safe with him could he go off on long weekends in places that were strange to her. Long story short and all that. He tried for a few months, but it was just too much for him and he hasn't seen her at all for 10 months. No calls, no Xmas card, no birthday card. And good ridence. If you ex can't understand that a blood tie is not enough to be a parent then he has no right asking for something as big as a week away in Tenerife. Would you let your DD go away with your sperm donor. I'm not saying your ex has had that little involvement, but just making the point.

AS to your rights. Were you married to your ex when you had your DD? If so then he would have parental responsibility rights, meaning that unless you were awarded full custody he has the same rights as you to take her and spend time with her. If you weren't married then he has NO such rights. Even if you were still together but not married he would have to apply to a court to get these rights, to be awarded parental responsiblity.

I don't know about the legal aspects, but I don't think you should let her go.

She's only 2, and presumably when she sees her dad at the moment she knows you will be back soon....how happy do you think she'd be away from you for a week? Has she had this much time away from you before?

He would seem at best to be an intermittent baby-sitter at the moment. You don't have confidence in his ability to care for her. Don't let her go.

I'm sure you'll get more detailed advice from someone else. Good luck

Can you not express your concerns to him - just say that looking after her for a few hours is quite different to looking after her for a week, ask him how he would deal with her if she was ill. Could you not suggest that he takes her away for a weekend in the UK to see how they both get on before you agree to this week. Also, would it be worth you talking to the girlfriend herself just to check that she knows what she is letting herself in for. Personally, I wouldn't want to take a two year old that I didn't really know away for a week and I am a Mum.

Just to make myself clear, when I say its sounds like your ex hardly knows your DD, I agree with Tissy that it is as if he is an 'intermitent babysitter'. Rather than as a parent who could take care of your DD 24/7, which is what I would want from anyone I let my DD stay with.

I wouldn't be letting him. I can't understand why he wants to take her away for a week if he spends so little time with her now. He has no concept of the reality of children and that it is a 24x7 job. He needs to understand that very clearly before he does. What does his 19 year old girlfriend think. If you don't want to say no to him then the only other suggestion I can think of is to go with them and stay nearby. My heart is in my mouth thinking of this happening to her and no one being there who can comfort her, play with her and just show her she is loved. That's not fair as I don't know your ex but I would be saying a very firm no.

Um...I don't think so,

Has he ever had dd to stay with him at home overnight yet? From what you say it sounds like he hasn't, and someone who doesn't know a toddler well can't go from no experience to 24/7 care just like that.

If he really wants to spend more time with her then I'd suggest a few home sleep-overs, then if they're successful perhaps a weekend somewhere not too far away to start with.

I can't see any 19 year-old being thrilled with looking after a toddler for the whole week, and I would have thought it may well cramp your ex's style too.

Tell him to get real. Get to know how to look after her better, and maybe in a year or 2....or 10 ??

I wonder whether the 19 year old girlfriend is really into babies and toddlers and your ex wants to impress her ...?

I agree. The answer has to be no. If he persists (which I doubt he will) you have to be firm. He can't take her abroad without her having her own passport with her so it will be easy to stop him. And I speak as the wife of a man who has a daughter from a previous relationship. However, in his case he was her primary carer and his daughter lived with him at your dd's age when her mother left. That is a very different situation. I think it would distress your daughter to spend a whole week without her mum and with a dad she hardly knows and some strange teenager. It's ridiculous. You are morally right and making as sensible practical decision. He needs to take much more of an interest, see his daughter regularly including overnight for a long time before taking her away for a week should even be considered.

I agree with everyone, don't let him take her. Going from the bare minimum to a week away isn't reasonable. If he had a good and consistent relationship with her it would be a different matter I think. Were you married? As Tissy says it does make a difference since if you were he has parental responsibility and could, in theory, say he wants to take her anyway. I'm still sure there would be some way you could stop him though. My ex took our ds to India for 2 weeks last year but a) they see each other every other weekend and for longer in the school holidays and they're close b) I trust him, completely c) his mum went too and she and ds are incredibly close plus I trust her too. So it was all a very different kettle of fish although I was still worried, since it was the furthest ds had ever been away from me. Even so, I made ex dh humour me with all sorts of stipulations (you will take a BA travel first aid kit, you will text me every day, you will call me if he gets bitten etc etc) - it's a big deal sending your child off with someone else on holiday, even someone you do trust.

Remember, he can't take her without a passport. If you have your dd's passport (or she doesn't have one) he can't take her abroad anyway. I'm pretty sure it won't come to that.

NO NO NO!!!! I agree with everyone else here. If he has no experience of looking after her for more than a few hours at a time, it is totally unreasonable for him to take her abroad for a week. He needs to spend more time with her, starting with week ends.
If you were not married then he hasn't got parental responsibility, unless he obtained it from a tribunal.
Stick to your guns!

Me too. Nothing more to add, but everyone's talking sense!

Trust your instincts on this one hmac and keep her at home with you. You, as her mother and primary carer, have the right to stop him taking her to Tenerife. If he takes her out of the country against your will he is kidnapping her (I am assured this is the legal stance). I think that your reasons for feeling this way are very valid.

Don't know if I said this in my last post but I really can't understand why he wants to take her to Tenerife. Isn't it the sort of place you go clubbing and stay out all night or at least with a 19 year old that is what you do. How will he look after dd if he intends to do this and I'm sure his girlfriend will probably want to have at least a couple of nights out. How unfair for dd to be looked after by some stranger she has never met before when she is already on holiday with some guy who may biologically be her father but is in fact pretty much a stranger too.

This is not a comment about hmac's sitiuation in particular but I just want to point out that
not all 19 year olds are the same. I became pregnant with my gorgeous DD at 19 and was most certainly not a 'clubber'. I too went to tenerife with my older partner at 19 (b4 pregnancy) and though we stayed in the clubbing area, we never ONCE went out clubbing.

Thanks everyone. My first instinct was just to say no, but now I am thinking maybe if he had some test weekends first..if he failed these then a definite no. I don't know, I'm very confused. And, of course not all 19 year-olds are clubbers and it's entirely possible that she has a child too, I suppose, as he never tells me anything anyway. That's what's worrying me. I know nothing about this girl andit's not just her age that's worrying but my daughter's never met her. I would be beside myself with worry for the entire week and am already imagining all the things that could go wrong. I asked my Mum's advice and all she was worried about was whether she'd get sunburnt! We weren't married and have not been together since I was 9 weeks pregnant (long story but another indication of what a morally upright person he's not!). She doesn't have a passport and that has reassured me somewhat. He can't take her unless I agree so if he does take the test and fails then I can just not let her go..

I think jude might have a good point. He's trying to impress the 19 yr old that he's a family man with a lovely cuddly toddler. Or she might even have suggested it if she likes kids, you never know. But I agree that it would be very unsettling for your DD.

Crossed post with you hmac. Think you are right to insist he proves his commitment to your DD.

hmac, I am a fanatical believer in father's rights and the importance of a mother doing her best to make sure a father stays in a child's life.
However, in this case, I agree with everyone else. Tenerife with a 19 year old (or any age girlfriend for that matter) that you haven't even met is really not a good idea for a father who has little experience with his own child. And funnily I agree with your mother, sunburn is actually a really big issue. It doesn't sound like your ex can be considered responsible enough to make sure your dd is covered with suncream. Childhood sunburns is the primary cause of skin cancer (very deadly) later in life. There's also drowning, getting lost, getting ill, homesick...etc. Lots of stuff that's very possible for a 2.5 year old (I've got one too).
I too think that Jude has it right about the trying to impress the girlfriend.

hmac ... agree with everyone here ... I don't think I would be happy for DH (who I am happily married to) to take DS away for a week without me and I totally trust him! Two nights is the longest I can bear without DS and the second night is usually awful!
Especially if you haven't even met the girlfriend ...
go with you instincts keep dd with you this time but tell your ex that you would be happy for dd to spend more time with him and you will reconsider a holiday when she is older....

We're meeting tonight to talk about it. The fact that he was bewildered as to why we had to talk about it makes me even sure that my instincts are right. I will keep you posted! Everyone I have spoken to about it is saying don't let him...but I can't get past the fact that he has rights and also she has a right to have a relationship with him and as I seem to be the most responsible one of the three then that falls to me to facilitate at the moment - along with everything else falling to me of course!!!

hmac, IMO he has rights WHEN he has shown he is responsible enough to look after her, not just turn up when he feels like it.

hmac, your ex does have a right to be in your daughter's life, but it's at YOUR discretion right now, because you are her primary caregiver and he hasn't exactly been around much to prove himself, if you know what I mean. There's a difference between, say, your ex taking her on his own at a weekend, and taking her away for a week with a 19 yr old girlfriend when he's hardly had anything to do with your dd before now. I think you have to rely on your common sense and instinct about this. As you said in a previous post, if he begins to have more participation in her life and shows himself to be responsible and trustworthy, THEN maybe you can consider letting him take her away with him. But if it was me, I wouldn't be agreeing to this kind of thing just yet.

Just my feeling anyway. Good luck...

hmac, as someone married to a man with a daughter from a previous relationship, I too am a fanatical believer in father's rights... BUT... with rights go responsibilities. He HAS to be a familiar responsible person in your dd's life before he does anything as drastic as take her somewhere far away for a whole week. Also, you must put your dd first. She's very tiny, suppose she is terribly upset to be away from you? They can't just drive and bring her back. This is too much too soon IMO. It does make me wonder though, why does he want her now, after all this time? Has he even ever had her overnight? Does he know how she goest to sleep? The signs that she is tired/upset/hungry? This isn't right IMO. Certainly, encourage contact between your dd and your ex, but also trust your instincts about protecting your dd, she really is the important one here. And yes, you do have the right to stop him. You weren't married and unless your ex gets a court order for parental responsibility and a passport and your permission, he can't just take her.