What should I do with my life? (Serious advice please?!)

[lost]

I just don't know what I should be doing with my life. I'm a regular mumsnetter and I'm sure some of you will recognise who I am from this, but I've used another name so that I can speak a bit more freely about some things.

I'm seriously torn about what I should be doing in my working life, and it's all tied up with my own appalling personal characteristics and I need some wise words about what to do!

I can see a pattern in my life where I get a passion for something, learn everything there is about it and totally immerse myself in it for 2-3 years and then lose that drive and move onto the next thing. I don't drop these things entirely, but I've always had this tendency to pass in and out of intense phases - where I get totally absorbed in something for a while and then back off again. Until now it hasn't mattered, because while you're young you get points for having a broad range of interests and I'm fortunate that I have always found things pretty easy, and would quickly become better than most people in a relatively short time. But I'm very conscious that I'm getting to that point in life (just turned 30) where spreading your energies like that becomes counter-productive.

Left to my own devices, I would launch myself into 2 years of learning how to take the car engine apart and put it back together; then I'd gladly do a degree in electrical engineering because I like that kind of stuff; then I'd spend two years madly knitting and learning karate etc etc... And having spent most of the last 13 years as a student, to some extent I've done precisely that - I have a really diverse range of interests and have become quite good at them. But now I don't have as much free time to pursue these passing passions (children are 1 and 3) and I'm in my first "real" job, and I'm really feeling that I should be more focussed. And as much as anything I'm worried that if I don't change my habits, then in 5-10 years I'll be really frustrated with myself that I have another long list of past interests to add to my "Other Interests" in my CV, but nothing really substantial to show for it.

Professionally, I feel I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I'm currently teaching in the tertiary sector and I enjoy it, although it's not my dream job, mainly because I'm also supposed to do research and I'm too gregarious to enjoy the isolation of all that bookwork. When I started the job, I said to myself that I had no intention of doing any research - I'd just do the teaching for a few years and then leave, satisfied that I'd had a decent time while in a family-friendly job. But, inevitably I suppose, I'm now feeling a (self-imposed) pressure to produce some research because if I don't I'll be doing a sub-standard job and I hate being in a position where I'm setting out to do a bad job. One of the reasons I'm not doing much research is that although I'm in a full-time position, I've only been working part-time hours (first 3 days and now 4 days of childcare arranged, and I do the rest evenings/weekends/whenever). So I've been cutting back that way, although now that my youngest is heading into toddlerdom, things are easing up a little.

I need to stay in my current job for a few years, for practical and financial reasons. I can't afford much of a drop in income for a while, and this is the only thing around that gives me the flexibility I need for the children as well. Besides, there are aspects I really enjoy - just not the bit about doing a bad job and disappointing people I care about. (I really like my colleagues and bosses...)

Long-term I want to get into school teaching and my dream job would be as head of a school. But I can't make the switch until the children are a few years older as I don't think school hours are very compatible with really young children. So that long-term ambition is on hold. However, I do worry that if and when I make the switch, that I'll just demonstrate the same old tendencies and lose interest after a short while. Which would be disappointing.

In the meantime, I need to decide what to do about my current job. Do I put in more time and force myself to do an aspect I've always hated (research) in order to feel like I'm doing a good job? Or do I try to persuade myself to stick to the original plan and take what's good about the job and what suits me, make other contributions to the place as I can, and ignore the stuff that I don't want to do? Long-term, if I did switch careers, the research would be totally irrelevant.

Or, I could try to direct my research towards finishing a doctorate that I started a few years ago and which was hijacked by appalling personal circumstances at the time. There's no point in getting the doctorate if I'm going to switch professions - at least not in terms of the knowledge I gain. BUT, the title of "dr" is useful, even in a school environment. The thing is, I really don't want to do the doctorate itself (I hate working on it), but it could be useful, and it has always niggled that I didn't get it before. I had excellent reasons for it, and I'm not ashamed that I didn't. But in my heart it really niggles because it's the first time I set out to achieve something and didn't, and in an irrational way I have to admit I do feel a bit of a failure.

And finally, there's a really exciting small business prospect that I have before me. I'm totally enthused about the idea of doing it, but I strongly suspect that, even if I am pretty good at juggling, it is unrealistic to expect to work full-time (using only part-time childcare), complete a doctorate AND start up a small business. This business is totally unrelated to anything else, and wouldn't assist me in any other professional way. But I have good reason to believe it would make quite a bit of money if I had the time to put in (and we NEED the money), and I just get so excited at the thought of doing it! It's been a long time since I felt really enthused about doing something - I've spent a large part of the last few years doing research (the failed doctorate) that I didn't care two hoots about and feeling lethargic and frustrated. So it's so refreshing to be excited about something again. (But let's see how long it lasts...) And it's all highly speculative at this stage, but I can see that if in a few years I wanted to stop work and have no.3, then being self-employed would be a great way to keep working around the children.

So what should it be? Should I write off the business idea because it doesn't get me anywhere long term, however exciting it may be now? Should I go on with the doctorate which I hate doing but which might make me feel better about past failures? Should I just get over it and concentrate on my current job? How do I balance it all? I feel really lost about this, and quite depressed that my erratic behaviour could just be setting me up for long-term failure and disappointment. Help!

Hi Lost. I can't tell you how much I relate to your post, though I don't have time to reply in depth right now. I too have an ability to hyperfocus combined with a very low boredom threshold- have you done the attention deficit disorder test on www.adders.com?!- and have only stumbled into the world of proper jobs at ok salaries within the past 2 years. I suspect ours is a personality type to be found in quite a few mumsnetters as I think the medium of the message board is often very appealing to us distractible types- we can zhoomph in and out, focussing intensely on a thread that interests us and totally ignoring the boring bits, without the recriminations this would bring in real life. So I hope you will get some really good advice from those who know how hard it is that I too can benefit from... Meanwhile know that you have cheered my heart by confirming that I am not alone!

Hi lost, these are my jumbled first thoughts on reading your very eloquent cry from the heart message just now.

Firstly, you have youth on your side. I take it you fininshed college about 5 - 8 years ago? really not a huge amount of time to carve out your final career path. And you've had two children in that time, and a personal setback, so you've had lots to cope with.

It sounds to me you are at the trying out and discarding stage as IMO you should be. It's not erratic. It is just what should be happening. Your 30's aren't just for guaranteeing career fulfilment at 50 years. Think how sad it would be if you closed off all avenues to concentrate on one thing, then 20 years on bitterly regretted it (actually I suppose you do think this, hence your worry about choosing things now). I suppose I am saying you still have plenty of time to chop and change.

Another thing I can say is thet speaking from my experience - I am 45 - your career ambitions change so much over the years. I have just got a job that offers just what I want. When I was 25 I wouldn't have considered it. I was also interviewed for the sort of job I craved at 25. I was so relieved that the job wasn't offered to me. Both jobs are on a smilar level, but one is now so right while the other is now so wrong. I couldn't have predicted my about turn 15 years ago.

And you are doing really well right now it seems to me, with your family friendly teaching position. Finishing doctorates and starting your own business - you won't miss the boat if you don't get it finally sorted this year or even in 10 years.

I do know the worry of feeling that if you go down one career path, you are turning away from the others. My own personal solution to this was to do two different jobs at once. So is it possible to start your own business in a small way while you teach? Then if the business doens't work out, reconsider the doctorate? A few years along the line, the doctorate might not seem so hateful.

I hope some of this makes sense and hope you get lots of advice to add to this.

Will post again if I think of anything more.

I too tend to hyper -focus...last month on the girls birthday party, this month and next on the schools summer fete, then it'll be holiday planning, and christmas is a fantastics time
for those that hyper-focus-ites. But is it wrong ... I would much rather be some-one who has a passion (or ten) than some-one who doesn't get worked up.

Lost- Does it seem like a choice between the doctorate and business?? how long to finish your doctorate ??? could you take up the businees after the doctorate ??? how much pleasure and satisfaction would it give you to become a doctor(even tho you says its not going to help your career)...the business idea is exciting, but is that beacuse you're looking for a way out of your current situation or beacuse that's your nature to get really focussed on something - could you make it work with your resposibilites?? SOrry I think i'm waffling, they are really really hard questions, and I know I couldn't answer them if some-one asked me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do...and let's us know how it goes.

Why do school hours not seem compatible with small kids? Is it the evening meetings etc? Different schools colleges etc have different hours so there may be a possibility there - also there is the sixth form idea with your tertiary experience I'm sure they would welocme you.

Don't really have any great advice but just good luck - not much time now but will try and come back and see hoe you're getting on

Hi Lost. I too recognise some of your character traits in myself: I like focussing intently on one thing to the exlusion of other things until it's done and/or I'm bored (although I have to say boredom does sometimes come before completion!), so I know what you mean.

Have you thought about working out your priorities for now and then for five years time and ten years and so on? You don't have to stick to them but, for example, your priorities right now might go something like:

• Time with children is important, thus family friendliness is important in a job
• Money is important, thus pay & prospects are important
• Challenge is important
• Personal sense of achievment is important but less than 1-3 above

And so on. You might find that working out your priorities tells you quite a lot about what you want to do in the short term. For example, my priority for the last 4/5 years has been to have time with my son and dp. Therefore I haven't worked and we've been poor. But money wasn't our biggest priority, time was. My next priority is to buy a house so money will become more important and therefore spare time and flexible working will move down my priority list and money will move to the top (it shouldn't be like that in an ideal world but that's a whole other discussion). In another few years I may decide that, say, creative fulfillment is No. 1 and therefore I have to do something satisfying that need and money will again move down the list. I think sometimes working out what your personal priorities are can be helpful in telling you which way to go. You could also try thinking about your goals and how important they are, which is a similar exercise but can also be revealing - i.e. your No 1. goal might be to be working from home within 2 years in which case you need to think about the steps you could take to work towards this. Sorry to sound like a pop psychology book but I've found these techniques useful sometimes.

I think it sounds as if you are hard on yourself and set yourself very high standards. I'm thinking of your doctorate here mainly. You say that if you do it it will be to make you "feel better about past failures" but you also say you will hate doing it. So don't do it! I think you've answered your own question there about this really: you'd only be doing it to prove to yourself that you can and to get the title "dr". You say the title would be useful but I'm sure it's not essential. And you could try telling yourself that you could have done it but you didn't want to, as I'm sure that's true. Since you'd hate doing it I really don't think you should. If you were saying you loved it and it was a life long passionate ambition then maybe. Similarly, the research doesn't sound like something you want to do or will enjoy or have the time for. So again, don't do it! Cut yourself some slack while your children are small and accept that you can't do everything. It sounds as if you'd be reasonably happy in your job for a while if it wasn't for your self-imposed high standards. If the teaching without research suits you for now, then stick with it as per your original plan, if it is supported by your priority list and short term goals.

The business idea sounds exciting but is an unknown and may or may not make any money. You say you need the money so I don't think you can afford to hang everything on this business (although you probably weren't going to) but is there any way you could do as tigermoth suggests and test the water with the business idea and get it started without giving up the salaried job? If it works then great, you can chuck in the job and manage the business and that fits your medium term goal of being at home and working and having another child. If it doesn't, then nothing's lost. You probably have to think realistically about how much time you have to develop this though and be quite organised if you want to fit it all in. I speak as an overbooker or time who sometimes thinks she will achieve 100 things in a day only to be disappointed when reality kicks in.

I do think it's fine to chop and change and to do new things every few years. I've often been asked in interviews if I think a job will challenge me enough because I freely admit that once I've achieved my goal(s) I get bored and want to move on. So I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with having a personality and working attitude like yours. What it means for me is that I give something my all and then whoaah! Bored! Not interested! I do think you should stop feeling guilty for it though, it's not a bad way to be and there is room in this world (and working world too) for people like you and for other, different personality types. It just means your career may not follow a conventional pattern and there's nothing wrong with that IMO. HTH. Let us know what you decide won't you?

Hi lost, I know how hard it is to do whats for the best. You have got your children, mine are 3 and 1 also and they can be a total joy or total nightmare but always totally time consuming. I have not been sure what to do since having my dd as I couldn't carry on working as it was a 2 hour commute each way, I have always felt like I'm at a cross roads, initially we decided that I should look for another job or get pregnant whichever came first! But once I had my ds I felt so unsure, do I get a "proper" job again and shell out most of my money on childcare and tax(!) or do I anjoy my children and remain cripplingly poor. In the end I chose the latter and did a bit of witressing some evenings and a bit of private tuition which made up the black hole and paid for our weekly luxury, a chinese takeaway on saturday nights!

Since the beginning of this year though I have had a part time evening job, its a regular income, stressfree and I get to read my book or keep up with mumsnet, and its time out from the kids, it's also the perfect job to study in, I think I might carry on with my accountacy exams come september. I take home as much per week as if I was working full time earning £25k and paying childcare. I also get loads of time with ds and dd and dh gets to spend time on his own with them on the evenings I work so he is benefitting as well.

I have spent a lot of time worrying about my "career" and how worthwhile my life is, in fact I got the dreaded depression last year, (here after called exhaustion!!) But I think at the end of the day our priorities change once our lives are revolving around our little monsters we should be satisfied with our life away from them. I think you should do what you think will make you happy. If you think you can make this business venture work/pay then get a loan and go for it. You sound like you throw yourself into things whole heartedly. Could you do private tuition as it pays well.

And most of all I would say don't worry too much about your career path, I was the most career minded person you would have met and I still have plans but I have accepted that I want/need to take a few years out, make my children my career and my job an income for a while.

I hope it all works out for you

Not much to add other than- dear god, don't even think about finishing your doctorate unless you enjoy it! They're tough enough when you love the subject, what with the tedium of references and putting it all together and stuff. I would have thought that the only possible valid reason would be if you need it to go on to the next phase of your career, and it doesn't sound like that. Give yourself a break girl and forget it!

Hi lost

I can totally identify with how you feel - I'm down the ladder from you and am currently contemplating whether to take a degree with the aim to go into teaching. I currently work in a flexible part time job BUT the money isn't brilliant and I find it boring! My ds is 4 in September (but won't go to school until next year) and I am wrestling with the idea of where I should 'go'. I feel very unhappy with my job at the moment and this is impacting on the rest of my life, but its so hard to make big changes, especially when you have to do it around a little one and still have a mortgage to pay! I'm sorry I can't give you more advice, but I'm glad I'm not the only one with an irresistable urge to 'change' my working life! Sometimes I feel like the odd one out, as most of my friends and sisters are quite happy with their working life or are 100% happy having more children and staying at home. Whearas I am constantly looking for something new to learn!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I did finish a docorate I hated ( @ tamum) but it was horrendous. And I was single and working part time so I had pkenty of time to slog it out at the end (handed it in 2 days before the 2 year deadline). Having the title is quite good as a SAHM spending half my time fighting with various government departments - although most people insist on calling you Mrs anyway. I do agree overall with what tamum has said. I have seen a couple of people go seriously mad finishing their doctorates and it's not worth it! Think very carefully before picking it up again - it takes an awful lot of time and is incredibly boring and basically leads nowhere!

Agree with all the others who say, jettison the doctorate, Lost. I'm another relieved failure in that field too (and yes I hyperfocused on it too AT THE TIME and still feel guilty about it 10 years down the line). If the business proposition is fascinating and lucrative, why is it also not a long-term prospect...just wondered if it is an idea with a finite lifespan, which would obviously affect your plans for a third child.
Is there no prospect of some appealing and academically-acceptable line of non-doctorate research in your area of teaching? Are you under overt (ie, RAE-influenced) pressure in your department to produce something quickly? You couldn't do something survey and interview-based, I suppose?
I don't think anyone whose post displays such a lively mind and curiosity about so many aspects of life is setting themselves up for "long-term failure and disappointment", if you don't mind my saying so. You sound far too interesting for that. As Tigermoth says, you're still trying to find your niche, so don't try and cram yourself into the wrong one prematurely. I don't think anyone of us can tell you the answers to your questions, but I hope you have taken some comfort from the fact that your thoughts have struck a huge chord with so many of us...

4 year deadline- I'm not fast enough to do a PhD in 2 years. I shudder to think.....

I'm another one who likes an annual challenge or similar. I can look back over my life and see how focused I was on things for 6 months or so and then interest dropped off significantly. I was no better at work - loved getting a new job, steep learning curve, three months down the lines, lost interest.

. No answers from here either. I guess people like us have to be involved in short term projects rather than lifelong careers/vocations.

Hi Lost and all others
Just spent ages reading your messages and I must say you must knw me because what you describe is ME totally!!!! I am also at a crossroads in my career, have just started up a small business, got a 7 month old DD and also finishing up an MBA (in short).

I am struggling with the choice as to whether to jack in my well paid (now 3 day week) work whihc used to challenge and excite me but now it reduces me to boredom and back, or whether to move jobs to an easier, stress-free existence but for lower money (but will I ever get back on a career track if I do this, and if so, what would be the point of getting more letters after my name). I love my new business ideas but get very impatient that they are not taking off as I would like, but this is down to me not giving them the time they need to develop AND look after my DD, both of which need my undivided attention. Decisions, decisions............
Moomicat

Lost, how's the decision making going?

Just poking my head in to say MANY MANY MANY thanks for the wise words. Am still mulling it over, and will update you in a few days at a better time (can't think straight at the moment as am not well - not good decision-making material)...

But thank you thank you thank you - as some of you say, it's just a relief to know I'm not alone.

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Bloss, thanks for updating us, I love finding out who pseudonymous posters were Sounds like you've made some good decisions and IMO you don't get much happier with a decision than 99.5%!

yes, glad you're feeling things are progressing and the advice you had was useful. Your new business venture does sound exciting.

BTW I guessed you were Bloss!

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bloss, I can't put my finger on what it was exactly. Just the way you phrased some things I guess, and especially when you said that you like to totallly immerse your self in a subject. That just sounded so you

The internet is a funny thing, isn't it? here I am sitting here thinking I know someone I have never met, who lives on the other side of the world to me...

Bloss, journalism is the pefect job in many ways for people who love toimmerse themselves in one thing then get very bored with it. I'm just off to immerse myself in prenuptial contracts, for example.
I don't feel ashamed of this characteristic. Think of it as the sign of a lively mind
I'm very glad you decided not to do the doctorate. Life really is too short.
Good luck with the business. Very intrigued as to what it is...

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bloss - this sounds a really trivial way to approach things and if I offend you I apologise, but I've found it really useful to listen to gut reactions as a springboard for difficult decisions:

toss a coin

See, I said it sounded trivial! But actually, the important bit is assessing your reaction to the result. Are you actually relieved or disappointed by the result? What is your first gut response?

Obviously the final decision is more complicated than that but you might be surprised at your reaction.

Another technique is a rather more "sensible" one but could you imagine a set of scales and write out all the pros and cons of each choice and see which one is "heaviest"?

You're in the really good position of all your choices being good for you at your current stage of life - in some ways that makes it all the more difficult to discover which you would like best!