Coping with your partners previous family

[Maddie]

I met my partner 4 years ago - he was on the verge of divorce and had an 18 month old baby. His son lives with his mother visiting us every other weekend Fri-Mon. We now have our own baby (20 months) expecting our second.
I have been overwhelmed by the whole second family situation and sometimes feel like the wicked stepmother and feel that people expect far too much from me. "Well you knew what you were getting into" is a phrase I am sick of hearing as that is just it - I didn't - is anyone else in this situation and would be willing to discuss similar issues? Are there any support groups?

Maddie, this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I too have some personal experience of this situation. I have to say that the title of this thread says a lot to me: "Coping with your partners previous family" My step children are not my husband's "previous" family, they are his current family, and I don't "cope" with them any more than I "cope" with my own children. When you marry someone who already has children, you marry the whole family. Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but it's just the reality. Presumably you don't want your partner to have things that are important to him, like his children, that you can't share, anyway. I do agree that more is expected of you when you are a stepmother, but I think that all your partner's children have a right to expect that you will treat them just as though they were your children - which means being pitchforked into a ready made family with all the responsibilities that entails, when other couples may be enjoying pre-baby fun times. The divorce wasn't the children's fault. It also means being realistic about money - your partner has to contribute towards the upbringing of all his children, which is bound to stretch the family finances more, but one doesn't have a moral right to complain about that either. It's normal that children of divorced parents may want their parents to marry again, but you just have to grit your teeth and not hold it against them! In the end, if you know that you've treated all your partner's children the same, then you haven't got anything to blame yourself for, and any angry outbursts from children/problems are not your fault.

No step-children - but have my very own wicked step-monster, sorry... mother. When pregnant she offered me a cup of tea, I said I would go to the kitchen and make it myself and she replied, "Yes, well you could do with the exercise" - the implication being that I was packing more pounds than I should. She absolutely delights in pointing out when I have put on weight, and now that I am managing to shift it her new one is to draw attention to the fact that I am getting grey hairs. The list goes on and on - when my sister went to stay recently she tucked in to an enormous plate of delicious king prawns and gave my sister tomato pasta (for the second day running). In the early days I tried to make excuses for her behaviour... that she felt threatened etc. etc. but she has been with my father for nearly fifteen years now so surely that can't still be the case? She is also thick as xxxx so maybe that has something to do with it? Have finally come to the conclusion that she is an evil step-witch and console myself with the fact that what goes around comes around. In contrast my step-father couldn't be a better surrogate dad if he tried.

Maddie - I interviewed a woman earlier this year who was in similar situation - it made for a really moving piece. I could email it through to you if you like - she talked about how incredibly difficult life was and sometimes is but how she only came to terms with it all when she finally accepted her situation rather than trying to fight her feelings about it