Help - Need info on dealings with CAFCASS.

[Melso]

Hi,

Without wanting to go in to too much detail, i recently split with my partner. He was verbally and physically abusive.He was always drunk and came home at stupid times of the morning. I have two children one of which is his. She is 3 years old. He couldnt care less about the teenager ( who is not his )but is fighting for custody of our 3 year old.

When i walked out i took the children with me. That was on a sunday. By Monday i had a solicitor, by Tuesday i was in court and had a non molestation order and a prohibited steps order, these were served him that evening. Thursday we were both in court. He gets to see our 3 year old tue and thurs mornings 9-12 and sat 9-5 but one of my parents are to be present.

My question is, will they give him over night access to my 3 year old if he is living in a 3 bed house with his mum, brother, a big dog and himself? He doesnt have the accommodation to sleep her does he?

Any help, advice or comments would be great.

xxx

Melso I feel for you I really do, and so many people have been through this.
Its a long soul destroying procedure and you will not come out with what you want at the end (e.g. no contact for him).
Im not being nasty, Im just saying how it is. The courts promote contact regardless of previous behaviour, you can basically beat your wife into a coma, then come back 5 years later saying you want to change and have a relationship with your child and youre sorry etc etc, and as long as they play that game long enough 9/10 they get contact.

I love my children so much i just want to protect them. I know that my daughter will want to see her dad. She asks for him and i always talk to her gently about it and let her know that he will see her soon. I had the supervised visits for her in my home so that she wasnt distressed with going to a strange place. It just seems no matter what i do i cant protect either of them from him.
If he does do something to hurt them then it will already be too late to do anything about it as the damage will be done.

Melso, mosschops is right. there are some of us out there with just as much reason to want to protect our dc from an ex who have been through the process, posting in lone paretns may get you some more advice - now and in the future.

The fact is that the things he did to you he did to you not your dd and so they are not really relevant to a child contact case - except in very extreme cases. In your case it sounds as though it may have some bearing but the fact is that a person who beats his wife will not automatically beat his daughter and that is how the court will see it. Once court has been through and a contact order is set up they are likely to expect supervision to be tailed off as supervision is only ever seen as a temporary thing.

I am in the same situation of having to wait until he has done something before I can get contact stopped and, like you say, it is too late then. The hope I cling to is that I will notice something small enough to stop contact before anything major or lasting is done.

Thank you for all your messages. I know that i am not alone and that there are lot's of people and children going through the same thing. I just hope and pray you are all safe and that your children will also remain to be safe. Thanks again. xx

Sadly the figures suggest that men who abuse their partners often abuse their children too (in about 70% of cases).Domestic violence is one of the biggest indicators of child abuse and nowhere near enough money is put into tackling this. Fathers who abuse their partners are usually authoritarian parents and are apt to move the goal posts regarding behaviour. Courts do not take nearly enough account of this when agreeing contact - nor the risk to the mother (or her family) at contact time.

Sorry, that was supposed to sound supportive rather than smug, I hope I did not offend you?

Jollypirate, possibly but the stats are different where the relationship ends and the parent only sees the child. I do agree that the courts are a bit to blase about risk to dc though (in the broader sense not just DV).

Yes, my ex was very controlling. Our daughter is three years old and he would only let her eat baby jar food. He would only allow her to have milk out of a baby bottle. That is abusive in itself and not right. Since he has gone i have made sure her diet is as it should be and the change is amazing. She has more energy and generally alot happier. She doesnt cry for food all the time.