who are you and where do you fit in?

[hatsoff]

Have you sussed who you are and where you fit in society? Everywhere I look I seem to see people who are very confident about their identity. I?m not talking so much about individual identity, more about which identifiable group in society you belong to and from which you draw most of your friends. I?m talking about the highly educated US international civil servants I met at a wedding this weekend; the modern day hippies I saw at Kingston Green Fair who all do incredibly creative things and go to festivals; I?m talking about the latter-day hippies, in their 50s and 60s also at the fair who were running the campaigning stalls; musicians who share a passion for music; journalists who hang around in Islington and have highly intellectual dinner parties; bankers who serve champagne and oysters when their friends come over?am I the only person who hasn't a clue where she fits? Am I the only person who hasn't got a cosy group to be part of? I?ve got friends in every one of those ?categories? and sometimes dread the thought of them meeting. Maybe I'm strange. Or maybe I'm naive to think life is ever that simple. What about you lot?

one quick comment - one place where I am unashamedly me in totality, where I don't emphasize one bit of me and under-play another bit, where I just thinkg f$%k it they can take me as they find me, contradictions and all, I'm sure they can handle it is...yep, you've guessed. HERE.

I'm with you bossykate. maybe these groups are formed from our perceptions and as everyone is different even within those groups theres going to be people who feel they fit in and those that dont for a variety of reasons.
I've moved round so much over the years my accent doesn't even fit in.
At first it upset me but now i like to be a little different and feel a little trapped at the thouight of being labeled into one group.
Having friends, aquaintences(can't spell word) from all levels of society and who've experienced different things I think must help to keep you rounded and balanced rather than just viewing the world in one way. Maybe its not such a bad thing to not be completely fit into one group, although it is nice to have one or more people as your soft place to fall.
You all fit in at mumsnet despite background or current circumstances or the way you dress

really? here?

I stereotype people on here even more than I do in real life

("oh cod won't like that thread" "oh aloha will be along in a minute" "blimey, how can hmc have missed that one" - that kind of thing )

I do that too Enid.

well I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't quite fit anywhere. I also prefer the Bossykate's /foxd take on things - that these groups are not really as cohesive as they might seem, but sometimes I get a bit paraniod and wonder if they are and it's just me that's missing out. And thank you to handlemecarefully - I often do think it's good to have friends from different walks of life but, again, I sometimes wonder if I'm missing out on a more club/community like approach to friendship. Most of my real true friends I made when I was younger - school and university - and I think we share a different type of bond, obviously some degree of common interests drew us together but we've all gone very different ways. I'd move heaven and earth for them too and know they'd do the same for me. even the ones who vote tory .

I think you're right that most cohesive groups are not that cohesive - after all, people aren't really clones are they. However I used to work in advertising and IME there is a 'type' in that profession: you have to be frighteningly trendy, under 35 (or a director if you are over 35), disparage anyone who doesn't work in advertising, only socialise with other advertising or media types, have white sofas and wooden floors (or preferabaly live in a converted industrial something or the other), and say things like "you're only as good as your last campaign" and other similar tripe. Needless to say I didn't fit in! If you 'leave', everyone thinks you've died. How could you possibly want to do anything else?

I agree with whoever said that one of the great things about being a mum who doesn't work full time is that you get to meet a lot of other people who aren't tied to your particular profession. My 'mummy' friends include people who have worked or still do work as a chiropodist, biologist, children's book editor, loads of teachers, a journalist, beautician, air steward(ess?), sales rep... I probably wouldn't have met such a diverse bunch of people had I not had kids. The only thing I have in common with a lot of them is the fact that our kids are friends, but it's still a much healthier social mix than my previous existence.

As for where I do fit in - god knows. Depends how you define yourself - by your work, your social class, where you live, where you eat out?? I'd rather not try.

I don't think I fit into a 'group' either. I have travelled a lot and have moved many times and have learned to be myself and feel confident in myself. In my younger days I was a part of a strong group of girlfriends (we were at uni together) and that was when I was at my least confident. I find that I get lost in the background if I am part of a 'group'.
I have lots of friends now from all sorts of different backgrounds and there is definitely a common theme with all of them though ... I like to spend time with people who are interesting and who make me laugh. Also, I seem to end up being friends who like the odd drink, or 7

I know people who fit into such groups quite tightly: and find the fit a stranglehold in many ways. I personally was glad to get out of the 'tribal twenties' as I was someone who moved between groups and got frustrated by their inward looking-ness. Moving between groups of people is a skill/boon/social grace (never thought I'd type that phrase in my life!).

Anyway, I'm a 9 month pg Billy at the moment: and loving my lazy solitude so much. Never expected to, but it's great.

I actually thought everyone had an eclectic group of friends so they can be with different when the mood takes them?

then for outside people looking in, they look at that group at that moment and think that's what they do all the time .. I'd take a bet they don't

lol ghosty think you and I must be in the same group then cos I end up with friends who tend to like a drink or 7 too. Dunno how it happens at all at all.

I'm a non conformist I fit in only when I'm on my own....

Twiglett you'd be surprised how many people shy away from socialising with people who don't fit their perceived world view/income level/status/whatever. There are some 'executive developments' round here where you could almost be on the set of Stepford Wives!

gosh, wordsmith, where d'you live?

I cant get my head round this thread

Agree with Twiglett - that is deffo where I am coming from.

I have my boho Uni friends hanging out in Hoxton etc(and were there WELL before the bankers), who live cheek by jowl with my banker friends who have imo ruined the area and who can't get enough champagne and oysters down their necks, especially if I am around to egg them on.

Then there are my academic friends who are a mix of both other sets in terms of values, brains and income.

Me, I'm all conservative boho intellectual arty flighty flaky highly organised capricious creative. Just about sums up me and DH I think.

But hey, who cares, life is all about difference, and it makes me chuckle to think of all the crazy tricks my DS will get up to when he starts to hang out with all their kids ...

Well, i am a fairly young mummy, who stays at home looking after her 13 month old ds. His daddy is a "not so young" dad, and so we are not exactly a conventional couple, my school friends are great but i am the 1st married and with child. His contempories mostly all have children of 15 ish. So i am a misfit before even trying! What i mean is some of dh's work mates (the women, normally) look at me in awe (those whose clocks are well and truly ticking,and who are not yet married) or just cannot understand why a woman of my few years (am mid 20's) is not working but child rearing!
So their attitude, although perfectly friendly, leaves no room for any relaxed friendship. You can tell its just never gonna happen.
Still i think its just v. important to work on the good friendships you already have and if you make more then that is a real bonus.

none of my friends are like me and none of them are alike. if i took them out all together a fight would probably break out! i love the fact that they arent like me...im fascinated by people in general and think i subconciously (sp?) pick people who constantly make me think about different types of lifestyles. im a people watcher! i dont fit in anywhere really.

I have always felt the same way as you Hatsoff. I have come to think that its in part me looking at a group of people and putting them all in one basket, but in reality they are probably morelike me than I realise. Each have the same range of contacts as I do. I have always had a diverse range of friends but with a core 'posse' of girls who are now spread across the globe.

Having now typed this message, fed my six week old son and now returned to the computer, I think what I'm trying to say is that I wonder whether other people think about what and where they belong as much as I always have. I keep waiting to reach that point where I will feel 'grown up' (I'm 31 this month...), but the ironic thing is that my girlfriends think that I am, as I'm married with a baby while they are still searching and having a good time, as you do. Anyway, I am finding it hard to articulate exactly what I think so I am going away to have a think (how many 'thinks' can you have??). But I?ve found this thread really thought provoking.

One other thing I'll say though is that I was worried about being/feeling isolated with the baby, but everything is great, I'm really happy.

phucknuckle you sound great!

I don't fit in anywhere -

I'm the only working mum in my NCT group [hears collective intake of breath, and 'shocking']

I have a nanny, which automatically makes people put me into a group that I'm definitely not in

I have stepchildren, unlike the rest of my friends

I'm a bit posh (apparently) but my DP has tattoos (from the navy) and is definitely not

I'm doing a degree (in maths, god what a weirdo!) in my "spare" time, nobody else I know is.

I'm the only woman I've met doing this job

I worked really hard and lost 4 stone to get to a size 8 after my having my baby (yes, I did wait until I stopped b/f at 6 months), and people say I don't "look" like a mum (what, you have to keep your baby weight to qualify?)

I'm an expat (this month!)

I haven't a hope of fitting in anywhere, I'm too weird. I don't mind though. I actually always tried to be conventional, it just never works. Should I take DP up on his offer of marriage? It couldn't be a church tho, I'm an anglo-saxon Buddhist.

A bit like the mn cliques, I think these groups don't really exist. Unless you are a sociopath I think you will always feel out of place with certain people - equally you will have times in your life when you click with certain types of people.

Pinotgrigio,

I'll still talk to you even though you are a bit posh (lol)

Had to post - bloody well done in loosing all that weight to get down to size 8! Respect!

What's the secret?

Aw. Thanks. HMC.

I went to WW for 7 looooong months and tortured myself doing exercise three times a week. I followed their plan religiously. Didn't drink my beloved Pinot either.

God I miss doughnuts. .

I enjoy not 'fitting in' anywhere and meeting others who don't, either. And just others in general.

Fitting in - good G*d, why would you want to do that?

Some of the most unpleasant tw*ts of my acquaintance operate solely in one narrow social group and never broaden their horizons or brains beyond that.

I would seriously worry if I didn't have some friends who every time they meet stare at each other in mutual incomprehension....