Help! My neighbour's husband just knocked on the door to ask me if I think his wife's an alcoholic - what do I do?

[edam]

Just answered a knock at the door to be confronted by neighbour asking me when the bins are collected. Then he told me he's worried his wife - my friend - is an alcoholic because there were so many bottles of wine in the recycling.

I don't know what to think. He'd put five empty bottles in a rucksack to show me. Recycling was collected yesterday.

Neighbour's wife is lovely, a neonatal nurse and I have NEVER seen her the worse for wear. I see her every morning and afternoon at school, and often days after school as the children play together.

We go out occasionally and she only has a few glasses of wine (less than me, usually).

But her poor husband is asking for my help (spectacularly bad timing as I'm frantically trying to meet a deadline and both the landline and my mobile were ringing - I had to say sorry, I've got to go). WTF do I do?

Really hope he's got his wires crossed and these are five bottles from the past fortnight that just weren't collected on Monday for some reason...

(Apologies if I don't come back to the thread for a little while, needed to get it down but I do have to go off and concentrate on my work to meet a VERY pressing deadline.)

Do I tell her her husband's worried? Surely not, would cause a huge row. What do I say to him?

I think he's put you in a very difficult situation, but there must surely be some history behind his concerns.
Did he say where he found the bottles, were they hidden? Did he talk about her behaviour?

there can be other explanations I know of someone who would take his empty bottles and distributed them about the neighbourhood bins to keep his 'respectability'

does he have other reasons to be suspicious?

5 bottles in 24 hours - her liver would be in a jar and she'd be laid out down the morgue. I think he'd notice.

You know when you live with an alkie. You can miss it at first, then you pretend it's not happening and then a load of bottles roll out from the back of the airing cupboard and you just know.

I'd keep my mouth shut and say nothing to your friend.

You will know if and when you need to address it with her if it does turn out she's got a problem.

Don't say anything to her. Find him and tell him exactly what you've told us: that you've never seen her the worst for wear, that she drinks less than you on nights out, that it has never crossed your mind that she might be an alcoholic.

She might be, of course, but how on earth would you know better than her husband?

There could be perfectly reasonable explanation for the 5 wine bottles.

Odd behaviour from him imo.

That level of alcohol intake would defintiely show physically emotionally mentally something would be a giveaway I would think.

thanks everyone - I agree it's odd behaviour from him but he's clearly very worried, almost in tears, and I don't think he has many friends of his own to talk to. (Perfectly nice man but not very gregarious and has no family in this country bar wife and child so possibly a bit isolated.)

I did tell him all those things - that I'd be shocked, that I've never seen her the worse for wear, etc. etc. etc. But he wasn't convinced.

And yes, five bottles in 24 hours would be madness and it would have been obvious to EVERYONE - I saw her on the school run yesterday and today, texted her yesterday afternoon and all was fine, no way she can have been rolling drunk, as far as I know.

I think he's just confused and those five bottles are from the past fortnight and somehow weren't collected (maybe because he's obviously not sure how often the recycling is collected).

Feel v. bad I had to rush off but was really up against it with work and both phones ringing!

Just be careful he may have motives you have no idea of am in cynical mood at the moment sorry.

Right, so I'll try to catch him again and tell him his fears are groundless?

I'd be careful if I were you, that words aren't put into your mouth.

"well Edam is also worried about you, Edam thinks you might be an alcoholic".

I'd be honest with your friend and tell her that her husband is worried about her drinking. See where it goes from there. As you feel you drink more than she does when you're out hopefully she won't feel that you're about to judge her. Hope she's truthful with you .... IF there's anything to worry about that is.

Maybe she was going to put wine bottles decoratively in the shed window and then changed her mind! There could be an explanation for 5 bottles in the bin the day after recycling.

Not a word, Edam. Not a bloody word. I'm telling you - one word out of place and this will blow up in your face. Keep your gob shut and your head down and just watch.

If he asks you, say you have never seen any sign of her having a drink problem, smile and shut the door on him. Because you have never seen any signs of her having a drink problem, and that's all you need to say. If she does have one that she has been able to keep hidden from you, it's not much of one and it certainly isn't any of your business as things stand. Otherwise, stay out of it. It's not impossible that he is one of these controlling loons who wants to spread rumours about his wife in order to gain power over her/ dump her for his GF and take the DC or something.

OK, thanks everyone, v. glad you all think I should stay well out of it. eek.

My partner would hide bottles and keep them back so that there was less recycling if you see what i mean so five bottles left over wouldnt necessarily mean she has drunk them in 24 hrs. Iwould find them in bizarre places.
Most alchoholics dont seem obviously pissed most of the time. My partner is an alchoholic and mostly you wouldnt know he had been drinking.

I do think it odd that he had bothered to come round with bottles to show you. I have only spoken to 2 people about partner in rl outside of family and i never felt the need to provide physical evidence. Im not articulating this well but it all sounds very off key to me.

If he turns up again i would do as solid has advised. Smile sweetly but be quite vague. If he persists direct him to al-anon. If you did mention this to his wife it would stir up a mahousive heap if trouble.

If she does have an alchohol issue then she will either deny it or become defensive. Alcholism thrives on privacy and self pity.
If she doesnt then she will be mortified and probably fairly disturbed that her husband is behaving like this.

Sorry. Will go back to eating brownies now.

Actually the more I think about this the more relieved I am that my landline and mobile were ringing so I had to say 'sorry, got to go'.

Haven't seen my friend since all this kicked off as I've been working full time for a couple of days. Will be a bit tricky tomorrow morning when I do bump into her.

Thing is, she is lovely and has been so kind to me and ds. And I know she's been lovely to lots of other people too through her job - she works locally in a caring profession so many of our friends and neighbours and fellow parents have had to do with her professionally, at what is always a very tough time in someone's life. Seems so unfair that her husband is, I dunno, being so suspicious or completely barking or something.

(OK, people in caring roles are more prone to alcoholism than Mr or Mrs office job but the more I think about it the more outlandish her husband's story sounds.)

(oops just realised I was less discreet in my OP than I'd remembered.)

If I had 5 bottles ready to go the day after the recycling, it'd mean I'd finally been arsed to look behind the sofa.

Honestly, I'd just keep saying 'Not that I've seen any evidence of...talk to her if you're worried...'

odd behaviour isnt it?

how is their marriage, as far as you know?

is he just stirring things do you think?

I agree. Keep the head down. No eye contact. Never mention it to your friend. If she knows he's said something to you, just roll your eyes and say something vague like "Men, eh..?" and change the subject rapidly.

Bringing the bottles to you was very odd. Saved by the bell eh?!

Yup, am jolly glad the phone rang!

No idea re. their marriage, had no reason to think anything was wrong but we aren't close enough for her to tell me anyway. Just neighbours with kids at the same school - we go out for a drink sometimes with the other mothers in our road but she doesn't ever say very much about her husband, now I come to think of it, even when the rest of us are moaning about ours.

I think possibly her husband doesn't drink - has refused invitations to go out with the other dads. I kind of assumed it was something to do with coming from Iran and alcohol not being something he's particularly keen on, although neither of them are observant Muslims

I mean, my friend drinks, neither of them goes near a Mosque, ever, they wear Western clothes. Seem to recall the husband telling me they left to escape the Mullahs and all the restrictions, especially on women. Oddly enough!