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Original poster

wedding problem

18 replies

doormat · 09/05/2003 09:52

I am getting married in June. The problem is my sister and I fell out 12 months ago. I never want to speak to her again.I can never forgive her for what she did as it was pretty bad. Even though we are not talking she and her family were invited just to keep the peace.

I have told my parents 12 months ago the score and that I want nothing to do with her and vice versa including that I dont want my children near her. They were not happy about the situation but accepted it until now. This is where it really begins.

The other day parents organised taking a few grandkids out I was happy at this and knew her kids would be going aswell.I did not mind. My SIL was picking my kids up to take them to meet them when I found out they were all meeting up at sisters home. I hit the roof and told parents my kids would not be going as they knew the score and could of met up in a neutral zone. They informed me that through this it would RUIN my wedding.Alas I hit the roof again. I waited a few days to calm down.

Dad phoned in a right mood to tell me I had upset my sister (she already knew the score 12 months ago) and because she was upset my wedding was ruined. they will not go to any party in the evening as it is in a dive.(The pub we are having the party had a bad reputation a few years ago)I feel this is an excuse. They were happy with it weeks ago and now at the last minute they are not. They also said they will go to the ceremony but nothing else because my sister was upset.They told me to change venue.I am not happy at this as they are not paying for anything so why should they dictate to me at the last minute. I told them dont bother going to none. They said fine if thats the way you feel.

I feel awful but what can I do. I really want them to be there for all not part of the day. I refuse to budge on this issue. Help me please. Need advice.

P.S There is no problem with dp and them. They think the world of him.

OP posts:

Ghosty · 09/05/2003 09:57

Doormat ... can I be awful and ask what she did that was so bad? I only ask because it always makes me sad when I hear of families split like this and my nature is to say, "Why can't you all be friends??" But if what she did was really really bad then that is different ... IYKWIM??

whymummy · 09/05/2003 10:09

doormat do you really mean that you never want to speak to her again??if its that bad i would cancel the whole thing and get married abroad,because if you go ahead its going to be a disaster

breeze · 09/05/2003 10:20

Doormat, That is really awful. I had a similar problem at my wedding, My mum and aunty fell out and had not spoken in years. I got stressed until it was pointed out that the most important thing about the day was that it was all about me and DH, I had a quiet word with all of them told them to behave and if they don't then they can leave. It does cause problems now for parties and stuff. (not sure if this is actually helping or me having a rant).

Anyway hope that it does get sorted. Is it really over with your sister, sometimes people need a cooling down period.

Whatever happens I hope that you totally enjoy your wedding day who over is there.

Original poster

doormat · 09/05/2003 10:27

ghosty and whymummy I really never want to speak to her again.

Reason being we had a row last year and she tried her best to ruin my relationship with all my family with her s* stirring. She has always done this when she gets in one of her moods. It was the last time for me and I told her so. She told me to make up and I said no that I had enough.She then blackmailed me that if I did not make up she would tell wife of family member that was found in a situation with another woman. (Nothing sexual)I did not want this to come out so agreed fortunately my brother was here when blackmailed and he went and told persons involved.He does not speak to her neither.

OP posts:

Original poster

doormat · 09/05/2003 10:29

sorry breeze you include posts crossed.

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whellid · 09/05/2003 10:36

Doormat, sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in. Remember it is your day (well, you and dp of course) and you should have who you want there, not who you should have there. If that means that your parents will only go to the ceremony, then you have to balance up how important them being at the evening is, against having your sister there. From what you say I think you will be happier with your parents just attending the ceremony, as then you won't be allowing your sister to ruin the day. You may find that nearer the time your parents come round anyway, and that they are just trying to force the issue to have everyone talking again.
And as for them telling you to change venues, seems like a cheek to me if they are not paying,and at such a late stage. Stick to your plans, and let them decide what they want to do.

Ghosty · 09/05/2003 10:54

Dear doormat ... your sister does sound like a trouble maker and I see your point now.
The thing is is that your parents now seem to be taking sides? This is perhaps the hardest thing for you at the moment ... tell me if I am barking up the wrong tree ...
Your parents shouldn't be doing this ... especially if the problem is between YOU and your sister...
Also ... surely if it is your wedding it is THEY who are spoiling it???
I think you should stick to your guns and go ahead with your plans ... tell them you would really love for them to come and take part but if they don't it would be their loss ...
That is pretty much what we said to FIL and his lovely (not) wife and MIL who were doing the 'I'm not coming if she's coming' thing when we got married ...
Like someone said ... what is important is YOUR commitment to DP ... that's what a wedding is all about ... you shouldn't get married to please other people ...

pupuce · 09/05/2003 10:56

What does DP think about this.... could HE not speak to your parents... if they like him so much?

Original poster

doormat · 09/05/2003 11:18

Thanx girls for the advice. I feel like s*. She was invited to all of it. She and parents knew the score 12 months ago so I dont see what the problem is and why she should be upset. She always does this when important events are nearing.She drags the past up whereas I just want to get on with my life.Parents always stick up for her as they nearly lost her as a baby.I cant take no more of it. She can do wrong in their eyes.

Dp wanted to cancel the whole thing or change venue to please them and keep the peace. I feel that they can not do this as they have not put their hand in their pocket (haven't offered neither) and that I will not be dictated to like this. Dp now agrees with me.He is very angry and annoyed but will not say anything as does not want a confrontation. He thinks if he says anything it will blow out of all proportion and make matters worse.

OP posts:

SamboM · 09/05/2003 11:25

Doormat, it's YOUR wedding, YOU do what YOU want. I know that sounds selfish but you (hopefully) only do it once and you've got to be selfish. I threw a wobbler cos my mum was going to invite my Aunt who I hate to my wedding, I said I would cancel it if she did! I didn't want to see her on such a happy day.

If your parents choose not to come in the evening, let them cut off their noses. Tell them that it's your day, you would like them there but if they choose not to come it's not going to spoil your enjoyment of your wedding day. And stick by it - all your friends will be there, your parents will be there for the actual wedding and quite honestly you'll be so busy having fun you won't even notice they aren't there in the evening.

I do feel for you as weddings are tricky where family disputes are involved. I'm sure everyone has a similar thing in some way, so just stick to your guns girl and enjoy your day

JanZ · 09/05/2003 12:11

I would re-iterate all the advice you have had. As SamboM says, it's YOUR day! And as it's your day, you get to make the choices!

If your parents choose not to come, then that's a shame - and petty of them - but YOU must not let it spoil YOUR day!

You'll have your real friends around you (as dh says - you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family!) - and most importantly, you will have your dp - now dh - by your side.

Enjoy the day that you have both planned - and one wee bit of extra advice: make sure to take time during the day to savour the moment. Often you're too busy "doing" things and worrying about who is doing what, or what's happening next, to slow down and just enjoy the day FOR YOURSELF. Make sure that you and dh get a few moments together to appreciate each other during the day ie BEFORE the wedding night! (!)

SamboM · 09/05/2003 12:13

I agree with JanZ, on our wedding day we nicked a bottle of champagne and 2 glasses and snuck off and sat on a bench for half an hour on our own, it was soooo romantic!

Original poster

doormat · 09/05/2003 18:50

Thanx to all of you. I just don't know where I have gone wrong with my parents. Maybe sis is in their earhole!!!!!!!

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eidsvold · 09/05/2003 18:54

Doormat - i just want to say I agree with everyone else... the loss is theirs if they do not want to be there.

The day is YOURS ( you and dp) you want to look back and say it was a great day - not worrying about everyone else ... much easier said than done. As someone else said they are the one's losing out.

Enjoy the party - but remember to make sure you take some time out for you and dp on the day.... Sambo's idea was brilliant....

monkey · 09/05/2003 21:08

Doormat - I really feel for you. I have a similar problem with my sister, and we haven't spoken now since 1998. Luckily the final blow-up happened after my wedding, so I wasn't in the predicament you are.

I feel very sad for you that your parents seem to be taking your sister's side. Even if they don't agree with your dispute, or your stand on the venue of the children meeting, what do they hope to achieve by forcing you into a corner on an issue as sensitive as your wedding? If any coercion was going on, it should be them using the wedding to push your sister towards reconcilliation.

Tempers might still be high, and things might not have been thought through properly, but I would seriously consider the fact that they are taking her side at a time like this and try and have a calm conversation to find out why, and explain how hurtful it is for you. I think it would be fair enough also to point out that as they are not contributing financially, they have no say over the venue.

I guess the worrying thing is this spiralling out of control and it causing a major rift with your parents as well as your sister.While it would be tempting in the heat of the moment, I guess it's really important to try not to let that happen. I wish you all the best in this horribly difficult situation. Let us know how you get on.

Original poster

doormat · 10/05/2003 09:25

Thankyou to all you girls. We sent out all the invites yesterday and I posted them to my family. I know they are taking sides and I think that is what hurts so much but they always have. My other sister who is neutral tried to sort it all out yesterday but dad flipped on her aswell for not going along with his decision.

I have left the ball in their corner and it is entirely up to them.

All of you have been very supportive of my problem and dp and I have really calmed down through all the advice you have all given. It is up to them.

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outofpractice · 16/05/2003 14:44

doormat, I could not face reading this thread earlier, as I can imagine it happening to us - just read it now. Hope you are able to keep your chin up until June, because it won't be over until after the whole party. My sister did not invite me to her wedding (held it abroad only for parents and work friends) but Mum made her have a reception near my parents' house a few months later. My sister dictated the whole thing, telling me and inspecting what I was allowed to wear (but not making me a bridesmaid or offering to pay for anything) and asking me to take my jewellery off for the photos. I wasn't allowed to stay away either, in case people noticed. How come these things upset us even though they have been going on for years? Hope you have a lovely wedding day with all your friends, whatever your family does.

willow2 · 16/05/2003 21:30

Totally agree with advice posted already. It is your day and people should either fit in with your wishes - regardless of any arguements that have happened - or bog off. Tell your parents you would like them there for the entire day - but if they don't want to you aren't going to waste any time worrying about it. Frankly, I think you'll have a better time if they don't come to the party, as you risk spending the time worrying about whether they're alright. I think if you make it clear that you really don't care if they are there all day or not they'll decide to come - there's nothing worse than making some grand gesture only for it not to have any effect!

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