Feeling stupid at work

[mouli]

Am trying to work from home part time and as I live at work (school) thought it would be great. Got up early today, DD in baby bjorn, off to meet a visiting teacher. Thought life was great.
Then realise with horror that the timetable is changed and have to quickly ring new teacher concerned and tell this woman is coming to watch her teach with about one hour's notice. Now I feel totally c**p. Am I being completely stupid in thinking I can do it all. Used to be Mrs Efficiency and rarely made a hash up of things. I realise I shouldn't be beating myself up about it...need to get a sense of perspective etc etc but I think since having my baby I have lost some of my old confidence, although in many ways having her has made me a stronger and much calmer person. Has this kind of thing happened to other mums, I love my job (in small doses!) but I love my daughter more and I need some reassurance that it will be OK in the end. I would rather not look like a total idiot with baby sick down my leg (as today) when everyone else was rushing around soooo fast looking very business like.
Help!

Mouli, Don't beat yourself up mate, you're just human. You are still as good at your job as you always were you just have other stuff going on in your life. That other 'stuff' happens to be more important than anything else in the world and if everything else suffers just a little bit because your daughter comes first then that's just the way it is. You sound like a great Mum and someone who wants to give 100%, which is great, but you can't be perfect all the time. Everything will be Ok and things will settle down and become much easier. I can be totally deep into what I'm doing at work but then at about 1.30ish a bell goes off in my head and I look at the clock and think 'ohhh wonder how Lottie got on with her lunch?' and ring my childminder every day at that time! Being a working mum is never easy for about a thousand different reasons and sometimes it feels impossible and that we're spreading ourselves too thin but it's always OK in the end. We all make mistakes and when you first go back to work after having your child it's totally normal to think that you can't do it any more, etc etc. Just remember that you are a great mum and that you're also just human.
Good luck you'll have it all sussed soon. xx

I second Thomcat's thoughts. It is very common for women returning to work to think and feel the way you do. Most tend to question whether they should be there, whether their loyalty to their job and company is the same as it was before they had their child and tend to feel like a fifth wheel. I'm giving you a brief understanding here so sorry if it doesn't cover everything.

It is very common to question yourself but after a period of time everything will slot into place. I have been back at work for a year and still feel the way you do. Guilty for being at work, guilty for only seeing ds in the evenings and weekends etc. I still question my ability in my job and feel very much like I am inadequate in comparison to others I work with doing a similar role. I don't know why we do this or when it stops but when I look back over the last 12 months I do realise I have come to accept that some days the grey spot on my shoulder will have to stay there with no more rubbing of water in the toilets (generally food or sick) to get rid of it. It's the little things I tend to stress over less now and I'm hoping that as time goes by the bigger things like, am I doing enough both at work and at home will settle down and I will come to understand what I can and can't do.

Just know that you are not the only one feeling the way you do and even those that haven't been off due to maternity leave question their ability, committment and efficiency.

I echo Thomcat & meanmum - give yourself a break. If you'd have cocked something up in pre-DD days, you'd have just shrugged it off.

Am I right in thinking that you're actually taking DD along whilst you work? I must admit I'd have found this a real challenge, in 'baby days', as I couldn't take my eyes off him for more than about 30 seconds!

When I first went back to work two years ago, when DS was 4 months, I found it really tough leaving him at nursery. And I should add that it hasn't gotten any easier. I do think that my commitment to my work has HAD to change, since I can't work until 7 every night any more, and am out of the door at 5pm like a rat up a drainpipe, trying to beat the traffic and get to nursery before closing time. Over time, I've come to accept that I just can't do it all, and am trying to reshape my life at the mo by retraining.

Anyway, enough about me me me! What I really wanted to say was: forget about Mrs Efficiency, try to settle for Mrs Muddled-through-and-got-there-in-the-end, and you'll probably end up not beating yourself up quite so badly. HTH

Oh - and I forgot to add: don't worry - it'll be alright in the end!!

Aw, Mouli, boundless sympathy. I find that just when you think you are beginning to get it sussed some little thing comes along to remind you that you aren't Shirley Conran. I had been back at work p/t for a few weeks, b/f had continued to work out, ds seemed to be doing fine at childminder's etc - then I walked right across the City with ds in a Baby Bjorn and my skirt tucked into my knickers. Someone finally alerted me at Cannon St and I was in pieces over something that was really quite comical. I just felt it spelt the end of my ability to function as a sensible adult.
It does go with the territory and I have found that having other colleagues with small children helped me realise it wasn't just me. I agree with all the others here - it does get better, I promise.

Oh Mouli, you sound so like me when I returned to work after DD was born. I remember sitting in a high level meeting dying of embarrassment because the smell of sick from my trouser leg was getting worse as the room warmed up!

Your new sense of confidence (in some things) and your calmness mean you are not the person you were - you're much stronger, just in a slightly different way. Don't try to be superwoman - just be your new self and enjoy it. Learn to enjoy being this new person and others will too.