Need to talk to someone, and everyone is out...

[deegward]

I am doing a 60k walk in September in memory of a school friend of mine who died when she was 29 of breast cancer. I ahve raised the required £1500 to take part in the walk. Now for the hard part.

This friend of mine was my best friend in fifth and sixth year of school, and at the end of sixth year her boyfriend dumped her to go out with me. .

We stayed together (nay, even lived together for) for 12 years so it asn't just a fling, but because of this I obviously didn't keep in touch with other class mates.

My friend got back in touch with me when she was diagnosed with breast cancer at 25, and I stayed friends with her until she died.

I have just spoken to her mother (not seen her since the funeral) to tell her about my walk, and that I'm doing it in memory of Elaine. I feel sick, I feel all the old guilt welling up, and feel that I should be walking 1000k never mind 60k to pay my penance. her mum was very nice on the phone, and has given me details of the Trust Fund they set up in memory. I have committed to giving any money I raise above the required £1500 to her trust.

Don't know what I want anyone to say, except dh is in Cork tonight, and I can't find anyone else to talk to...

you are doing a great thing for your friend. thats all i can say. in sixth form you're young, and your friend put all that stuff behind her when she contacted you again.

deegward - are you on MSN?

No not on msn, I know Elaine forgave me, but I feel such a sh*t

What a lovely thing you are doing-why not ask us lot to donate in some way,eh? Don't feel bad-she forgave you and will be happy with what you are doing.

Misdee-whats happening with your dp?? Have been thinking of you although was away at the weekend.

whens the walk? cant sponser much but would like to.

I feel so bad that I didn't even know there was a trust set up for her. I have already contacted the school, and am now committed to getting a prize for current pupils in her name.

Tbh I think you are confusing the two things. As Misdee said, you were young, this would have been forgotten as teenage stuff anyway, but the fact that you went on to have a 12 year relationship really means that it was all more serious than that.

I'm so sorry your friend died but by getting back in touch with you she showed you that she had forgiven you. Now you just have to forgive yourself.

deegward - my dh used to go out with my friend until she was murdered in 1985 - I used to feel guilty whenever I visited her parents which I did for about 6 years after her death. In fact we kept our relationship secret from a lot of people for probably a good couple of years. Please dont feel guilty about it and I think you're doing a fab thing

Lots of mners have donated to site when I first started fundraising. To donate to walk site www.breakthroughweekend.org then put in my name Dee Ward.

The walk is in September 23-24 in London.

Thank you all for your messages

She forgave you, honey - you must forgive yourself. It was a long time ago and you were just kids. People do these things - they weren't married, they were young, it happens. The fact that the two of you stayed together for 12 years shows that it was a far more significant and serious relationship than the one your friend had with him. The fact that she got back in touch when she was diagnosed with breast cancer speaks volumes - she realised there were far more important things in life: and I'm sure she'd moved on long before that.

I bet if you got in touch with your old classmates you would find the same thing.

Best of luck with the walk - you're doing a good thing and you're a good person. Your friend knew that.

Dh jsut been on phone (he so doesn't do crying women) and said sort of waht everyone here has said, "oh well, at least you have closure" which I suppose is the real reason for me doing this walk.