I didn't want to be a Mom and now I don't love my child

[DistraughtMum]

My son is 5 and I've struggled for the entirety of his life to find ways to love him.

My now husband of 6 years got me pregnant at 18. I was a young, dumb kid who was absolutely in love (and still am, to an extent) with a man and willing to do anything for him. I wanted an abortion, I knew I was not mentally, emotionally, or physically capable to be a mother but he told me if I had an abortion, we would no longer continue to see one another. He convinced me to have the baby.

Throughout my pregnancy I had mixed emotions, some days I was happy, other days I was sad. The first 4 days in the hospital with my newborn were heaven. I had the nurses wait on my hand and foot and they suggested I stay in the hospital for 2 more days to learn proper breastfeeding technique but my husband convinced me to be discharged earlier because he was tired of staying there with me.

From the moment my son came home it was horrible. Breastfeeding was difficult, I eventually switched to bottle feeding. The only good moments were when my husband was feeding him or when I was sleeping. As a newborn and toddler, I'd keep him in his swings, playpens, or high chairs so I could be off doing anything else. When he started to walk I'd sit in his room while he'd play for the entirety of the day and distract myself with reading or using my laptop instead of interacting with him because I just didn't want to be around him.

It has been like this throughout his childhood. Now, before anyone accuses me of not caring for him- I fulfill his basic needs. I provide him with healthy, well rounded breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I bathe him, I buy him toys, I give him things to play with, and I make sure he stays safe. But during the day, I do as little as possible to interact with him.

He used to be in daycare but he was kicked out because he had uncontrollable ADHD. He still does even though he's on medication to treat his ADHD. He's all over the place- screaming, crying, and whining. Even when he's behaving I can't stand to be around him.

I do everything I can to not interact with him because I just don't like being around him. I cry daily because I hate my days. Before I had him I was a very happy person, I had a future, I had plans. Since he has arrived he has destroyed my figure (I weigh 100 lbs more now than before I had him) and has ruined my faith that I have a future. I am angry, bitter, and extremely resentful of my husband and my son. I often think about what it would be like to run away but due to the fact my husband financially supports me and the fact I do not have any family (deceased or estranged) I have nowhere to go.

I do not have any chemical imbalances or depression but being with my son makes me depressed. It makes me wish for any other life and some days I wonder if suicide would be a better option just because I'm tired of being the caretaker. We cannot afford daycare else I would dump him back in there and I'd go work but my husband has convinced me yet again that I should stay at home with our son to save money.

I give him video games to play, TV watch, and I bribe him with candies and sweets or his dad taking him to trips to Toys R Us in order to get him to take naps. On weekends when my husband is home I will sleep ALL day just so I don't have to deal with being a Mom. Lately, I yell at my son and this is new to me, I'd usually just ignore the behavior but he's getting more and more on my nerves that I just can't take it anymore.

Spankings don't work for bad behavior, I vaguely remember that if your child doesn't respect you he won't listen to you. This is why I believe he acts up exceptionally with me instead of his dad.

I don't know what to do. I am not a selfish person as I often buy things for my son before my husband or myself, I feed him before I feed myself, etc, but I just don't know how to get through my days anymore. I have never admitted to my husband or the only friend I have (that lives states away thanks to my husband's military transfers) that I do not love my child. Before anyone tries to convince me that I do in fact love my son, I just don't love his behavior/my husband/or my circumstances, I want to say I am quite certain that there are no heartfelt emotions attributed to our relationship. Quite simply, I DO NOT enjoy being a mother and I honestly, have no love for my child.

But I'm looking for solutions to help myself and counseling is not an option. I have tried and I do not like being patronized by a woman who has never had children or someone without a medical degree, etc.

I'm sorry but if you think suicide is preferrable then you are depressed.

'But I'm looking for solutions to help myself and counseling is not an option. I have tried and I do not like being patronized by a woman who has never had children or someone without a medical degree, etc.'

Well you need to talk to someone. I would ask for a referral from your gp if not to a counseller then to a pyschologist.

God, you really needed to write all of that down, didn't you? I hope it's provided a bit of release. You sound incredibly wound up and tense and also very lonely

It's not your fault you feel the way you do. It's not your son's fault either - but you didn't ask to be in this awful situation and you don't deserve to feel guilty or ashamed about it.

You do however HAVE to do something about it, however hopeless it feels (and I know how hopeless things can feel when you are at the point of suicide being an attractive option, I have been there).

I could have written your bit about counselling. I used to say things like "some middle-aged Laura-Ashley-wearing do-gooder who wants to Help People, we have fuck all to say to each other"

BUT you do need counselling, and you need to find the right counsellor - someone you can respect. Such people do exist, and frankly having a medical degree or any other degree is no guarantee of insight or empathy or anything else that could possibly help you.

Why are you so sure that you are not depressed? Honestly, I think you are VERY depressed - and you have every reason to be - it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

I hope you keep posting and that we can help you get to a better place, for YOUR sake as much as for your son's. xx

"I do not have any chemical imbalances or depression"

I think you do. I advise you go to your doctor and try to sort that out.

Sorry my post seems a bit stern, I didn't mean it too. I hope you are able to get help.

i think you have to concentrate on doing things that make you happy. building a career or studies that make you happy having a hobby that makes you happy.

once you are happier things will become easier.

Please please get some help to resolve this. Your son will realise your feelings at some point and this is not fair on him. Your happiness deserves this too.

I may of took this abit wrong, but your husband doesnt sound like he is trying to support your happiness, talk to him and tell him how you feel, it sounds like he put you in this situation, he now owes you a happy life. You sound so lonely and depressed, i hope it gets better for you.

Never read "We need To Talk About Kevin" then

I would back up the advice here- find something you love and do it, get a counsellor you can respect, and bear in mind your sons behaviour problems may well improve radically once you've sorted yourself out. You see him as the problem, but he isn't- he's a little boy. And you are the grownup who is going to have to come up with the solution.

You seriously need some help.

You need to see a psychiatrist as you are quite clearly depressed or have a chemical inbalance or some sort of personality disorder.

He has uncontrollable ADHD and behavioural issues due to your behaviour around him.

Its like those children in Romanian orphanages, yes their basic needs are met, fed etc but they have no interaction.

You need to sort it out, grow up and do something about it get some help.

You are very young. You need to address this problem with some proper help. You and your son have your whole lives ahead of you, things can change. But you must go to your gp and get a referral.

you are asking teh impossible

you want your child to behave better and respect you , but you spend every minute of his life avoiding interaction with him, so no wonder he has develped severed problems and could not cope in daycare

teh brain is hardwired by the age of 3, and i am confident he will have known and been aware of your lack of attachment and it is boudn to have had an impact

secondly, you want help but you refute the idea you might be depressed/unwell/have a chemical imbalance and you don't want counselling

i'm afraid there is nothing else for you to try

you need help in the form of medication for what sounds like a severe depression, of which wanting to die is a sign, and counselling , be it from a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist

there is no magic wand, nor any well chosen words that we can give you to make this better for you and your son

you need to take some steps to address this and not discount things before you've tried

my mum , for example , is a well qualified and registered counsellor, who has children and is extremely well respected in her field, and was just head hunted for a great job in bereavement counselling. a medical degree is not the be all and end all

I cry daily because I hate my days

I'm sorry you are feeling this way

Fwiw, I think you should try and find a good licensed psychologist with whom you feel comfortable both for the sake of your child and for your own sake too.

You say your are looking for solutions to help yourself: can you be more specific?

Do you want to try and improve your relationship with your son?

Or do you want to try and find another solution such as giving him up for adoption? (I'm sorry if this sounds brutal.)

Either way, proper psychotherapy will help. You are still very young and it sounds as if your husband is making quite a lot of decisions for you (eg early discharge from hospital/convincing you to stay at home and not work). It's also possible to be depressed without knowing it. People who feel trapped and is if they have little autonomy or control over their own lives often become depressed.

This is going to sound horrible and I don't mean it in a judgemental way (you are at the moment providing for your son in the best way you can ie feeding him well, keeping him safe, playing with him) but your son exists ... he is here ... that is something you cannot change. What you CAN change is how you react to him.

A skilled psychologist will help you do this by supporting you to become more autonomous, by allowing you to express and think through your negative emotions towards your son, to accept yourself how you are and to move on from that position.

MGood luck ....

Apologies - I was interrupted in the middle of that post

the bit where I say "this is going to sound horrible" ... I meant to follow it by saying

if you can't motivate yourself to find help for your own sake, then you MUST do it for your son"

Anyway, good luck.

You can turn this around if you find the right help.

Your post sounds American in its language- is that where you live? Do you need advice about healthcare options that take the different system into account?

Hiya,
Can I just say something. You are respnsible for your happiness and you are responsible for getting yourself better. I dont know how you can say you are not a selfish person when you are providing your son with the scant most basic from of care. That is so selfish. You have a duty to yourself and your son to do better and more. You have to try and fix things and you know it, thats why you have posted. I have sympathy for you heaps and heaps but I really want you to take that initial step and get some professional help. It will be hard and awful and will really rock you, but jeez can things get any worse?
Is your husband in on how things really are for you? You need his support and full disclosure is necessary.
I really hope you turn things around and you come to feel more fulfilled in your life. Getting a job may be key for you, but getting well is your priority.
I have sounded harsh in my post, but I am hopeful you will read everyones posts and realise there is no shame in how you feel, and you can make things better.

"I do not have any chemical imbalances or depression but being with my son makes me depressed"

You definitely sound like you're depressed to me. Crying every day, sleeping all day and thinking about suicide are all signs of depression.

Perhaps you need to find the right counsellor. It doesn't always work out with the first one you meet. The time and effort (and sometimes money) you put into counselling or psychotherapy could be the most important investment you will ever make. What could be more important than your own mental health and that of your son? Please try again to get some help. You are in a dark and lonely place but things can get better.

OP are you reading this thread? I hope so, I am worried about you

You know if you have a moment where it is all just too much and you need someone NOW, you can go to A&E and demand to see the duty psychiatrist? They can't refuse you. And it won't blow up in your face, they won't take your son away or anything like that. But you desperately need real life support, and you have to start somewhere.